How to take the "how to" out of the bedroom?
My husband and I have started a very fun journey of reconnecting and improving our bedroom skill set. The results are great (thanks Dr. Kerner for the fantastic books) but last night, I caught my husband referring to a guide during a heated massage. I know he wants to get technique down, which I appreciate, but it sort of kills the moment. Will confidence and creativity come? Should I encourage him to put down the book or allow him that crutch until his confidence has built?
Thanks!!!!!
I know this can be frustrating. It seems like you two are re-discovering each other and eroticism together, which is amazing. I might give it a little time, let him feel his way through. If it were to continue for a longer time, you could say something to him. Sometimes all it takes is the receptive partner saying, "That feels good, keep doing that!" or "I really love it when you do [xyz]". That way your partner may not feel the need, in the moment, to rely on a guidebook written by a third party, but instead to rely on your feedback. Being verbal can't hurt!
I agree with Anna -- give it a little more time and let him use the book as a crutch, and then, when you feel he's ready, tell him something like, "honey, you're way past the book -- you don't need it anymore!"
Great advice! Thanks to you both. This site was a fantastic idea, helpful already.
My bigger issue is feeling self-conscious about correcting my lover. There are times I love him being aggressive, but when I'm trying to build to orgasm I need a lighter touch. I've done everything but draw a map, but usually he's just too hard with his body, which traps my hand/fingers from moving freely on my clitoris or too hard with his face while going down on me and I can't move. How do you effectively correct a lover during the act without killing their ego?
One tactic for doing this is to talk about it outside of the sexual setting. Sometimes, when you are in the moment and you want to communicate with your partner something you'd like them to change, it can be difficult, as you have alluded to. Also, make sure that you start the conversation off with "I really love it when you do ____" and then follow up with "It is so much easier to have an orgasm when you're light to the touch on me, allowing my clitoris to enjoy the sensations more".
I completely agree with Kristen here. It might also be helpful, during this outside-the-bedroom-conversation, to come up with some kind of signal you can use during sex so that you communicate the message without totally taking away from the moment. That signal might be a word such as "slower" or "gentle", whispered in his ear, or it might be a pat on his back or behind.
Remember, too, that even if it seems like the moment is "lost", it doesn't have to be. Women's arousal takes time to physically decrease so, if you start to feel like something ruined the moment, remind yourself that you're still in the game. Try to change your mindset, focus on the present moment, how he smells, how you feel, and try to get your excitement back.