My husband gets bored during foreplay
I read your article about this subject and where it says that 20 minutes or so of foreplay makes more women come to orgasm. The problem is that my husband seems to get bored after just a few minutes of foreplay....it seems like all he cares about is his own pleasure....I know he loves me, we have been married for 10 years, but he never seems to pay attention to my needs in bed....HELP!!!
How do you know that he is bored? Just because he stops or moves, does not mean its because he is bored. He might be thinking its not working for you or that it is working just fine for you so he's on to the next thing. This is why its so helpful to have a conversation outside the bedroom of what you really want. If he clearly loves you, then he will care if you tell him you would really love more foreply. Be enthusiastic and specific, such as "I would really love it if you could give me oral sex for 5 or even 10 minutes because it feels fantastic and i think I could feel more aroused before intercourse." He needs to hear from you that you want more foreplay and what kind of foreplay. He can only pay attention to your needs if you have been completely clear what those needs are. Most men are quite happy to please, once they have been informed how to please.
Susie, I'd swear we're married to the same guy. I've been married twice, with a great sexual bond the first time around.
I think after 6 years of being with my second husband I've learned that he has a "disconnect" when it comes to sex issues and understanding psychology in general. I'm a pretty good teacher, and he's read several books, but he's still clueless about female sexuality.
If I were you, I'd get your man to go with you to a FEMALE sex therapist. I'm going to bet that she'll want a few sessions alone with him to see if she can explain things in a way that he can understand.
What about pleasuring yourself for a while, and then involving him in the foreplay?
Anna,
Ah, you hit my weak spot! I'm a lousy exhibitionist. My first husband insisted that I masturbate for him. I did my best but never enjoyed it.
I have a very introverted personality and the idea of ANY kind of performance gives me cold feet. I've considered getting somewhat drunk and then trying, but alcohol is forbidden due to a medication I take.
You don't necessarily have to do it in front of him. You can get all warmed up by yourself and then call him in for some action.
Ariel, do you feel like the two of you are compatible in other ways, enough to overcome this? Do you enjoy sex with him even though you don't have an orgasm?
Ariel and Suzieq - I'd love to hear your husbands side of the story. Women expect men to read their minds. Believe me, a man wants nothing more than to please his woman. Talk to him! And SuzieQ, I would bet you a million dollars that were you man with a different woman tomorrow, he would suddenly be an expert on "female sexuality". I've been married for 15 years, and I know that you have to keep it exciting. It can get boring for both parties. Spice it up.
David,
Talk to him? Spice it up?
We've discussed sex (various topics) a million times. He's received anatomical tours. He's been told my likes and dislikes (few). I have a collection of erotic films and I occasionally write erotica (which does not interest him).
He's read "She Comes First" as well as excerpts from "The Guide to Getting It On." We have sex on a regular basis, and he seems happy with our sex life.
Although he loves receiving oral sex, he's grossed out by the idea of giving it. He's impatient in bed and quick to anger. He dislikes physical labor that doesn't directly pleasure him. "A man wants nothing more than to pleasure his woman" simply does not apply here.
By now he sounds like a jerk, but he's educated, kind, thoughtful, an excellent husband in many ways. He simply can't understand how different the female sexual response is.
Do YOU want to try talking to him? I'm thankful that I'm menopausal and low energy, which makes the issue of sex less pressing.
David, I think you have a point. We assume (especially after years of being together) that our partners automatically know what we want, need, etc. It's always helpful to remind ourselves that our relationships evolve and we do, too. And I understand that it's a tricky conversation to have - you don't want to start or fight or place blame. Perhaps saying, "I love you and I would really love for us to...." Using words like "we" or "us" will remove the blame component and let him know that you are in this together!