What do you think of the concept of chore-play?
One recent study from the University of Western Ontario found that wives are happier when their husbands pitch in with housework. Another report from researchers at the University of Illinois at Chicago suggests that men who help clean, take care of their kids, and do other domestic chores may see the benefits of their labor pay off in the bedroom. Does this make sense to you? In addition to "chore-play," are there other ways in which we should be expanding our definition of foreplay?
On a sort of related note, I've noticed that when I take the time to really play with my kids, my wife finds me sexier, and hence chances of sex improve. Not that playing with my kids is a chore, but it's interesting how all the stuff outside the bedroom can make or break what happens inside.
I hear this from my clients on a regular basis. Women state that--for them--sexual connection begins long before getting into the bedroom. Women need connection first.
I've found this to be true in my life and relationships. When I have a partner who does the dishes, makes an effort to keep things clean, etc., I find that I appreciate him much more and therefore can't help but to be more attracted to him. I once dated a man who seemed to have the best time just tearing apart my house--throwing blankets all over the place, leaving condom wrappers around, etc., and it drove me crazy and made me not want to see him for fear of the havoc he would wreak each time he came over!
I wonder what sort of impact the five "love languages" have on the sex life of different folks*--for example, if someone's love language is words of affirmation and they get more of them from their partner, that could certainly be a sort of foreplay!
(*The five love languages are usually defined as: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, receiving gifts, and physical touch)
I completely agree with all of our experts on this one...there really is something to "chore-play". I do think it is important though for men not to do a chore expecting it to lead to sex, because that really defeats the purpose. One of the reasons many women get turned on by these out-of-bedroom acts is because they demonstrate caring in a different way. If it becomes clear that the act is being done as a means to get sex, it can become a turn OFF.
So, do these things as a way to help out, not as a way to get sex....and sex just might end up being a bonus!
I'd say that someone's partner helping to do chores around the house isn't so much a turn-on as it is a way of avoiding potential turn-offs.
Somebody who feels that their partner isn't pulling their weight around the house may feel resentful and taken for granted, which is definitely not going to lead to the desire for intimacy.
Even if there's not that sort of feeling of resentment, the person who does most of the housework may also be doing more physical work than the other partner, thus becoming too tired to want to have sex. They may also find that thinking about the housework is worrisome and distracting and get pulled out of moments of intimacy thinking, "Did I put the laundry into the dryer?" In those cases, having some of the chores done for them may ease those problems enough to give them the leisure to think about having sex.
Some people just can't feel the positive feeling of arousal if other negative feelings are "blocking" it.
When we first started talking about the sex/chore connection, my husband was offended, from his perspective it felt a little as if I was withholding sex unless he was a good boy and did his chores. From my perspective, however, it wasn't that he needed to do the chores to 'get' sex, it was that if I'm sitting there on the couch, drinking a glass of wine and the kids are asleep and he starts flirting with me and I'm thinking, "okay...sex...yeah, sounds alright" (oh the passion of a tired mom!) and then he takes my hand and we walk through the kitchen toward our bedroom and then, wait, did you see that kitchen?! Errrt! Mental brake screech. I can't wake up to this mess, why aren't the dishes done, and what the heck is that smell, anyway...? The point is, my head would suddenly filled with dishes and duties and bad smells, instead of sex. So chore-play for me isn't exactly hot, it's just that it helps allow a potentially hot situation stay hot, instead of...not.
Absolutely, Ian! Although I think it's very important not to get into a "bartering" system or even to see it as a man "helping his wife" with chores in the way that his caring for kids shouldn't be seen as "babysitting" for the kids. Household chores and parenting are shared responsibilities that researchers have generally found that women spend more time involved in. That's not to say that men don't partner with this things - but it is to say that when couples have a more equal partnership, they do tend to have a more satisfying sex lives. Is it just the chores? Or a general feeling of being a team, being parters, and feeling respected, though?
Something to consider...
I wish this were true in my case. I've always been what most would consider a "domesticated male". Chores and helping nurture my children are as deeply ingrained in me as any other personality trait. Unfortunately my experience has been that the end result has been nothing more than a spoiled partner. If "choreplay" were true, I would still be married and would never have sought sexual fulfillment outside my marriage.
Have we all seen this?
Lots of folks I know saw it and were like, "Yeah! Right on! Women want sex just like a man!"
Well, sure, but.
Women's sexuality IS more contextual than men's - not that men's aren't contextual, just women are more so. Feelings of being cared for, supported facilitate arousal. I agree with Debby that it's not actually about the CHORES, per se; it's about feeling close, about sharing a life and feeling connected to the person with whom you're sharing that life.
I mentioned elsewhere that my sister get turned on when her husband plays the piano; they're both professional musicians and it just fills her with a sense of communion. She gets a similar feeling when he takes the recycling without being asked. But it's not about the recycling, it's about feeling supported and understood.
(He uses has a grocery bag that says "I use this bag because my wife cares about the environment.")
Full disclosure: When I first heard it, I bristled at the term "choreplay." However, in my work and research, many women say that a partner who helps them around the home can turns them on, and in turn, enhance their sex life. Why? Well, the reason many of us are lacking in the libido department is that we are multitaskers - partner, partnership, homemaker, worker, bookkeeping, etc. We barely sleep; all those responsibilities take a toll on us. A man who helps us around the home is sensitive to our needs and is appreciative. A little appreciation goes a long way - in and out of the bedroom.
Chore-play is absolutely important in my home.
When my husband plays with the kids or cleans the home, makes me feel that he is fully engaged and committed to the life we built together. It also helps relieve my stress and arm long to-do list which means there is more time for sex.
That being said, I'm sure he feels loved and cared for when he has a nice dinner waiting for him when he gets home from work or nicely pressed shirts to wear.
I think the little things done through out the day are pretty much make a relationship and create a great connection which is the foundation to a satisfying sex life.
I never really considered it "choreplay", but I work out of town for extended periods of time and then am off for a few weeks. My wife has to do all the work while I'm gone, so when I'm home, I make sure to do some cooking, a little cleaning, take care of the yard, wash the dogs and the cars, etc, etc. She is always very appreciative when I do stuff around the house and our love life is fantastic!