Anal Sex
My husband and I love each other tremendously, we have one major difference - he is absolutely turned on by the anus-during sex, he wants to play with that area or even me talking about it, I have tried full anal a few times, very carefully and I was in control of the position-It was painful and I still didn't care. So I am the complete opposite, the anus actually is a turn off to me-always has been but I kind of let him have as much of it as I could, although I have asked at times to not make is such a part of our life. We are at a point where he has basically told me this is something that he wants-end of story, it is a huge turn on to him and I should "take one for the team" every once in awhile...I did explain to him that maybe he didn't make it such a focus(every time we have sex), I might open up to the idea. In the end, this is seems to be something he can't live without and I don't know if I can live with it-I don't know if we can compromise...Any thoughts?
It sounds like you've made a good effort at being GGG--that is, good, giving, and game, the three things a good lover should be--and that it's time for him to do the same. You have been giving: willing to indulge him even when it wasn't necessarily your cup of tea, and you have been game to try things that he wanted to do. It sounds like you have been a great, willing partner and he needs to realize that he has to do the same for your relationship to work.
Thanks Anna, I worry that this is a deal breaker - this is his "fetish" and he won't move past it...I am going between being angry because of his selfishness, and sympathetic to his desire and I wish I could just "take 1 for the team" as he has said. I am even thinking about getting a toy that is similar to his size so he can perhaps understand the feeling-my luck would be that he likes it...I was going to try to use a comparison tonight like this;What if my biggest desire is to have a 3-some with another guy,that's all I talk about and fantasized about, maybe we even dabbled in it once or twice, and then you expressed that it made you feel horrible - but I still insisted that this is what I like so he should take one for the team and deal with me talking about it during sex??? Could that be considered the same in some way--I can't explain my lack of desire for anal, I have rectal issues, irregularity-PAINFUL- plus potentially messy. Can't imagine my marriage ending because of anal!
In a loving relationship, there shouldn't be deal-breakers. There's collaboration, communication, and compromise. Everyone has a comfort zone, and sometimes it's fun and horizon-expanding to gently push out of your comfort zone, but it sounds like you have a clear sense of your own boundaries, and you should not feel emotionally-blackmailed into participating in sex-acts of any kinds. Part of the issue is that anal sex has become a mainstay of conventional porn sites and make it seem like everyone's doing it. But it's perfectly natural for you to have fears, trepidation, and ultimately to know what you're willing to do and what you're unwilling to do. Anna wrote a very thoughtful post and I just want to support the idea that no one should ever be coerced into a sexual situation that gives them pause. This is an important topic and fits in with our main theme this weeks about fantasy versus reality in the bedroom. Do you think you want to see a sex therapist to help with communication?
Thank you Ian and Anna, therapy may have to be our next option...I knew it was always an issue but I didn't feel this pushed until now. He is away for 14 weeks right now, so timing couldn't be worse for him to express his "desperate" need (it was brought up in our sexting-as it constantly is-and I said keep my ass out of it-haha)....We have a long string of emails around this and I am upset because I don't think he took anything from my explanation - a large part of this is physical, but also, that whole area has ALWAYS been a turn off to me....In this case one of us has to sacrifice our wants - by him sacrificing his, means he becomes bored and we know where that leads, by me sacrificing, I stop enjoying sex and feel violated. I am very sad right now because I feel at a loss-the distance doesn't help...:( Thank you both...
In my opinion your husband is too hung up on the anal and is being insensitive to your concerns. Would he really be turned on if you engaged anal sex despite the fact it's painful to you only to please him?
Personally I could not enjoy a sex act that my partner has to stoically endure. Seems to me close to rape only using emotional manipulation for coercion as opposed to physical force.
Goldi, we have been discussing a similar theme in the thread "when fantasies become reality." In my experience, one person's fantasy is sometimes another person's nightmare. It seems like you have dealt with the situation reasonably, and I wonder -- is this the only area where you husband demonstrates a lack of equivocation? Either way, I think you're ready to let a sex therapist help mediate. All the best.
As I have written in other topics, anal is not my thing either--too uncomfortable, I don't like the mess, there are cleanliness issues, etc. Also, in college, I allowed my boyfriend to take me that way one time, doggie style, and because of his wide girth, rough style, and lack of lube it was a bad experience. I was sore for 2-3 days, and in reality I was a bit ashamed of the act. Anyway, in addition to what has been well-written above, could you try diverting him with some other kind of sexual desire he may have that is also sexy for you too?