Husband doesn't want SEX!!!!
I'm a 29 years old, mother of two ages 2 and 3. Yes, I've lost all the baby weight and am in good shape. 5'4 120. My husband and I have been together for a little over 10 years. (he is 29 too) The problem is he never wants to have sex with me.Our marriage is strong in every aspect. The only problem is I want sex and he doesn't?!?! We do about once a week, and that's because I come onto HIM!!!
I cant for the life of me remember the last time he came onto me. I'm constantly trying and getting turned down. Now, in his defense he is busy and under a lot of stress right now with work. I would say affair, but know positively it isn't an option. It would be impossible! He is way too honest and loyal to do that. Plus I handle the finances and would know right away! I'm just lost and don't know where to go from here. I feel attractive, but he doesn't make me feel that way and I want him to. I also want him, but cant get him to want me.
Any thoughts on how to fix this issue. . .and fast!
I am not a counselor but have 33 years of marriage as aguide. I must also tell you I am currently having some problems but are not like yours. I might say that as a father, especially when our daughter was little ( now 27 years old) I felt as if I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. Being a responsible parent was first and foremost even it meant giving up sex for a while. This came after being told by my wife that our daughter came first.( she didnt actually say it that way, it was interpreted that way)
I know that children are a big responsibility ( duh) I dont want to sound cliche with that statement. I just think as good parents we sometimes interpret that to mean the children come first. I dont think that is correct. The best thing any parent can do is love their spouse. That itself will be a great example to the children. Just my opinion. Thanks for allowing me to share.
It is a little stange (and frustrating) to hear about a man isn't interested in having sex with his attractive wife, but like you said it's probably stress / exhaustion from his job. I've always been the one complaining about my wife not wanting sex ever, but recently she brought up how sad it is that we have sex so infrequently. I was a little confused... But at this point it's not that easy because there have been so many times when we've tried, gotten about halfway there and then the mood just dies and we stop. Not only is that incredibly frustrating, but it has seriously decreased my interest in trying to romance her in fear of getting shot down or frustrated. This has made for a bad cycle of no lovin'. It's hard to say what your husband needs, but maybe if you give him some other kind of outlet (be it TV, Video Games, a night out with the guys, etc...) a few nights a week and then a few nights a week are spent with you, that might help him 'seize the opportunity' more often.
Thank you for your help. I do know he is very stressed right now in his career. He is a wonderful father, husband and provider. I shower him with love and tell him all the time he is my hero and the man of my dreams. I suppose right now I'm just frustrated. I'm finally done with breastfeeding, being pregnant, getting rid of the baby weight and the constantly being available to give my children every second of me. Instead now I just want to be with my husband. I suppose we all go in cycles and it was nice to get a male's point of view. My husband says he just has too much stress right now and said that the thought of "performing" would add to it. It just gets frustrating when you really want sex and just cant get it.
Any other suggestions on coaxing him would still be really appreciated!!! ( I think sex would help with the stress. . .am I wrong?) Thanks again
I believe sex definately would help with the stress. For me at least for the time it takes you stop thinking about office politics, finances, undone household chores etc. It's like a mental vacation from everything that's weighing on you.
I think in your case communication is the key. Undoubtedly your coming on to him is great for his ego. I don't think there's anything wrong with letting him know your ego could use a boost from time to time as well.
SMJ, have you talked to him about this? I am guessing you have I just wonder what his response is. When did his diminished intrest in sex begin?
After children are born, men can start to have issues around having sex with the "mother" of his children and struggle with that psychologically.
There is a great book on this topic called, "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel. There is also another book, "The Sex Starved Wife" by Michelle Weiner-Davis.
However, before reading these books, I would highly recommend you talk to him and ask him what is going on.
Also you might always be the partner who primarily initiates sex. Perhaps you have a higher libido? Or it is hard for him to initiate. That said, why not ask him to initiate more often and tell him how meaningful that would be to you?
It is true if you are always the initiator and he is responding a "no" it can be very rejecting. Tell him that too.
Thank you Joe for your help. I have spoke to him. . last night actually. I have to say in his favor, he is currently in law enforcement training which is sometimes 12-14 hours a day and on his days off he is constantly studying and preparing for the next week. I just love my husband and with him being gone so much, it makes me long to be with him. I know he is under stress and try do prepare as much as I can for him to lessen his load such as prepare his meals, press his uniform, shine his boots etc hoping this will leave even 20-30 minutes for "us" time. Prior to this training he was having "erectile" issues where sometimes he wouldn't be able to get hard. He said he would feel turned on but nothing would happen. He also says that sometimes he is scared he wont be able to "preform" and that makes him not want to. I know it sounds crazy, but once a week isn't enough. Even after 10 years I still WANT my hubby, just need him on the same page.
Most couples have sex about 2 times a week, so if you and your husband are engaging in sex about 2 or more times a week than I don't think there is a problem. It seems likely that you have an above average sex drive. That is not a bad thing, but I can see how it could lead to dissatisfaction on your part. You mentioned feeling insecure. Do you have a relationship with God? My only advice would be to put your expectations on Christ and not your husband. Let your sense of value and worth come from God's love. I hope this is helpful in some way. I'll be praying for you in this. I Want Sex
Hi SMJ. Just wanted to say that I'm in a similar scenario with my partner (though we don't have kids), and I really found 'Mating in Captivity' useful. It provides a different insight to most of what you hear about sexual and relationship challenges - which is that there is a fine balance or tension between emotional and domestic intimacy and desire, and more of one does not necessarily go hand in hand with more of the other. I still haven't figured out what to do with this insight, but I thought it rang more true than just 'spend more time together', or 'do more for each other'.