I don't even call it a rut...
My wife and I have not had much of a sex life since we married. The few years before we married were amazing, while i realize marriage and two children change things, especially getting pregnant soon after marriage and having another so soon after the first. I really wish things were at a happy middle. I do all the housework, do majority of baby duty, work almost full-time, and go to school part-time. She has free time after her job away from the kids and me.The usual model of "husband can lighten the load" doesn't fit my life.
She has told me it hurts, after not telling me for several years and making me feel like there was something wrong with me for wanting to do anything physical as a couple. I have stopped asking out of respect to her body. She doesn't kiss me or touch me anymore(I have to ask), she shudders/pushes me away if I try to do so to her. I fantasize about kissing her most of my day nothing more nothing less.I usually hold her at night an cry myself to sleep.
Ouch. That really does sound like a rough situation and I feel for you, but you're not at all alone. Check out the topic we have going on here: http://www.goodinbed.com/discuss/2010/08/why-no-desire-for-sex-1/
We're essentially discussing the same thing and some good advice has been shared. While your situation sounds pretty extreme, I feel your pain and I think it's actually pretty normal (not that it's justified, just not uncommon). If I knew how to fix it, I'd have done so myself already. Telling you to go outside your marriage would be bad advice and something to consider only as an absolute last resort (I certainly haven't.. although I've been pretty tempted). I love my wife and don't want to be unfaithful. I would recommend finding something YOU like that is a good distraction from the drama. Video Games, drinks, some porn or getting lost on the Internet can be great fun. If your indifference doesn't get her attention, then so what? You're having a good time anyway!
Thank you for sharing. I think it's a good sign that she told you it hurts her. Have you talked more about it since then? It would be a good idea for her to see her doctor to make sure everything is in working order. There are many things that can cause pain, including scar tissue due to a tear or epistiotomy in childbrith, or vaginal dryness casued by breastfeeding, being on the pill or even antidepressants. There are many other more serious reasons it would be good to rule out. Sometimes women are embarrassed to talk to their doctors about this -- please encourage her! If it hurts her to have sex, then I can see how she would rebuff even non-sexual touch in fear that it might lead you on. This might be only one part of some larger relationship issues, but it's a start. She (and you!) don't have to suffer in silence. If you get this piece worked out, it will open the door to more communication and more connection.
If I remember correctly it is a fistula(sp?). It didn't heal properly. The OB attempted surgery, it healled a little more, but it still didn't heal properly. She doesn't want to try again, I don't blame her. She also has a IUD to prevent another baby. I am aware that might be a problem as far as desire goes, but she doesn't seem bothered by the lack of desire. It is nearly impossible to talk of sex, I don't really know what to do. I have tried everything imagined. She tries to reach me the emotional route, but doesn't realize snuggleing and watching a movie/tv every "US" night doesn't cut it after several years of very little physical interaction.Until 6 months ago, the smell of her still gave me butterflies and kissing got me off. I haven't told her because i fear her reaction.
So, I am not a doctor, hopefully one of our experts who knows more about anatomy will chime in, but if it was a fistula, what I've heard is that this can indeed be very traumatic physically and emotionally. I really really want to encourage her to see another doctor and at least get a second opinion. It can be so overwhelming but too often I have heard stories of women not getting help because they thought there was none, and then later wishing they had fought more for it. It might not seem like a big deal to her now, especially if she's focusing on the little ones, but it will be even more so down the road. If there really isn't anything a doctor can do to make her physically more comfortable, I would suggest she talk to a counselor about ways to help her deal with it emotionally.
I researched the term, I am correct. It is not as severe one, but it results in discomfort to a high level of pain depending on the activity and duration. None of the other problems associated with them are present. I have wondered if some sort of plastic surgeon would be of benefit.She has healing issues in general.
I don't really care about sex anymore, it is everything else. I almost feel like we are those two friends that are secretly in love but fear taking it that route. Above all else I want her to feel like she use to, especially pain free.
Although you fear her reaction, I think you absolutely need to talk with her and become her ally in this. Make it clear that you think of it as "your guys' " problem, not just "hers" -- and that it's not about the sex you're not getting, but the health and happiness she is entitled to.
Have you considered she is cheating on you?
It may be worth a visit to a sex therapist--if there are certain positions that hurt her, the two of you can figure out other positions that don't hurt. This requires her to be game for figuring it out, though, and it sounds like she may not be there.
You aren't getting what you need out of this relationship (physical intimacy, emotional connection, etc.), and to get what you need, the two of you are going to have to have frank, honest conversations about how you can work together to make sure that you and she are both happy. It will take compromise, from both of you, not just you--if you keep giving with no return, I'm willing to bet that eventually you will get burnt out and resentful.
Couple's and individual therapy may be a good route, as well.
I have discussed this with her, she feels that it wouldn't be worth it. I constantly try to talk to her about everything we need to talk about, but it always "ruins the night" or "isn't the right time". I am tired of getting ahut down when i am trying to do good for both of us.
Some days I do feel resentful and burnt out. I feel taken advantage of some days, she knows I will not leave her or cheat( if I am in a stable state of mind). I have made her joy a high priority, I wish she would see that and appreciate my hard work.