Low libido or chronic masturbator?
This is kind of complicated but it bugs me to no end. I'm 50 years old. My husband and I have been married for just less than 3 years. Before we got married we had a terrific sex life. He is an awesome lover, the best I've ever been with. It seems we couldn't keep our hands or minds off of each other.
That changed immediately once we were married. He became distant and was no longer interested in initiating sex. Worse, he started rejecting my advances, ignoring my overtures, and pretending that he was just clueless. When we did have sex he would climb on and go full bore, climaxing very quickly, often taking less than a minute to orgasm.
There were other changes. He began masturbating a lot, often staying up very late at night, watching porn, or worse waking me up with it, masturbating against my butt. And he goes for hours, often being almost too tired to get up and go to work the next day.
I've confronted him about it, trying to understand. At first he denied it and tried to make me feel crazy. But when I showed him the proof of the porn and other things, he made up an excuse saying that he was just trying to get his libido kick started again and find his desire for me. Well, I didn't call bullshit, but I did say that I thought that was problematic trying to increase desire for your wife by lusting after the image of another woman while pleasuring yourself. And he admitted that was true. And then he hid it a little better for a while.
Now he is back to the same old same old, staying up late at night, trying (unsuccessfully) to hide his porn consumption, masturbating in bed for hours, and sexually ignoring me. I don't get hurt by his waking me up any more with his night activities and his lack of sexual interest in me. Now it just pisses me off to the point where I can't stand to be in the same bed with him. It is so bad that I don't sleep at night any more. I'm waken up too often and too angry to even try to go back to sleep. So I sleep during the day and am up at night.
So, I'm old enough to know that this is a long-term pattern, not something new that just started when we got married. And really, masturbation doesn't bug me, and I want to be clear about that. It is the sneaking around, lying about it, coupled with his neglect of me that really bothers me. He might as well be having an affair, because the damage is the same, emotionally, and to our marriage bonds.
Is there any thing I can do that I haven't tried to try to bring some intimacy into this marriage so that we can rebuild some trust and respect? What do you think?
Have the two of you tried counseling?
Now for some tough love:
I have to ask two questions: do you have children? and are you two still in love with each other? It sounds like you did the right thing in the beginning of your relationship as far as establishing sexual compatibility; it also seems like something changed, and if it's frustrating enough and he isn't willing to work on it and "fix" it, it might be time to throw in the towel.
Yup, counseling.
It sounds like he's not listening to what you need, but more than that, there are parts of your description that sound like sexual compulsivity to me - the staying up for hours so that it interferes with work and relationships... that's not good.
Honestly, he sounds depressed or anxious to me, like he's using sex to build a wall between himself and you (and the whole rest of the world). It sounds like he's in a boatload of pain and he doesn't have any idea what to do with himself. If I had to guess, I'd say he's in so much pain he can barely hear you talking about your pain, above the noise of his own inarticulate suffering.
(I could be wrong about that, but usually a problem this big has wide, deep roots.)
Counseling. It sounds to me like this problem is bigger than just sex.
I agree that counseling is recommended. In the meantime I would encourage you to read materials on sexual addiction and compulsivity in terms of being the spouse of someone who engages in chronic sexual behavior that takes him away from being sexual with you.
As a sex addiction therapist, I hear this scenerio repeatedly. I am not saying he is or isn't a sex or porn addict, however it does sound like there is some hypersexuality or perhaps an attachment to sex by himself rather than with the person with whom he is in love and that is of concern.
You are on the right track. This is not something to tolerate nor accept. Keep talking to him about your lack of approval and your own needs for a sexual relationship with him.
Yes, we have children, though none together, and two grandchildren. Yes, we are still in love with each other. In every other way, this man is supportive and loving. I'm not willing to throw this marriage away yet, but I'm not able to accept this as a normal part of my life. So, I know that when the children are grown and on their own, if things remain the same this marriage will end.
I do deserve a relationship filled with intimacy and courage. I keep reminding him of the same. And although he is compulsive about this and thoroughly in denial about how damaging it is to our relationship, he does love me and he values our marriage.
I don't believe that an affair is the answer. It is just a pressure release valve. And I relieving the pressure is not the way to go ( but I admit that I've been tempted). As painful as it is, I think that if I am to see any change that could save this marriage, I have to increase the pressure, not decrease it.
Joe, do you have any specific book recommendations for me?
A bit more info... he has other compulsion and addiction issues, mainly around shopping.
Well, it seems he has a secret, a daughter he's hidden from everyone for 17 years. That would be a problem. I'm waiting for him to come home to confront this. Advice about how to go about this would be appreciated if you see this in time.
Listening,
Books I recommend are, "The Porn Trap" by Wendy Maltz and "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes as well as "Mending A Shattered Heart" edited by Stephanie Carnes for partners of compulsive sexual acting out behaviors.
Hope that helps.
Regarding the article on Fox "Is Too Much Porn Messing With Your Sex Skills?" http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,598862,00.html
This might not apply to this discussions writers particular situation since she says her husband is up at night, but I think what might be happening in a mass amount is that due to the declining economy, millions of men are losing their job and staying home all day rather than going to work while their wife still goes to work.
It can get quite boring looking for work on the internet everyday and so internet porn can fill that void of time the rest of the day when one might normally be at work.
Yes, it's a personal experience, 50 yoa, out of work for almost a year. It can be a long boring day, day after day at home by yourself, let me tell you. Hopefully when I get a job and back to work, I'll be more ready for the real thing again when we 'both' get home from work at the end of the day.
I actually have this problem of chronic masturbator. I have to say it is ruining real sex. I currently do not have a partner but I have had a few so far this year. It is (pardon the pun) hard to get an erection or maintain when I do get one with a real partner. If I sit down at the computer and pull up the porn I am in the mood for, I'm all in baby! I hate this. I want to find a long term relationship but as soon as something gets deep and sparks are gonna fly this becomes a problem. Its almost like I have no feeling in my penis. I talked to my doc about the problem (not porn but the erection issue) and he didnt even want to look into it. He immediately offered me one of the pills. I want to get my libido for real woman back and the feeling that used to be so good. Is there any way?
I have read the book "Out of the shadows". My wife confronted me about my addiction and I had to take a hard look at myself. I realized that the addiction was controlling me and not me controlling it. You really need to sit down and talk to him. Since I have stopped, I have started feeling closer to my wife than I ever have. The intimacy is better, even fantastic, but I have a lot of trust to rebuild in her eyes and in her heart. Good Luck.
I resorted to porn after the sex was pretty much gone in my relationship. My girlfriend (55 yoa) and I (50 yoa) had a great sex life for the first few years (been together for 11 years). But since she is no longer interested, porn has become my substitute and I hate it. If there was a chance to have normal, regular sex I would try and stop but as things are today, there's really no reason. I would end the relationship and look elsewhere except she really doesn't have anywhere else to go, few marketable skills and no family.
You let this guy masturbate against you? Me thinks he is trying to send you a message of non-compliance with his sexual role in your relationship. That's kinda crazy.
well i guess since he is masturbating so often it means he still has a big sex drive but maybe for some reason he dont feel confident in bed anymore. so i guess the best thing to do is, while and after having sex let him know how good he is and how much he satisfies u so he can then feel more confident and feel much better about him self so he would want to come back for more because u made him feel like a king in bed
When he is masturbating, why not turn toward him and join the party and start masturbating yourself. Not for long but just long enough to let him know you are with him. Then take over for him with your hand then move to a 69 position and go down on him letting him know to do the same for you. Once you are getting close decide if you want to get off that way or climb on top and work it till you climax. Then ask him how he wants to finish, oral or you staying on top. Change his mind as to what pleasure is all about.