Maintaining sexual desire for the long-run
People change. Relationships change. Why should sex stay the same? Once upon a time we couldn't keep our hands off of each other, but when infatuation starts to wane how do we keep sexual desire alive?
People change. Relationships change. Why should sex stay the same? Once upon a time we couldn't keep our hands off of each other, but when infatuation starts to wane how do we keep sexual desire alive?
By staying connected and trying to keep some mystery and romance in the relationship. My husband and I have been together since my junior year of high school, so 15 years. We still can't keep our hands off eachother. We flirt, write love notes that are tucked into workbags, he brings home flowers, etc. I think not taking one another for granted and still making an effort to make the other fall in love all over again every day just extends into the bedroom. Also, small things like a new toy, position, lingerie, or fun/naughty talk doesn't hurt either.
That's so wonderful that after 15 years you and your husband keep it exciting, Shelley! It is also so great to hear the specific tactics used. I think there are a lot of really tangible things you can do to keep sexual desire high in the long term, it is just a matter of figuring out what works for the both of you.
My wife and I have been together for 30 years. We have had periods where family, job stress, boredom, etc have taken some of the zing out of our relationship.
I think that the most important way to handle this is to talk and think.
Think back to when the two of you were inseparable. try not to remember what your partner was like, remember what YOU were like back then. Be that person again. Pull yourself out of your own rut and see if your partner follows. Chances are that he or she will.
My wife and I are closer now than we have been in years. We act like a couple of lovesick high school kids and it is wonderful. I send her cards for no reason, she leaves me notes at home, we take a weekend or even just a night away for us. A relationship is work. When two people get a little too comfortable and relaxed, that fire can dwindle. Don't let it
Speaking personally, I have to say that the infatuation hormones have always simmered in my relationship, but there have been some key life milestones that have altered our paradigm of sexual connection: the first was having kids. It wasn't so much the fatigue, stress and generally overwhelming nature of new parenthood, but rather the transition from a relationship filled with novelty to one that became quickly circumscribed by routine. I think that sexual desire thrives on a degree of spontaneity and unpredictability and parenthood is often anything but -- where once there was mystery there is suddenly total transparency, and where once there was newness and novelty suddenly there is routine and structure.
Infatuation Hormone? Can I get that in pill form.
Wouldn't that be great -- but a high dose of novelty and excitement will do the same.
My husband and I haven't been together all that long, six years dating and married together. He has been understanding about some extended periods with lower amounts of sex due to extreme stress in my life. Even if we are not having sex we are always intimate with each other. We kiss each other several times a day. We hold hands when ever we are close together. I think the real driver, is that he makes a point of telling me how he thinks I am beautiful and sexy, and explicitly how much he enjoys each part of my body and every sexual act. Knowing how he feels about my body makes me feel so beautiful which makes me want to have sex. For my part, I try to pay attention to how I am feeling. If I notice an inkling of desire, I try to feed it. We both treasure our deeply satisfying and intimate sex life; neither of us wants to lose it. We both try to nurture it as much as we can.
I think that it's important to remember that we are bombarded with hundreds of messages that inadvertently sabotage our relationships. Think of all of our magazine stories: "Have the hottest sex ever!" "Make it like it was when you first met!" "Spice up your sex life!" Sure, it's done in an effort to help you relationships, but it makes us believe that there are clear cut ways to get back to that infatuation stage. Relationships evolve. And while you may not have the time (nor desire) to jump each other's bones every two minutes, a deeper respect and intimacy should have developed. Contrary to our tabloid and celebrity relationships, the grass isn't always greener.
After 17 years of intimately knowing my husband (hey, who says one night stands never work out...) we've certainly had our ups and downs, our infatuation stages, our plain old fat stages, our boring stages and now...I have to say that our sex has grown up right along with us. When I really think about it, it wasn't that the sex was so great back in those early years (though it was acrobatic) - it was that our emotions were so heated; it was the passion that came along with the sex. And while that passion is certainly harder to find now, there is a balancing benefit of being with one person so long: all the trust and predictability allows for all kinds of fun and honest sexual exploration. So while we have to keep finding ways to renew some of the passion we've grown out of (maybe, for instance, by finding passion for a shared cause, or for raising our kids together or for lazily divvying up the Times on Sunday mornings), in the meantime we can console ourselves with great sex.
That's beautiful, Heidi! I feel like at the start of the relationship, there's so much to learn and discover about each other, and there's so much "material" to provide relationship-fuel. But after a while, you start to know everything about each other and the relationship has the potential to stop expanding. Or we expand our lives together through thing like children, but we're not really expanding the relationship, and we're running out of fuel, things to talk about, things that we do together that are new and interesting. Relationships need fuel.
Also, I have a thought and I'm wondering if anyone agrees. I think relationships ultimately require a lot of predictability, routine and transparency in order to thrive. For example, my wife pretty much knows where I am and what I'm doing at any given time, and we need that kind of connection in order to keep our nest humming -- but sexual desire is also about mystery and unpredictability and spontaneity, so in relationships we're always having to try to operate at both ends of the spectrum. Anyway, my REAL POINT is about TECHNOLOGY and how things like FACEBOOK seem to bring even more transparency to a relationship -- and maybe a level of intimacy that's not needed -- for example, do I really need to know that my wife is having her third latte of the day -- maybe we need to look for ways to cultivate a bit of mystery, especially as our lives become increasingly transparent. In a world that's making us more and more known to each other, maybe we need to find ways to become more unknown.
Ian - that is a GREAT point. I think you are right. If we know EVERYTHING about or partner what do we talk about over dinner? What is there to discover? My boyfriend does not keep a facebook page or any social media actually and I think it is a good thing. We do not Skype during the day or IM or text. It gives us something to connect over later.