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orgasm reaction

By matches80 on Aug 2, 2010 at 10:58 AM

I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 4 months now. The sex is very good for both of us. When we first started having sex I could tell she was trying not to have an orgasm. When I approached her about it she said the feelings she has post orgasm are aweful. She enjoys the orgasm while it is happening but afterward she gets mad! Since then I've convinced her to relax and let go and actually have the orgasm. She has let go and climaxes relatively frequently. However, at least half the time she does get upset post orgasm. She either cries or just gets upset. I feel bad that this happens and she says there isn't anything I can do to help, that it's always been this way. Is there anything I can do or she can do to improve her post climax feelings? Can this go away as she gets older? (she's 26)

3 replies

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Emily Nagoski | Aug 2, 2010 at 11:31 AM | Reply | Report

There was a recent NY Times article about a similar phenomenon.

The short answer is that no one knows precisely why it happens, but it DOES happen that people's mood can be affected by orgasm. There are lots of theories but no answers, so any advice I give you is trial and error.

Does her mood beforehand affect her post-orgasm mood? Does her phase of menstrual cycle affect her mood? Might her birth control, if any, affect it?

This may sound odd, but maybe you and your girlfriend can try relaxing into the intense post-orgasm feelings and just letting them be, without judgment, without doing anything. Just notice and let them be.

Sometimes it's not how you feel, it's how you feel about how you feel. If you can experiment with feeling okay about the feelings, maybe that'll open up room for more positive experiencePr

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Belisa Vranich | Aug 2, 2010 at 7:13 PM | Reply | Report

I'd be interested in knowing if this happens when she masterbates as well. Some people think these are feelings that are repressed and need to be worked on in therapy, that the orgasm is just the trigger for them to emerge. If you have sex twice in an afternoon,is the second time as bad? As Emily said, seeing the differences in when it happens and how it changes depending on the situation would be important information.

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Gail Saltz | Aug 4, 2010 at 5:54 PM | Reply | Report

another possibility is that this is related to PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) which is basically extreme symptoms of PMS and particularly depressed, irritable or anxious mood. If you can make note of which days of the month this occurs and when in relation to her menstruating, you may find it is cyclical...in which case she may benefit from treatment at this particular time of month.

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