Sex after Baby
According to a recent study from the University of Colorado, more than 90% of new parents experience a significant decline in relationship satisfaction after the birth of a baby. What's going on? Is it stress, hormones, lack of sleep? Or is something else going on?
In her book "Confessions of a Naughty Mommy," my friend Heidi Raykeil writes, "No one warned me that having a baby was like the excitement of falling in love all over again, except with someone much younger and better smelling than my husband. No one told me that for all intents and purposes, having a baby was dangerously similar to having an affair."
As a dad of two, I can definitely attest to feeling like a third wheel -- all the real intimacy seemed to be happening between my wife and our children. It take a lot of energy and commitment to re-direct that energy back into the relationship. But ultimately if you want to raise a happy baby, you have to have happy parents, and sexual intimacy is a big part of staying happy and connected.
For me, I was hesitant after the birth of my first child because I was embarrassed about the weight gained during the pregnancy. We waited 8 weeks, longer than needed. The extra wait time only built up my anxiety.
After the birth of my second child, we started up much sooner and it was so much better. Hormones, sleep deprivation, and smelling like spit up was not fun but getting sex to be part of the routine again actually helped improve my mood and saved me from slipping into that new mom trance where diapers and sleep habits are the only topic of conversation. Also, knowing I'd be having sex at night was a good motivation to hit the gym.
I think it really comes down to what post-baby routine a couple establishes and we all know how hard a routine is to break. So, couples that put it off I think have a harder time getting it back on.
I fully agree with Expert Ian, although maintaining sexual intimacy after children is much easier said than done. As a young father of two, I have experienced all kinds of frustration and confusion since her first pregnancy. Particularly during her second pregnancy, because all of her interest in sex just disappeared and this lasted over a year! In the end I think children can bring a couple closer, but there is no doubt that the sex you had as boyfriend / girlfriend becomes a thing of the past once kids come into the picture. I think a lot of it is biological, and the rest has to do with a couple becoming much less concerned with impressing each other and just being tired and stressed. I think that maintaining a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse post-children may actually be a bigger challenge then raising the kids! To make it even more difficult, I don't think there is any right way to do it either.. But the surest way to fail is by not trying.
Sex experts often say that what happens outside the bedroom directly affects that happens inside the bedroom, and I think this is really true of parenthood. For new parents, so much of their identity as a couple becomes wrapped up in the baby, and couples really stop prioritizing their relationship. I know many couples who have three year olds and they still haven't gone on a date night. With our second child, my wife and I started going out on date-nights as soon as we could and it really helped to bring air into our relationship. Not that date-night necessarily led to sex, but it helped to establish the foundation for sex.
Any change in a relationship, whether moving to a new house or city, getting married, having an aging or ill parent move in, or having a pregnancy/baby, will change the dynamics of the relationship. I imagine that it's tough to maneuver an established relationship with a newborn, who is needy and requires constant attention and care.
I think that what it takes is knowing that the relationship will change, and being prepared for that change, so that there aren't any surprises.
When my oldest daughter was a baby, I felt like everyone except me was having chandelier swinging sex, their babies sleeping peacefully through the night. What was a real wake up call for me was when I realized I couldn't think of the last time I had touched myself (or even wanted to). It was as if sex was something I only did for my husband, rather than something recharging and regenerating for me. I didn't know how to talk to my husband about what was going on, because I didn't understand it myself. It was easier to just say, "I'm too tired" or avoid potential sex situations at all cost and just focus on the baby. Like Ian says, it takes a lot of energy and commitment to rediscover those missing pieces, and it was all too easy to say, "oh well, we'll figure things out when the kids are in college"...but that's a long time to wait, with a lot of potential disconnection in between. And it's true, happy babies need happy parents - and happy parents need good sex!
Shelley, I totally agree that sometimes the fear and anxiety of getting back into it can only make it worse. Whether you're afraid it will hurt, or you're embarrassed about your body or other physical changes that have taken place since childbirth, soon sex becomes this huge deal, instead of that thing you used to do to have fun together. And while I think it's good to not rush into things too much (the doctors usually say 6 weeks for a reason -- though many people do it sooner or later, depending on their own needs), there is something to be said for getting that "first" time over with so you can start to explore your new body and make adjustments as needed! I also like what you said about using sex as a way of staying sane in those early months by having something else to think about. Because it is that shift of the brain from baby to "oh, Baby" that is so hard for so many new moms to make. I like the idea of building it in from the start.
There are a number of reasons that sex after baby suffers, but one of them is that most women are so touched all day long by their babies, such that alot of their intimacy needs are not only met, they are exceeded. Meanwhile many a husband is left untouched. To shift the balance, try having hubby give the baby the bath and a bottle (which can be breast milk pumped) so that he gets some cuddling and the mommy gets some time without another body hanging off of hers. This will allow mom to have a chance of wishing to be touched by him later.
I'm not at a stage in my life where I've had any children of my own. However, I found that one thing my parents did that I will most certainly model later in my life is make the core of the family (the couple) the main focus rather than the children. I'm sure that is easier said than done. I know my parents lived by the motto of fitting us (they had 3 children) into their lives rather than fitting their lives around us. They very purposely tried not to change their lives much when they had children and continued to make that a priority. They've been happily married for 35 years now and raised 3 great (I'm biased) kids, so they certainly did something right!
Kristen, I really appreciate this idea that the couple is the core of the family (as Ian has said, it's like on the airplane when they ask you to put the mask on yourself first -- take care of your relationship first, so you can be better and stronger parents together.) But it *is* so hard to live! Parenting culture today is especially intense, we get so many messages about what our kids "need" to succeed and grow. It is all too easy to put them first and feel guilty taking the scraps we have left to ourselves. Too often as well, I think we pour the love and attention we maybe didn't get as kids onto our own kids, sometimes leaving our adult life partners high and dry. I love being reminded that what kids need most of all is loving happy parents. Thanks for bringing that up.