Sexual Abuse and Feeling
I survived years of sexual abuse, and I taught myself not to feel. For the first time in my life, I found someone who I care about and trust. I'm attracted to him and I care about him, yet when he touches me, I don't feel anything. When he kisses me, I feel nothing. I want to, I just don't. How can I learn to feel again? It makes me sad that I finally found someone I trust, and yet, I don't have those feelings I always thought would come along with being attracted to someone.
Part of surviving abuse is moving on. Your past has made you what you are....strong, resiliant and able to be in a healthy relationship. Allow yourself to be in your present.
This defense mechanism (numbing your feelings), doesn't serve you anymore. Try to shift how you think about what you are capable of.
About 1 out of 3 women don't connect "feeling turned on" in their head with physiological "sexual arousal" that is happening in their bodies. This means they can technically BE turned on but not FEEL turned on. Maybe you are one. This might encourage "acting as if" you were turned on with expectation you will GET turned on.
Finally, focus on the intimacy connection with your partner, allow yourself to be vulnerable emotionally and trust will grow.
Great insight, Kathleen -- I would also say that you should find a sex therapist who can potentially work with you on "sensate focus" exercises, while also using "talk-therapy" to work through the issues. Sensate focus is a series of exercises that were developed by pioneer sex-therapists, Masters and Johnson. Basically, these exercises remove the pressure and goal of sex, and help couples to take small steps in giving and receiving pleasure. Breasts and genitals are usually off-limits for the first few weeks (or longer), so you can just focus on how it feels to feel, without the anxiety of sex. Generally, you will also talk through the issues as a couple with your therapist, and this approach has been very successful in working with individuals who have had sexual abuse/trauma in their past, but want to be able to love again and enjoy their sexuality. You can find a therapist in your community at www.aasect.org -- best of luck!
In a relationship I had I was in the opposite position, I was the boyfriend. However I had some trust issue from being abused in my past on top of her's. We worked through them and are very happy. It can be difficult for both in many ways. Seeing a therapist will really help, good luck to you both.
Thank you all for your feedback. The relationship is relatively new. We spent months getting to know each other before it began to become romantic and physical. He has been incredibly patient and never pushes me. I know I shouldn't, but I feel a little guilty at my lack of feeling. I don't want to fake it because I feel like that would be deceitful. But, I also don't want to lose him because he thinks I'm not interested or attracted to him.
I think I need to recognize that it took me years to learn not to feel (the abuse went on for 20 years) and it is going to take time to learn to feel again. But, the person who abused me took away enough of my life, he won't take this away too. I believe it can change, and I think that is the most important part of going through this. It'll just take time.
You are so right! Be generous with yourself, and keep being honest with your partner.
One of the results of sexual abuse is the numbing out so that the psyche does not get further traumatized. It is a common post traumatic symptom.
I like what Ian and Kathleen are suggesting. I would add that working with a therapist who understands the trauma of sexual abuse and how it manifests in adult sexual relationships is crucial.
There is a wonderful book--a classic actually--by Wendy Maltz titled, "The Sexual Healing Journey". Her book talks about the negative effects of sexual abuse and then spends the second half talking about reawakening your sexuality with a partner and is filled with great exercises for you individually and relatonally.
Good luck!
Thank you Joe. I actually just bought that book :) It was helpful not only with regard to the lack of feeling, but also recognizing how the abuse has affected me in other ways. I think the biggest step for me was to stop thinking of myself as a victim and begin thinking of myself as a survivor. To me, the term "victim" just gave too much power to the person who abused me. Using the word "survivor" made me focus more on the inner strength and courage that it took to endure what I did and to get myself out of the situation. Changing my way of thinking helped in many ways, but the lack of feeling still remains. I do find that each time I am with my boyfriend, it gets better. Even when he is just sitting next to me touching my arm, each time there is more emotion associated with his kind touch. It becomes something more positive rather than negative. It's a powerful change for me.
Thanks again!