Disinterested wife....
Hello all. I don't know where to begin. I'm completely heartbroken over this. This is my second marraige (hers too) and while we were dating I made it a POINT to let her know (so she clearly understood) that I had a high sex drive and she seemed absolutely thrilled at that. I'm 38 and she's 37 so she SHOULD be in her prime. About 3 months after we got married - you guessed it - the frequency of our encounters dropped to 1 - 2 times a MONTH. Its become clear now that she "played it up" so to speak and once she "had me" she just decided that it was no longer necessary. WTF? I've stayed in pretty good shape if I do say so, so it shouldn't be my physical appearance. She has no idea how hurtful this is for me. Its not like she's a supermodel that can have any guy she wants to be blunt. Sounds mean I know, but I don't mean it that way. Any attempt to talk to her about it results in her telling me to STOP talking about it "or else." She is very non-touchy as well which is scary. Any help?
As a woman I know what you are going through. If you read my posts you will see that! I recently spoke calmly to my husband about our situation. I'm very erotic and he's pretty "vanilla" I like it ALOT he cant when he is stressed etc. However I told him if I tell you what I NEED and you ignore that then it's a direct reflection on how you feel about me and our marriage. I think if you talk, I mean REALLY talk to her and she loves you the way a wife should love her man she will actually want you sexually. I want my man because of all he does and who he is, not just because I'm turned on. Talk to her, it's really opened our marriage up. After 10 years I thought we were great til this, and now it's so much better. I only hope you have as much luck as I have. Not that it's perfect, but it's improving and thats the start!
I would suspect that the angrier you act the less sex she will have. This becomes a vicious cycle. Instead saying you would like to listen to her thoughts about what would work in terms of having sex more frequently. What puts her in the mood? Whats fun? After you have listened, tell her you'd like her to listen to what you find fun and would like more of to make sex great. Being heard about emotional things that matter is actually often what puts women in the mood and it works alot better than saying "What the heck?". Also, ask what "or else" means? It is a threat, but of what? and indicates she feels a threat from you, perhaps of a split? Sex really goes downhill when there is threat of a divide...so its better to talk about this openly and either put it to rest so sex can improve or see a therapist to get some help.
This is so hard. Sounds like you've tried talking to her about it and she has not been receptive. You may want to change how you talk with her about it. Try using "I" statements ("I feel confused and upset about how infrequently we're having sex. I miss connecting with you") and listen to what she says. You may consider couple's therapy to get to a constructive, healthy conversation about it, or you could talk to her about opening your relationship up to other people so that you can stay together and have some sexual needs met by other people.
Thank you all for your responses... Oh dont' get me wrong. I don't get mad. I don't really say anything. I wouldn't dare get nasty about it - that would of course be worse. But you see, even if its been a few weeks and I just bring it up or suggest it, I get an EXPLOSION of nastiness toward me about "pushing". Basically its all about HER - I am not to bring it up in any way shape or form, its to be only when she wants it. I've just been "broken" over this. I'm starting think she put on a "show" when we met/dated to get me (not bragging mind you) and is one of those people who think that when the ring hits the finger they don't have to do "that stuff" anymore. If thats the case, I will be leaving. That sounds bad but in modern relationships it seems the guy is the bad guy no matter WHAT is occuring in the relationship. You know, "always the mans fault" mentality. She doesnt' take care of her self anymore, just doesn't think that its important all. I've forwarded articles to her, MORE-->
you sound like my husband. I wouldn't say that my sex drive is low but much of how you are looking at things is how he looks at things. It is hard, on both sides. I want a loving, caring, sexual relationship with my husband. I just don't appreciate it being in my face what feels like every moment of the day. I swear, it seems, if I'm standing next to him for 2 minutes he has his hands down my shirt, down my pants, or is asking for a particular sexual desire that I am not willing to do. I know this alone is a huge part of what our problems are. Yes, it's something I've tried before, it's something I've tried with him on occasion.
I have posted to this forum prior. My wife & I have been married for 20 years. She has in the past 10 years or so expressed no interest in sex with me and yet i have caught her numerous times masturbating behind my back-even in while in bed with me. I will initiate sex one night only to be told she is not interested. Several hours later I will be awakened with her using a vibrator while she thinks I am asleep. I have told her how this makes me feel replaced/inadequate/uwanted, but she maintains she loves but has no interest in sex with me. We have 2 children and I still love her so I am not willing to leave her or suggest outside relationships. It is a very difficult situation. I feel guilty for wanting sex several times/week and being selfish and yet what about my feeling & needs? All I can say is weigh carefully the pros and cons of leaving your wife. I have elected to stay for our kids and financial considerations
I can understand your anger that your wife masturbates a lot, but is disinterested in sex. Has she ever enjoy sex with you? Is it possible that she's just not attracted to you, or that the sex is not enjoyable. If she masturbates, she's able to enjoy her sexuality with herself, so she should be able to express why doesn't (or can't) enjoy it with you. Have you tried to talk about, or ask her what it is about the vibrator that does the trick? Maybe she needs more persistent clitoral stimulation. Either way, I don't think you have to settle for masturbation just because that's what works for your wife. Monogamy can be negotiated and redefined.
Ian, Thanks for the post. When we do have sex she always has an orgasm. She says that she will masturbate at night when she has trouble sleeping-it helps her relax. I get that, but when I am laying right there? And then to turn me down when I try to initiate sex that is what hurts. She says one thing (not interested) but does another-even if it is to help her sleep. I will bring your questions/suggestions up tonight. Thank you.
Part 2: The experts replied that I can masturbate also; that is well and good, but I do want to masturbate-I want sex with my wife. She is the one that has decided she is not interested in sex with me. I work out like a maniac in the failed effort to make my self more attractive to her. Now I work out because it is a source of physical relief to me. I should add that we enjoy a good relationship otherwise. I feel your pain: rejection, humiliation. There is no easy answer. I only suggest that you weigh your options
RESUME--> , I've asked her to go to counseling or talk to somebody about this and she flatly refuses. I've tried NOT talking about or bringing it up and then well, it will just "not happen" even longer - the last time I left her alone about it, we went 2 months before we were together. She seems to look at it as a chore - she'll "let me have it" 1 or 2 times a month to keep me from leaving I guess. I dont' know what to do. I'm really starting to think she just doesn't love me anymore and just doesnt' have the guts to tell me or go through a separation. I don't know people, maybe this marriage was a mistake too.
well, a few things: just because your wife doesn't want to go to therapy, that doesn't mean you shouldn't go yourself -- a good therapist will give you advice on how to communicate and will also help you hold onto your self-esteem. Is there a reason why your wife no longer enjoys sex? Is it possible she never enjoyed it much to begin with? I think if she sees that you're going to a therapist on your own to discuss the issue, it will only encourage her to communicate. Just stay calm when you talk and realize that this is clearly an issue that hijacks her emotions. It's about getting her to talk and listening, no matter what she says.
I agree with Ian--definitely think about finding a good individual therapist. It sounds like you are really frustrated, confused, and getting angry, and that's unfair to you--you deserve to be fulfilled and happy in your marriage.
That is something to consider. I just may do that. But that may backfire on me - she may say that its another "ploy" to get her to have sex with me. And to be blunt, I wouldn't want "obligated" sex if that makes anysense. I'm going to say something else that will get me flamed, especially by the women on the board, but it needs to be said more clearly. She is not really a good looking woman. It even LOOKS terrible to write that, I know - and I wish there was a nicer way to say it. I guess my point is I sometimes think she should really be thankful that her husband pays attention to her in that regard at all. Gosh it sounds awful but they only give so much space to write this so I can't really get into the meaning. And yes, I'm no GQ model but if I do say so myself, I work out, have a good physique and have rated around a 8.5 on sites like Hot or Not, just for reference. I treat her gently, don't raise my voice to her, and in all honesty am a nice guy to her so I'm at a loss.MORE LATER>
RESUME> There may be another issue here - intentional sabotage. Maybe its just paranoia, but she may be playing games - denying me to get me to do something stupid so then she can be the one to look snow white while ending the relationship, you know, those men - theyre all scum. I've recently told her I won't bother her anymore about the sex. I will look into the indivdual counseling. I'm having a hard time being patient though. This has been going on for about 6 months and I'm ready to explode, no pun intended. If she doesn't love me anymore wouldn't you agree she should at least have the guts to tell me so I can leave? The other thing is I'm a man dangit! As mentioned before I have a high libido and its getting very difficult to try not to notice or talk to other women. So far I've been good. But come one, we're talking about human nature here. I'm sure some here - esp. some women - might view me as a "pig" but I'm just being honest and expressing the reality of things. Thanks all.
Well it looks like I wore out my stay here. LOL. I'll take your advice into consideration. Thanks all!
Hi KDOG - Don't expect much long term discussion here. I had a thread going a few weeks ago...it played out after about 5 days. What you will get here is a brief whirlwind of discussion and then it's off to the next topic. You will also get a recognition that there are pile of men and women out there in similiar situations. In this case, you are the "pursuer" and your wife the "distancer". There are number of books written about how this comes about. There is an underlining issue that needs to come to the surface. You can only fix you and your wife can only fix herself.
Two places I recommend starting at: http://www.gottman.com and http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com. Both will get into what's going on in your relationship. Here's my thread from a few weeks ago. http://www.goodinbed.com/discuss/2010/08/why-no-desire-for-sex-1/
My recommendation; read, read, read! And practice what you read! Trust me, I know what you're going through. You can read my thread and will understand that.
Take a deep breath bro and back off your wife for a bit and work on you. I've been in my situation for several years now and with A LOT of work on my part, my wife is starting to recognize the value of our marriage. Remember your marriage vow, for better or for worse. You are in a very sucky period right now...it's definitely worse! Among other things, I've gone through probably 8 to 10 notebooks keeping a journal to focus on myself, the situation and how I can make things better. I went to counselling and I've read well over a dozen books on marriage and relationships. I'm not going to kid you, this is HARD to be here. I can also tell you, that I "think" I'm over the hump with my wife in exactly the same situation you're in. Also this was one of the most difficult things I've EVER done in my life. But as you know, when you get that intimacy from your wife, it's the GREATEST thing in the world! Hang in there KDog!
Want to know more? Check out our mini-guide on sex and your relationship.
So. Let me first say I'm stating this all from a scientific veiwpoint and these opinions no way reflect on my personal life.
Seems to me a few things might be occuring.
A: She's never been sexualy attracted and is with you BECAUSE you're a nice guy and will raise her kids well one day. Statistically if this is the case she is likely to cheat when she wants kids.
B: She might want you (deep down anyway) to take control. She's got the power, you back down when she shouts at you and thus sex is just a tool. If you're good at reading people, perhaps try getting angry and pin her arms. Just to see her reaction. I'm in no way sugesting rape, however it is recognised in us courts that sometimes no means yes and for good reason.
C: There is the option she doesnt like you, made a mistake and is scared to be a divorcee or something simmilar. Not much you can do about that i'm afraid.
D: She wants a bastard, she wants one of those arrogant dicks that "Has value"
Last option. Have an affair.
Sound's like you gotta give her half and move on....This problem is tough enough to deal with when your in a relationship...In marriage your done...:(