No Sex Sucks
I've been married for 20 years to a wonderful woman. We haven't had sex in over a year. She's gone from 130lbs to 190lbs and has lost a lot of her hair. She's only 42 years old.
I just can't get myself in the mood to have sex with her. I very much love her, but there is no sexual attraction whatsoever.
I can't run my fingers through her hair, because of a comb-over she thinks I don't know about. She lost it after she had our only son. I think she thinks I can't tell.
No way do I want another woman and I do not want a divorce. As far as I'm concerned, I can go without sex for good. It seems I've lost all interest. I'm only 42 and I just don't understand that. I know sex is great. Where has my desire to have it gone? I want to have sex with my wife but I MUST have a physical attraction and it isn't there.
How do I tell her to lose weight and to do something about her hair without absolutely crushing her?
No sex sux!
It sounds to me like you really need to bring communication back into your relationship with your wife. You open with calling her a "wonderful woman" and I think that with her physical changes, you have perhaps lost some of that and become incredibly distant from one another.
I really think it is important to communicate some of this with her. If you're right in assuming that she doesn't think you notice (which, I bet if you talk to her, you'll learn she is fully aware, but embarrassed), then perhaps you can find solutions together to become more attracted to each other.
As long as you approach this in a non-judgmental loving way, I think you'll find that opening the dialogue will be a really great start.
Get her a gift to a spa for the day, one that will do her nails, hair and massage. She will come home feeling prettier and happy about herself. Then you can bring up, the next day, how happy she looked, and that you loved to see her that way. Then as for the weight issue, try telling her you want reconnect with her. Then suggest a long walk after dinner, like 3 nights a week. She will start to feel better about herslef and not realize that you were the one to give her the push.
About three years ago, we lost weight together and our sex life was great. She ended up putting all her weight back on and then some, while I have kept mine off. I've tried to get her to walk with me. We'd hold hands and walk all over the place. She loses interest in exercising and laying off sweets very qickly these days. It's like she doesn't care. She has high blood pressure and takes medication. When she lost her weight, she no longer needed the meds. Now that she has put all of it back on, she's back on the medication and she's constantly eating sweets. I've really tried talking to her and she tells me she will start walking with me again, but that "start" hasn't happened. we hang out together, do things together and we tell each other we love each other constantly.
She tells me she's happy. That makes me happy, but I can't help think we'd both be happier if she was healthy and we had sex much more sex.
I know I need more than a message board & there are no quick fixes. Thanks.
As a women, I have gone almost a year without sex, if you aren't happy with your own body you aren't going to be happy with a lot of stuff. Maybe she just doesn't feel good about herself so she doesn't see an interest in actually doing anything about it.
But NEVER EVER EVER just get her stuff out of the blue that she feels self conscience about. Like my ex got me stretch mark cream for christmas one year and some makeup and it hurt that he did that.
So what you really need to do is sit down and talk to her. Don't start off with "Well I really want you to lose weight" maybe hint around it a little like about her medicine thing. Tell her you don't want to see her on that and when you two exercised she wasn't on it anymore. Don't bring it up about her body being out of shape. That can crush a persons self esteem even worse.
But don't forget the best thing, "Be Honest".
I can tell you as a woman I've been there. When we aren't happy with our bodies we shut down. I've been pregnant and breast feeding for 4 years non-stop. . I suppose I forgot what it felt like to have my body be MINE! I've lost all the weight and am in the best shape ever. Now I want sex literally ALL the time. I complain because my husband cant keep up with me. I think she needs to find out why she is keeping the weight on. As a previous personal trainer and fitness guru I can tell you people hide behind their weight. What is she hiding? Also, why did she lose her hair? At 21 I had cancer and lost my hair and it did effect my self-esteem. However, have her buy a GOOD wig. You need to make her feel sexy. . .hair and all. I used the wigs with sex. .different styles became different personalities. We had fun with it. We are now 29 and married 10 years now. We've been through it all and made it. I think it's about communication and making sex fun and make her feel sexY!
Thanks very much, to all who responded. It seems it's a resounding "communication" problem. All of you helped, but "smj" you touched on some things that will help me a lot. Thank you. You are a true inspiration.
No problem, I'm glad I could help. I got some wisdom from this site and most of it was to just communicate on at a very easy tone and dont come off as hostile. I made that mistake! I'm concerned as to why she lost her hair? Maybe she gained the weight to hide what she cant control with her hair.. . she can control the weight. Just a thought!?!? Maybe she should come on her for some help. I dont do the whole social net-working thing, but this helped me alot get others points of views. We get so wrapped up in what we want and need and forget about our other halves.
Perhaps your wife could get some clue as to what is going on within her? I told my husband when we talked that if I express what I "need" from you and you dont make the effort to give it to me, then you dont respect me or our marriage and I think it helped him to understand. Before I was like a broken record complaining. I've stopeed complaining and am trying to approach him differently. It does work!
Good Luck!
Great comments, everyone. It really sounds like this is a health issue for your wife, and a self-esteem issue, and you're committed to staying in the relationship and helping her. I think she has to get on path of healthy living and you need to let her know how important it is to you. You can be loving and constructive and supportive, but you shouldn't have to give up on sex because she has, nor do you have to cheat. I think you need to put her health up front and center, especially if you are able to maintain a healthy lifestyle. ANd know that it's legitimate to feel less attraction to someone, especially when you feel like they are not committed to staying healthy.
Get healthy with your wife, do it as a team, so you can encourage and support each other. Start brisk walking and then jogging together, plan and make some meals together. If you help her lose weight it will feel good for her, rather than a criticism and you will both benefit from time together getting fit. I really doubt she hasnt noticed that you are no longer attracted and I doubt she hasnt figured out why. So really you are just pretending by not saying anything. Tell her you love her and want to take on this project together so that you can both feel better.
Thank you Ian.
It makes me feel better to know that it's "legitimate to feel less attraction"...
It doesn't make me happy by any means, but it let's me know I'm not some shallow freak. I love my wife very much and I want nothing more than for her to be happy.
Thank you too Gail. Although it makes me want to cry to think she knows I'm not physically attracted to her, your post lets me know how important it is for my wife and I to deal with this and communicate.
I tell her several times a day I love her anyway, so it seems it shouldn't be a problem for me to tell her I love her AND I want us to work on this project together.
I don't know why it's so difficult for me to bring it up. I've been married to her for 19 years. Why is this so hard? I know I'm going to have to do it and I will, but it's still difficult.
You have been a tremendous help.
Thanks again.