For me personally, I demand fidelity and would not be in a relationship if that was compromised. I think people in general do cut bait too soon and give up without a true effort too often.

I wonder if also, in this age of easy communication, are we really connecting on a personal level less? It's so easy in these busy days to get wrapped up in life and forget that we have a partner in life. I think when we get wrapped up in ourselves, the allure to look elsewhere grows.

It's hard to look at your relationship and try to fix it if there is a problem. I would image a quick fix (like finding comfort or fun with someone else) has its appeal but the real problem still exists and now there is a layer of guilt involved. I think people these days are quick fix focused. Aren't we like that with dieting, amassing wealth, perfect sex, etc? Are we just growing into a society that wants it all now and forgot how to work to reach results?

I also believe in fidelity.

In my opinion, most men cheat because they think with their %$#@. They have little respect for values. (its a shame)

On the other hand, I think most woman cheat because their husbands have no idea how to make their woman happy and fulfilled in all the aspects of their marriage. A woman usually cheats when she has emotionally checked out of the marriage.
A man cheats out of selfish need.
Too many men these days were never tought how to be a MAN of values. Its easy to see when you really look.

Thats my thought, for what its worth.

What is fidelity? Society has defined fidelity and some folks may have their own definition of fidelity. Nonetheless, everyone is expected to adhere to society's definition of fidelity.

I believe each person's definition of fidelity is based on their values and beliefs; and our values and beliefs are influenced by religion, society and our parents.

Are there times when infidelity may be warranted? Possibly yes.

What if a partner has chosen or "checked out" emotionally and sexually from a committed relationship or marriage. The withdrawn partner is happy or content without physical intimacy. Yet by society's rule of fidelity, the other partner desiring physical intimacy should submit to the partner not wanting to have sex. So one partner is getting what s/he wants, while the other partner is not. Although negotiations are important in a marriage, it is seldom practice or respected.

For many folks opting out of fidelity may be their only option.

This is the case in my marriage of 25 years. I am a 46 year old married woman. My husband has never had as high of a sex drive as I do. I don't think that my desires are unreasonable. Although, I would like to have sex 3-4 times a week, I would be blissfully content with sex twice a week. Often, we go as much as two months without having sex. At one point, 6 months passed without us having sex. For me, it is about so much more than the physical intimacy. I find that without it, I can not connect on an emotional level either. I felt as though I were, literally, starving for affection. I felt so empty inside. I tried talking to my husband, I begged, I pleaded, I gave ultimatums.

Last year I began an affair. It lasted for 11 months. I had never done anything like this before. It ended just over a month ago. Neither of our spouses found out. I'm glad because hurting them was never our intention. It was not planned by either of us, although, we have no one to blame but ourselves.

I wonder what is going on with your husband? Is he having an affair, is he gay, (don't dismiss the idea out of hand), do you have other area of disconnect, is this a change in pattern or did it always exist? Would he see a therapist with you? If he won't, I suspect there is more going on than you know.

I have been married for 9 years. My husband has thus far, cheated on me, at least once that he will confirm. He has no choice paternity tests prove it. I know of at least 2 more for sure, and many more suspicions. Finally after 8 years, I did it. I thought I would hate myself for it but I found that after years of doing what was right for everyone else this was something that, as wrong as it was, was right for me.

But your article is right. I feel no connection there anymore. I mean, why keep trying. He has pushed me away every way possible but is upset that I finally just quit trying.

I have never believed in cheating and still don't believe it was the right answer. I have 2 sons who I want to raise to know that that is not the way to handle things, but then again now I get to tell them that their dad did it and they have another brother.... and one of these days tell them that as wrong as it is, their mom did it too.

I am with the 2 married ladies. I have been with my husband almost 5 years and needless to say this is my 3rd marriage. I am opposed to cheating but here lately that is all I've been thinking about! There isn't anyone in particular. What is wrong with me?! My last 2 marriages ended up in divorce due to them cheating and I've always been against it. Here lately I've found myself not wanting to be with my husband intimately but thinking about intimacy with another man! Again there is no other man...I just keep fantasying that some stranger is going to sweep me off my feet?! What is happening to me? I have I turned into the person I've always hated???!!

I found out my wife was cheating on me about two weeks ago, a supposed one time encounter with a dirt ball she met on facebook, who flew halfway across the country to meet her. I confronted her and got all the details. She had sex with me right after him! It took about a week to get over the initial shock. Now I'm trying to decide if the relationship is worth saving. She said she didn't feel a connection with me anymore and tryed to get my attention but I guess I didn't hear her. I now believe she checked out on me emotionally at some point in the past. She has a history of infidelity. She says she wants things to go back the way they were but I don't believe her. I think in her heart of hearts she wants out but she's affraid. I think I want a divorce but I'm not sure. I can't get the image out of my head. I don't know if I can ever get over it. Married 6 years. No kids.

Get that divorce. Then move on.

I do not equate sex with emotion. Never have, not sure if I ever will. To me, sex is pleasurable, wonderful, and can be fulfilling. But I have never been able to attatch emotions to the act. Is there something wrong with me? My ex cheated repeatedly, I did not find it upsetting because he was having sex with someone else I found it more upsetting that he lied to me instead of discussing it with me. We tried the open relationship thing, which was disaterous so now I am a serial monogamist with zero tolerance for wandering. But am I really screwed up because I don't view sex as an emotional experience? My fiancee seems to think there is something wrong with me, but I think its just being logical and practical...

I am so in this world right now. Even though my husband seemed to be up-front about his sexual struggles before we got married(he "grew up being gay", and I am directly quoting him), and he told me for two years that what he really desired was to marry a woman and have a family. I even asked him repeatedly if he was sure, and he asked me to trust him. Now I have discovered that the entire time, (from 2008 until now), he's been secretly using Facebook to live out his homo-erotic life, even so much as talking about physically meeting with people and havingcyber sex via Skype.

I am devestated to learn this and I do not know if I can ever trust him now, even though he is pleading with me to trust him just once more, that he can be "a better man" (his words). Yet with all the lies, I honestly feel he just isn't being honest with himself...that he is gay and cannot change even if he wants to. As a result, I HIGHLY doubt I will ever trust him again, and it has shattered my heart and my life.

You would break up with your husband if he wanted to have sex with somebody else? That's it, just break up?

Ian, I agree with you about infidelity being one of the most difficult challenges that a couple can face. But, I have to say that I believe that infidelity is a symptom of the actual problem. By the time that infidelity occurs there have, usually, already been major problems in the marriage. I have been in therapy for the entire length of my affair. I remember talking to my therapist one day discussing the selfishness of my actions. And then, I had one of those "Aha" moments. I think that by depriving me of affection, emotional and physical intimacy that my husband was cheating me too. I think that his actions were selfish as well. I am not in any way trying to justify my actions. What I did was wrong, but I was extremely vulnerable at the time. I had never been looked at the way my lover looked at me or kissed the way he kissed me, or touched the way he touched me, or made love to the way he made love to me. For the first time in my adult life I felt like a sexy desirable woman.

Mer, You sound like my wife. She wants me to take partial responsablity for this mess. Ok, maybe a little because I've been focused on being a good provider. She used the word vulnerable(weak)too. She says she begged and pleaded, like you, but I don't remember. Most guys are thick headed. We have to be. If it's important you gotta shake us by the shoulders look us in the eyes and speak like you mean it. We'll comply. Truth is I've always been there for her but her sensors are broken and she gave up. Life is not the Bold and The Beautiful.

cheatedon,
When I read your original post my heart went out to you. I am so sorry that you are experiencing the hurt of betrayal. These posts only allow 1000 characters so there is more to my story than I am able to say here. What I can't say is that my husband is to blame for my choices. I, alone, am responsible for the decision to cheat. My husband is a good man, a good provider, and a wonderful father. People on the outside looking in saw a great marriage. But, they didn't see that inside our home I was living a very lonely existence. Unless it was to discuss our children, our finances or some other "business" matter, he didn't have much to say to me at all. I am a very social person and I need friends and activities. My husband is a very solitary man and his work and hobbies are all things that he can do alone. Simply living and parenting under the same roof doesn't equal a marriage. I tried talking to him many times. Sex had dwindled down to every couple of months. To be cont....

I think that Marriage is a term for one man and one woman, but I do support legal alternatives with other names. Adults should be able to enter into any agreement with others that they choose. If that means more than one husband or wife, so be it, it is no one else's business.

I posted some of this on a related topic, but will b brief here. My wife was too tired/stressed/overworked to have sex on anything like a reg basis. She admitted same, knew she was not fullfilling my needs. She actually suggested I have sex o/s of marriage as long as she did not know the woman, I used condom, & ended it when she said so. Thsi is not typical I am sure! I began having sex with single mom I knew who was lonely & had high sex drive. We both liked each other, she was pretty, aggressive in bed, & we knew it was not gonna lead to marriage, etc. We'd usually meet during day @ lunch, have a beer, have sex for 30-45 minutes, then I'd leave. Happened 12-14 times. One weekend my wife out of town & she did not have her kids so we hooked up Sat & Sun all day. My wife never asked if I went thru with the plan, I never mentioned it.

Personally I think it would take a pretty confident person to be able to accept their partner not being monogamous. I think a lot of us have insecurities and the thought of our partner with another person threatens the sense of security we get from the relationship.

Open relationships seem wonderful in theory but I think it's the rare person who could actually live comfortably like that.

I have been married for 13 years, I have 2 great kids, and a husband that provides for me very well. I also, had the ability to be a stay at home mom for years, and just recently returned to work outside of the home. With that being said, I had an affair recently, with a coworker of my husbands, and I made myself get caught. I felt guity and knew I was hurting him and my kids. He feels immasculated, and betrayed and wants to get the other guy. but with all that being said, he has since decided to keep me around and work on our marriage. I think I used the affair as a way to get out, and now I may be stuck. I felt luke our marriage had ran its course, and I felt like a maid, nanny and a whore. I just wanted to be free. I agree with the article that women look for different thngs than men in an affair, I looked for a way to feel pretty and wanted again, and it worked for the time being and also made my husband notice me again.

I have to say do what makes you happy. Life is to short to sit around hoping that your husband MIGHT come around and give you what u need. I stop waiting on my husband along time ago. I know being with someone else is wrong but he does make me happy. I felt dying after lossing my younger son in a car accident. Thank You S.. for being my rock when i need someone. And yes after 4 yrs. we are still together.

One long & successful marraige and one long term affair ... I'm happy. I get all my needs met on my terms. I love them both in very different ways. The sex is very different. This works.

Wait a second. It may be more natural to desire sex with more than one person. Thats fine. But, if thats the life style you desire. Then why did you make a marital commitment?

When I last checked, that was what marriage was about. Two people making a commitment to each other. To fulfill each others needs in every way. If that commitment changes, thats fine. Just be single and sleep with whoever you want. Betrayal of a spouces trust is what should be the discussion here. Again, have sex with anyone you like. Just dont do so inside of a marriage that is ment to be built on love, respect, and honor.
The difference between a human and a dog is that a human has the ability to set there values and live by them.
Thats my thought.

This is an infinitly complicated topic, mostly because humans are complex entities. Is it possible that long term (30+ years) relationships evolve in different ways for each party? My wife (of 31 years) and I have a great relationship when it comes to our work, our children (3), our friends, our family, our home, our religous and political believes and at a core level we love and respect each other very much. However, we have very different needs (at this point in our lives) when it comes to intimacy and sexuality. This has resulted in my infidility for going on 7 years now. I enjoy and value my extramarital relationship, we have a fun and sexual relationship with well defined boundaries. However, I'm conflicted and sadden at times by the dishonesty of it all, but I also know that full disclosure would be a nucular explosion to my life and to the lives of may people I love. Is it possible to live a happy and seperate life? In the end can this work or is doomed? I think I know.

marriage is between a man and a woman. it is not between man and a woman and one or more women on the side. if an open relationship is desired, or if affairs are desired, it would probably be best to end the marriage prior to doing the other stuff. marriage is what many have said here. you make the commitment to be with that person only.
the problem with today's society is a lack of responsibility and a lack of cajones.
do the right thing, not the thing you might want to do, but the right thing. believe it or not there is a difference. no matter how many people say up is down, it's still up. same with marriage. two people only, for better or worse. looking outside of marriage is selfish.

I identify with so many who have written. I have been married for over 35 years, but early in the marriage the lack of sex was a problem. I tried to get him into counseling but he wouldn't go. My marriage has been completely celibate for 15 years. I closed down that part of my life. Then a month ago the man I fell in love with at the tender age of 13 came back into my life after an absence of over 40 years, and a torrid affair is the result. I never stopped loving him in all that time, and he feels the same way. I finally know what it feels like to be wanted, and I can't get enough. I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life. I have no desire for my husband. He is a good man, but has become more like a brother or son, and I feel like sex with him would be incestuous. I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I can't seem to help myself. I can't believe I don't even feel guilty, but I fear discovery and the pain it will cause my husband and sons.

There's a world of difference between having an open relationship and cheating on your partner. They two are completely different things.

I believe if you can live happily ever after as they say in an open relationship that's terrific. I don't believe there is anything inherently wrong with that lifestyle.

Cheating on the other hand just seems like a recipe for disaster. The person cheating (rationalizing aside) feels guilty about what they're doing. The person being cheated with feels like they're less than deserving of their partners undivided attention. And the person being cheated on faces the risk of devastation and humiliation (without having agreed to take on that risk).

I don't understand how an open relationship can work. To me, the point of committing to one person is to create that exclusivity that monogamy represents. To allow your SO to have sex with someone else totally destroys one of the things that make the relationship special. I have friends that I am very emotionally involved with, and of course I am emotionally invested in my relationship with my SO. The difference is I don't have sex with my friends. And honestly I don't know how I could without naturally forming a deeper relationship. I mean no disrespect, but I can't imagine having sex with anyone without an emotional connection. The idea seems cheap and degrading to me. Its possible that I may wrong, as many people have pointed out that my ideas are very "possesive". But I believe if I commit to someone, I am thiers only, and I expect the same. However it is voluntary possesion at worst, because I don't expect any more than I would give myself. I'm feeling rather old fashioned...

It adds some spice and excitement to the relationship. When my husband and I did it, there was no talk of leaving each other (we haven't) or long term affairs, etc. Having sex with someone without an emotional connection is not the point-the emotional connection is STILL with my partner, but I am giving him the gift of living out his fantasy. He did the same for me. Getting banged really good by a total stranger in my own bed was awesome-in part, because my husband watched!

Again, no disrespect, but I still don't see it. Part of making a commitment in my opinion is deciding to give up on those types of fantasy sexual encounters and restricting your intimacy to your SO. Is the idea of swinging a turn-on? Sure. But then I think about how I would feel knowing the love of my life is getting banged by someone else, and I realize there is no way I can live with it. I have no problem staying with one person and a track record of very few but long lasting relationships to prove it. Jealousy is a huge issue for me when contemplating this, and despite all the stuff I read about getting past it, I'm just not sure its worth it for the "thrill" of it. I honestly don't think I would ever feel the same about my SO afterwards, and its a huge risk to take. I would always wonder if she liked sex with the other guy more, and I imagine it would destroy my confidence so much that the relationship would fall apart. And truly, if I wanted sexual variety, I would not commit.

I have been the watcher and recipient and have enjoyed both.

Well, having sex with someone without an emotional connection can be cheap and degrading for sure, depending on circumstances. It can also be great to relieve physical needs, reduce stress, have a good time, etc. I don't think there is one definition. I have done some slutty things as far as sex, not proud of it either. I have felt degraded too, not so much by the act I did but by how it all played out, how I felt next day, that kind of thing. When I was 25, I allowed a married man @ 50 years old to f*** me, just because he was handsome and interesting & I thought if I did & he liked me, I'd have confidence in myself. Turns out he was just looking to bang while his wife was away, I was available & willing, & so it happened twice in my apt over a weekend. Have not done that kind of thing since... I am more carefull now, but still use sex for thrills, release, fun.

But sounds like you had some needs to be fullfilled too, right? Emotional ones? Don't be too hard on yourself, I have made sex mistakes too...

I understand filling physical needs to an extent. However I have never gone that route. When I found myself without a committed partner, I simply started looking for another. My first "serious" relationship started at 16 and lasted four years. Within8 months of our breakup, I started a new relationship that lasted 5 years. After that I was married for 10 years, and now I'm on to my fourth LTR. Perhaps this is why I don't get casual sex, or because I don't get casual sex I always seek LTRs. I've never found myself so horny and wound up that I needed to have sex, I just took care of business myself. To be honest, sex with someone I don't know and trust seems awfully scary. After all, how can you get more vulnerable than naked in bed with someone during sex! I need to feel secure with a woman before I can even perform. No joke, If i don't trust the woman I'm with and at least get the idea she is interested in me more than just a sex buddy I can't get it up. Been there, tried it, failed.

Several years before I met my wife, I went to a bachelor party, there were prob 25 men there at the hotel bar, all drinking. Somebody had reserved a suite there & most of us went up. In it there was a stripper, who took it all off, danced, teased, etc. When the dancing was over she sat on the couch and announced she'd give blow jobs for $25. A second young woman with her said she would too, in the adjoining bedroom, & she went in there. I went in to the bedroom-she offered to get topless for $10 more, and totally naked for total of $50. I paid the $50, she stripped, and gave me a blow job. I watched @ 6 more guys go in there for the same thing. I had a few more drinks , went home. I watched the stripper let one guy fuck unprotected her for $100. Next day I felt awful, for me and for her (I'm betting she did not really want to be there.) that was absolutely degrading for me, have never admitted this to anyone even my wife.

It sounds like you had fun as, someone look at as a mistake! You hot something out it too.

All - thanks for the conversation, and for not taking my comments as a slam. I am really just trying to understand how this can work, frankly because I am concerned that there is something wrong with how I feel on the subject. Everyone here seems so open to the idea of sharing sex outside of their committed relationship that I wonder if something is wrong with me. I know from my peers that most men seem OK with the concept if not wishing they could do it, but I also know that I am not like most men, at least the ones I know. I love being in a closed, committed relationship. I love the feeling of security that comes with it. I want to be everything to my SO, but logically know I can't be. Friends can fill in the wholes, but not where sex is involved. I feel that if I am not enough sexually, then we aren't meant to be. I can't imagine being comfortable with that kind of sharing. And I don't have any issues wanting other women. Do I look? Sure. But never have I found myself wanting.