Are you comfortable talking about sex?
How hard is it to initiate a conversation with a partner? Are you and your partner equally comfortable having a conversation about sex? And what do you do when there's a "blush-factor" to talking about sex? Is it easier to share fantasies than to share potential criticisms? Any secrets for having a meaningful conversation about sex?
While more and more people are at ease talking about sex, I still find it's tricky for a lot of people. Often, the comfort level is set during childhood, and is based on how sexuality was or was not discussed in the home. Generally, if you're not used to having a dialogue with your partner, the most difficult conversation is the first, as it may seem awkward and be uncomfortable. However, acknowledging how you're feeling to your partner is often a good way to begin. You may say something like, "this is really challenging for me as I'm a bit nervous, but I know it's important to be able to talk openly and honestly about sexuality, and I want to start sharing intimate thoughts, feelings and fantasies with you."
I don't have a problem with talking about sex, what I like, what I don't, what I want, and how I want it. My wife, however, gets shy, and would rather just lay there and not tell me what she wants, or how she feels. i find that alcohol helps her come out of her shell, but, that is not healthy. I've tried to open her up to telling me what SHE wants, and not just what feels good for me, and I am awfully willing to do whatever is necessary to please her to the next level. I believe when this happens she will see its ok to be open with her husband. Am i wrong?
Sounds like a plan...but, it seems she still hasn't opened up no matter how much you've tried. For some women, it takes more than their partner's love and support to get them to feel more sexually empowered (of which communication is a big part). And, often working with a coach like myself, counselor or therapist can do the trick. However, she has to WANT to feel more comfortable and involved.
Although it may seem counter-intuitive, the best time to talk to your partner about sex is a neutral time when you are not actually trying to have sex. Walking in the park, watching tv, or doing another activity that sparks conversation can open the lines of communication with much less anxiety than if you start talking about it just before or during sex.
My wife and I are very comfortable talking about our love life. it took a while for her to get comfortable talking about it, she is a little more reserved than I. When we do talk about what we would like the other to do or what we'd like to happen, we usually do it when we aren't intimate. We also go over what just happened in the bedroom sometimes. We are also very comfortable with giving tips and instructions (do it there, or touch it this way) during love making.
We have both found that the direct approach is the best.
There is so much sex on TV/movies now that I find many people can make a transition from talking about a character or a scene and then go on to examples in their own lives. Sex and the City was fantastic because it got people talking in a very open way..
I have a pretty easy time talking about sex, and that's in no small part due to the fact that my partner and I have good communication OUTSIDE of the bedroom, too. Being in the sexual and reproductive health field doesn't hurt--"hey, guess what I learned today!"--but ultimately for me it comes down to how open we both are in general in our lives.
I have always been fairly open talking about sex, but it has certainly varied depending on the dynamics with different partners. I think compatibility has a lot to do with it. From my experience, the way we communicate plays a pretty large role in how compatible we are.
I always tried to be open about sex, with my previous partners, but did tend to get embarrassed. I found that I would use sarcasm or jokes, and hope for the best. My current partner and I are very comfortable talking about our needs in the bedroom. We have reached a comfort level that allows us to not take ourselves too seriously and respect each other. It's wonderful!
I've found there are often two types of conversations that couples have about their sex-life: one type of conversation is around a "concern"-- for example being stuck in a sex rut or dealing with a sensitive issue like premature ejaculation. With these types of conversations, I've found it's best to be direct, but constructive. For example, when a woman fakes it, she might justify it by saying she's trying to spare her partner's feelings, but this does nobody any good -- better to have a direct conversation about the issue and to be incredibly empathetic and positive. The other kind of conversation that comes up is more "aspirational" -- wanting to try something new, whether it's a new position or sharing/pursuing a fantasy. In this case, I've found it's best to make the "talking about sex" as sexy as possible, and to do it when inhibitions are a bit lowered: after a glass of wine, or while fooling around and engaging in foreplay. Both types of conversations are important.
I am an older male, 59, and have been married for 28 years. My wife and I had a good sex life for many years, however the last 7-8 years have been more difficult, as I now travel 6+ months a year. I would like to talk to her about trying some different techniques, but I am very concerned that she will either be turned off, think that I am losing it, or have been messing around while on the road (I have not). I have always had a difficult time vocalizing during sex so bringing up something like toys or anal sex seems just too much. I really want to open up with her but don’t know how or where to begin.
Have you ever asked her if there is anything that she would like to try? That might open the door for conversation. I recommend not bringing this up during sex, but instead ask when you are both relaxed and having other light conversation.
Doctor C, I am like Cowboy. I have been married for 34 years and reluctant to discuss sex with my wife. We have never been the type to discuss sex. Due to some surgeries (orchiectomies)and treatment for low T, I need different types of arousal. The unfortunate part is they are outside the comfort zone that has been in effect for our married life. I too want to discuss it anywhere but in bed. She would rather talk about it in bed. To me, that places people in vulnerable positions. So, a few years ago, when I asked about something new ( prostate massage) while in bed her reaction left me feeling ashamed and guilty for asking. This has stayed with me ever since. She does ask me what I would like when we are having sex. I am afraid to answer and lose my desire for fear of rejection, ridicule, guilt and shame. I have been seeing a sex therapist for about 2 years and making some progress. He suggests that my wife go too. If she cant talk with me why bother?
Sounds like you and your wife have a long history of not wanting to talk about sex. But it's a positive sign that still asks you what you would like during sex. Instead of trying to lead her out of her comfort zone, why don't you suggest things that are within her comfort zone and focus on conversations and interactions that are without sexual pressure?
I think it's important to get comfortable talking about sex as soon as possible in a relationship. Even if you're just casually dating, it's important to be able to talk about sex, and to think of these conversations as "training-wheels" for having them down the line. The ability to talk constructively about sex is part of the sexual identity (and evolution) that we bring with us from relationship to relationship.
Not at all comfortable. My wife and I waited until marriage for sex and are each other's only partners so we've both had to feel things out for ourselves over the course of the last 15 years. As a result, sex is somewhat predictable and is OK, but not fantastic. It's not a huge issue in our marriage, but I think both of us would like it to be better.
We both recognize the need to talk more openly and have made some attempts, but without a bigger frame of reference and with the inhibitions we both brought into the marriage, it is difficult. Boards like this that talk openly and professionally are useful, but for us porn and things like that are not an option because of our own values.
My husbnd and I kind of in same boat, although we each had 2-4 sex partners b4 marriage (and I had an unfort exp. in college after drinking too much at a frat). I suggest sex videos-NOT porn. These dvd's show techniques, not a creep banging a slut who moans too loud. The dvd's are tasteful & include expert commentary-they are not sleazy. We watched one on slowing down the sex to increase duration, one on anal sex (which we tried a few times, but decided it wasn't for us.) Not sure it would fit your values, but we also went to a sex surrogate twice-she covered body mechanics, techniques, etc.