Fear
Desire is not an issue b/t me and my partner. We are passionate lovers all the way up to intercourse. At that point, she gets overwhelmed with fear of the pain that she will feel. Her fear is not just of the penis; it's also of needles/IVs/shots etc. Fears penetration of her overall body.
What can I do to help her overcome her fear? She is a virgin, and no one has ever come close to her before. The only way she will let my penis get close to her is if she is on top of me, where she can somewhat control where it is. When I'm on top, she seldom lets me get close.
I've tried to make progress using my fingers, and she has let me get a good bit closer there, but still not where it needs to be help break through. This has been going on for quite some time, and while frustrating for both of us, this isn't something I'm going to force. I love her deeply and want to do things right.
What would you as experts suggest? How common is this type of situation?
There are certainly people with this very fear and it varies in intensity from person to person. It sounds as if she may have anxiety in other areas of her life as well. If she seems relaxed as you use your fingers, then you should proceed slowly as she is comfortable. If not, then she may want to work with a sex therapist about this intense anxiety if this is something that she wants to do.
It's great that you're understanding, patient and taking things slow. There are some women who are fearful of pain based on past experiences in which they hold on to the memory. Others, have fear due to hearing that penetration is painful when having sex for the first time. Although, the reality is that it doesn't have to be and generally isn't when the woman is fully aroused, lubricated (naturally or with the addition of lubricant) and relaxed.
It seems that your partner may benefit from therapy to explore her feelings and experience about fear of pain. From a coaching perspective, I wonder if she masturbates. If and when she does, solo sex will allow her to explore her body at her own pace using fingers or a sex toy to get a sense of what intercourse may feel like. Or, you can explore mutual masturbation to share an intimate experience and learn how she touches herself, so you can replicate that when you're together.
Technical details
First time, she shouldn't be on top, its awkward and you have to know what you're doing. Not good for a first time.
You should be on top, and you should read her every facial expression for pain. Pushing in an inch is too much. A centimetre in out, till lubricated and then another centimetre. It takes 5 ten minutes be patient.
if/when you come to the hymen don't dust push hard all the way in, Not only will she have the pain of it breaking but also of the lubrication part of you stretching and pulling the labia inside her.
If you have lubricant it makes this all much easier. Plenty of lube let her get gradually used to the width and yea have fun.
Get past the bloody bit, keep being careful, If you're 5+ inches dont expect to bottom out without hurting her. Or be able to do it hard "Once she gets used to it"
You dont have to go in all the way and it should feel good enough that you dont have to.
Anyway. Be gentle read he expressions and makes sure she's relaxed.
Katrex suggests that for the first time that the two of you do have sex, she shouldn't be on top. I second the suggestion to watch her facial expressions and keep an eye out for indicators of pain, but I do think that her being on top would be good, since that way she can control the depth of penetration.
DEFINITELY use plenty of lube--water- or silicone-based if you're using a condom; oil-based is fine if she's on another form of birth control. (Make sure you two have talked about birth control before you have sex!)
Also, if she's stressed out about her hymen, check out our expert Emily Nagoski's post on breaking the hymen without a penis.
Good luck!
I agree with Amy and Madeleine: if the anxiety is getting in the way of her relationship and everyday life, it's time to see a therapist.
Amy mentioned masturbation, and I'd also be curious to know to what extent and how she masturbates. A lot of women who haven't had penetrative sex benefit from masturbating solo, using an insertive toy, so that she can stretch out, as it were, on her own time and without pressure. (Not to mention the benefits of masturbating with a clitoral toy--it's important for us to know how to give ourselves pleasure so that we can be better lovers and tell our partners how we like to be pleased and touched!)
Kudos to you for being such a patient, giving boyfriend and lover!