When Is It Time To Give Up?
I just read the article about Sex and the Baby Years, and it tells Dad's not to give up on sex. Well, it's been five years since the kids arrived, and this past year we've managed to make love maybe four or five times. I've tried everything I can think of: lot's of non-sexual touching (if we're on the couch together, I'm rubbing her neck or feet), giving her "space to want me" by not initiating anything more than cuddling (for six months), cleaning up around the house and usually bathing and putting the kids to bed when I'm home (she's a full time Mom, I'm home more often than not at night), asking her for advice on how I can make sex better for her, and complimenting her appearance every day. Nothing seems to help. I'm surely not perfect, but I really am trying to do all that I can.
It isn't even sex that I want as much as needing to feel wanted, but that seems to be too much to ask. I love my wife very much, but it's hard to believe she still loves me. What can I do?
I think we responded to your question in your second post, but what does your wife have to say about this? Is she unhappy in other ways?
perhaps its time to tell her you are very distressed about this and ask to see a sex therapist together. If you feel you've tried everything and she is not responding a thrid party can help tease apart the problem and perhaps come up with more specific and targeted solutions.
I've seen your previous posts and can see that you are quite frustrated. I agree with other expert's advice that it is time to see a sex therapist. Some women find it difficult to feel sexual after having kids because it doesn't fit in their idea of the "mommy" role. By asking her to see a therapist, you are communicating to her just how important this is to you as well as your committment to working it through.
Gosh, you sound too good to be true. I think you wife needs to talk to you about what is going on. It's hard to feel sexual after having children. When I had mine it when in a cycle, pregnant, brestfeeding. . loose weight. . again and again. Finally after the last I lost the weight and now I cant get enough. I finally feel like me again. Perhaps she doesn't feel like herself for some reason. I think you need to TALK to your wife. It sounds so simple, yet it is so hard to do. As a full time mommy I would probally orgasm on cue if my husband put the kids to bed and cleaned up. .not that he doesn't help, but he works 12 hour sifts and is gone close to 14 with travel. However, we went through a dry patch and. .him not me and after getting frustrated an very angry and emotional. I finally talked to him and he opened up to me that he is just too exhausted on the days he works etc, so when he is off he makes it up to me. . .and now WE look forward to thoes days!
GOOD LUCK!
I agree with Gail--sex therapy could be a great way to go, particularly since it seems that you have already opened up communication lines with her about your dissatisfaction with your sex life.
smj, I'm certainly not too good to be true, but I've always believed you need to do for her what I'd like done for me.
I think you're right that she isn't happy with herself, but she's within 5-10lbs of her high school weight (size 6). In my eyes she is as beautiful as ever, and she knows that I want her. Even though I tell her how good she looks to me, I can't make her like herself.
There is no question that she knows I'm not happy about this, but even something as small as looking at a candle in a store labeled "ignite your passion" will set her off about things.
I wish more talking would do it.
thanks for your advice and time for responding.
To the therapists... first, thank you. I'm out of places to look for help and really appreciate this forum.
My wife has suggested therapy for me, but won't go herself. I've read relationship books, listened to tapes, and tried to share them with her (everything from zig ziglar's courtship after marriage, to your articles), and she refuses to read them or listen. She does not like to be told what to do by anyone. I've come to understand that the only person I can change in this relationship is me.
She also tells me penetration is sometimes painful, and I've suggested nothing more than oral (which she says I'm great at... hard to believe since she never initiates sex). She is unwilling to return the favor for me. (two OB's have found nothing wrong)
When we do have sex, it's all about her for as long as she's willing, with a minute or two of attention for me during which she asks me to come as fast as possible.
If there is something else, she won't tell me after 20 years together.
If she knows how important this is to you yet refuses to either exlain what's going on with her or work on some compromise with you then you have a serious decision to make. You can either accept life as it is or make some changes.