Honesty About One's Self
My husband freely admitted to me that he struggled with his sexuality - he sees homosexuality as a sin. His therapists have told him that his sexual struggles were the result of an over-bearing mother who molested him, a weak male rolemodel in his father, possible sexual assault from a male swimming instructor in his youth. Even though I asked him repeatedly, he said he couldn't see himself being happily partnered with a man. However, I have recently discovered that since before our marriage and even now, he's been unfaithful with me, usually hooking up with men on Facebook. He had create three separate profiles alone between or engagement and after our wedding for this purpose. He particularly likes men in speedos, and I cannot even come close to comparing to the Grecian gods he admires. He swears he wants to change, but I have lost all hope and faith that this is true. The level of deceit have been more than devastating. Should I trust him, or does this sound like a broken record?
I believe he probably does want to change...but can he? Should he? I don't believe he can control his desires but he can control whether or not he posts a profile on Facebook and subsequently pursues the opportunities that presents. His history so far is that he hasn't refrained from doing that. I'm not sure of the time frame here but it would appear to me he's not likely to change.
On the physical side, if he's having sexual relations with men you need to protect yourself from STD's. That's not something you can ignore.
Paul,
thank you for the reply. That's just the thing - if he is a homosexual man, I personally don't have a problem with it. It's the lies and deceit I do have an issue with, and whether or not he is being honest with himself is his own issue. But marrying a woman when you know you have not been able to be faithful is something that I find absolutely abhorent.
I've been married to this man since March of last year, and knew him a full two years before that. Throughout our courtship, knowing of his "struggles", I asked him repeatedly if he was sure, than he wasn't just using me for a cover, etc. He asked me to trust him. But since 2008, he's been having these "Facebook Flings" and there's some evidence he may have met some of them in person. STDs do scare me quite a bit, not to mention the emotional damage. I m a prior divorce with a 5-year-old girl who went through hell with her bio-father. So you can imagine the struggle. He and I are perfect in every other way...except sexually!
Continuing from the previous post - I only recently discovered just how far he has taken this. I caught him one other time with messages on his cell phone indicating someone had shown up at his apartment. He told me he felt he needed a "back-up" plan, because everyone in his life has left him for one reason or another, usually after he 'came out' to them. I understand he has had bad relationship experiences with men whom he admired. But I am afraid...so very, very afraid....that if I trust him again like he is asking me, that he is truly just lying to himself because of social/religious pressures to conform. I want him to be comfortable in his skin, and I am pretty sure with all the evidence weighing that he is not, nor ever will truly be, attracted to a woman. But it's so confusing because he seems so sincere. We have sex...great sex, actually...but I feel a mental disconnect, and even he has told me it feels like, "Do I have to?"
What about some kind of couples counselling to discuss these issues with an objective professional?
I suspect you're right in that for social reasons he does want the facade of a family however he can't deny his true desires.
If I'm understanding your message correctly he's maintained a seperate apartment as a 'back-up plan'. My guess is more likely it's his rendez-vous place and he's trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty by talking about how everyone is bound to leave him.
If he's committed to his marriage with you he's got to stop facebooking, he can't maintain an apartment and he has to work with you to re-establish the trust. Anything short of that would say to me he's not sincere.
Darn these short replies!
We were both active duty military, stationed in separate states when we met, dated and married. When I say apartment, that's what I am referring to. Since then I have left active duty and have moved to a different state so we could cohabitate. "Back-up plans" were these random guys.
He tells me he wants to be a "better man" - there will be full transparency, that he wants to go to couples counseling to untangle his past, that he cannot blame me if I want to leave nor will think any less of me. He seems willing to do ANYTHING to help me rebuild trust. He seems so sincere, but I've heard it all before. I thought he was being sincere when he asked me to marry him. Even today we got a chance to speak (he's deployed) and he said it's up to me to believe him, and he can't blame me if I never get over it. I don't know if I will. He has told me he has tried to "become" a homosexual to fit in SOMEWHERE due to past trauma stemming from his family. Could this be true?
Your husband definitely could use some professional counseling. It sounds like he's gay and struggling with a sexual identity that is in stark contrast to the values of his upbringing. This is not at all uncommon and sadly unfortunate. It's even sadder that you and your daughter have found yourself in this situation. I really suggest counseling to figure out what's going on and get yourselves on a healthy path.
Also I have helped some men who are "homosexual" in their orientation but don't want to live "gay". In other words for them coming out would be living a life of depression rather than the other way around. This demands a lot of therapy. Therapy cannot change his orientation however it can help him make choices and return to integrity which sounds like he is struggling with from his sexual acting out.
I agree with Ian that counseling is important. There are also yahoo groups which discuss mixed orientation marriages. Also I recommend the straight spouse network http://www.straightspouse.org/home.php
He has said that what he's discovered through therapy (ongoing for years) is that this isn't so much about his being a homosexual as it is a lack of a connection with a father-figure that became sexualized during puberty, and a fear of women due to his mother. It was also probably compounded by this male swim instructor that he had - that there was possible inappropriate activity involved.
I have visited www.StraightGuise.com and read up on some material that indicate this kind of behavior may be a man's attempt to relive trauma or fill a void inside. How likely is this situation? Could my husband be "addicted" to sex with men because he's trying to replace his father figure?
Is there such a thing as same-sex sexual addictions, and how does orientation fit in to that? I have read some interesting stuff about sexual orientation versus behavior. Does it sound like I am looking for ways to excuse his orientation, or is his father-figure explanation a valid reason for his actions?
Trying to understand the "why" of things is less important than the present, which is that it sounds like he is gay, or perhaps bi (if he is attracted to women as well and able to have good sex with you). This can't be changed, no matter how much he says he'd like to. It seems like it brings him great shame and he'd like to be saying what he thinks are the right things. He, and you, need to talk about accepting this part of him and seeing how you can redefine your relationship within that context. Please make sure you pick a therapist who is experienced, knowledgeable and sensitive to these issues. Good luck!
Why should any of us assume that something as complex as human sexuality should fit into a neat, little box - gay vs straight? Many men are bi. Kinsey's study estimated about 30%. But even that number is probably way too low, as most men would never admit to it, even when given the promise of secrecy, especially in the 1950's when the Kinsey studies were done. The real number could be double that. And the amount or strength of attraction that men feel to other men can vary greatly during their lives.
Men generally compartmentalize sex far more than women, rarely having a problem keeping sex separate from emotions. The number of married guys who I've experienced having sex outside of their marriage, but don't consider it cheating on their wives because it's with another guy would astound most people, mainly because our society does not allow us to talk openly about sex.
Your husband may enjoy sex with men. But that would never stop him from loving you with all his heart.