Ex's Addiction
My ex-boyfriend and I recently ended things because he can't stop talking to women about sex online. I found conversations with women where he asked her to send him pictures up her skirt and wanted to know if she was wearing panties. He would send me to bed and then stay up to talk specifically to one woman who he slept with about 4 years ago about these things.
His first wife also contacted me and told me that he tried bringing up sex with her recently and explained that their marriage ended because he was addicted to porn. He would stay up after she went to bed to call sex lines and would go to chat rooms and have women send him pictures. This happened 8 years ago.
The thing that really got me is that his libido is extremely low. He rarely wants to have sex and if he does he wants to do it like we're in some porn movie.
He had to move for 2 years because of his job and we broke up for good because I was never going to be able to trust him so far away. It really makes me sad.
Dee: I feel your sadness. And as a male I'd like to apologize for my brother's compulsive behavior. You deserved better. This is case in point for my belief that private sexual behaviors are fine--as long as somebody doesn't get hurt. Too bad he didn't "man-up" and deal with his obsession and enjoy partnered intimacy with you instead--or in addition. Whether viewing or phoning he was choosing "them" over you (and his first marriage). He was weak and men do sometimes fall into love with porn and sex providers--over the phone or other. He has right to do that, of course, but there are ramifications. His behavior, keeping that side of him in the dark, was not health for either or you. His libido sounds like it was fine, his way of dealing with his urges...not so much. Please take time to grieve this relationship and don't grill future boyfriends in advance about their dark side before you've gotten a chance to know their true character. Experts--would you say his behavior was "addicted"?
I just wrote a piece yesterday regarding some thoughts on the term "sexual addiction" (link), but the real question is, does he think it is a problem and does he want things to be different? When people start to habitually look at porn, they can become desensitized to real-life sexual situations and can have decreased sexual desire and arousal. If he has done this in every relationship he has been in, he would probably need some treatment with an experienced therapist to address this, but he has to really want it for himself.
Yes, it sounds like he's channeling so much of his libido into the thrill of these online encounters. I don't think it makes sense to try to analyze whether or not he's addicted, but rather to focus on how to bring some of that energy and spark into your relationship. I agree with Madeleine that a counselor or therapist might help, especially if this is a long-term pattern. If he's able I would also encourage him to take a masturbation-break and unplug the computer in order to re-channel sexual energy towards his relationship with you.
Dee,
I can't say whether or not your boyfriend has a sexual addiction but from what you write he meets the criteria. Like Dr. Castellano's article states, there are a lot of behaviors that can fall under the umbrella of sexual addiction. However the main symptoms of sexual addiction is loss of control over sexual behavior, failed attempts to stop and preferring the sexual acts over a partner.
The question is whether or not he sees this as a problem. It doesn't sound like he has low libido if he is putting so much of his sexual energy into porn and chatting with women in the internet.
If those with hypersexual behaviors are willing to seek treatment and obtain behavior control over their sexual behavior then they can be trusted again by a partner. If they are not willing to get help than there is not much you can do.
Dee, If my ex-husband was dating someone, I would think it might be you. While I understand that you are hurting, having been down that road (and been married to it), you will be better off in the long run. You will meet other men that you can trust so be open to that possibility. But don't forget to take care of yourself, too. I had a lot of issues with feeling like an object during sex and never being able to do something outrageous enough to make him happy. You should be able to feel adored, to be able to give and receive pleasure, in a way that makes you feel good about yourself. Best to you.