My Husband Has No Interest in Sex with Me
I'm 26 my husband's 31 we married nearly 2 years ago. 6mos into our marriage, he stopped having sex. After 6mos I convinced him to go to a sex therapist w/me but nothing changed.
I began to internalize this, feeling ugly and depressed. He swore he was attracted to me. Porn is not an issue for me, except that he uses it to replace me, he told me it was just easier.
When we got engaged, I said my biggest fear was a sexless marriage. He promised it wouldn't be that way. He said he wished I would initiate more, but then it became only me initiating. I experimented and 1.5 years later we still haven't had any. When I wear lingerie, he says I'm trying too hard. I used to send him sexy texts/pics, nothing.
He is a wonderful father and husband, but sometimes I feel like he only married me because I was so willing to be a mother to his daughter.
I haven't cheated on him, but sometimes I think about it. I'm also thinking more and more about divorce but that kills me. I love him so much.
what was discussed during the therapy sessions? where there things that you needed to do as homework? Were emotional issues uncovered? Intimacy is a responsibility of both a Husband and Wife. So if sex is as important to you as you say then he is being less then a "wonderful" husband. And you need to be clear about what you want for you. It sounds like you already resent him. And his masturbating "because its easier" makes me want to know more about what is so difficult about having sex with you? So you may want to decide if this has reached a real ultimatum place. Rather then sleep with someone else, Let him know that you will leave if he does not do what you need him to.
Dear HH,
I was married 32 years to a wonderful woman who loved me very much. We had a sexless marriage after 7 years (having sex once every 6 weeks or so. In the beginning it was very hot, then just dwindled over time. I was lazy in some ways, but unlike you, my wife didn't seem to mind not having sex. We were never able to talk about it. I stayed because I loved her and I valued the commitment that we had made. I am glad I never cheated on her. She passed away about 4 years ago and since that time I have been very busy making up for lost time. There is now a "barrier" of resentment that I still carry and I have to be careful with women that I don't get caught thinking that "women" did this to me. It was my CHOICE. I don't know what you will do but try and keep my story in mind, you get no points for being a martyr. I hope this helps.
I agree with Ed in that he isn't being such a "wonderful" husband if he is leaving you feeling ugly and depressed. You don't deserve that, and you deserve to have the sex life you desire. Sure, there may need to be compromise, but right now it doesn't sound like your needs are being considered at all. And that isn't fair. So, once you evaluate if this is a make-it-or-break-it situation, you should likely talk to him in a serious way about the implications of ignoring your desires.
I think that it is quite striking that you stated "Porn is not an issue for me, except that he uses it to replace me, he told me it was just easier." That is a big deal! Porn is often used to enhance a couple's sex life and arousal, but it can work against you both if it is used to replace you. The way the brain works, instant visual stimulation is actually easier than remembering sexy memories or thinking about new sexy thoughts. But the brain becomes a little lazy, using this porn as a crutch. At that point, it starts to interfere with a person's arousal to a real partner. Did this issue come up in your therapy? If so, how was it handled? I think that would be very important to address.
I had so much more to say but was limited with space. Some background: his first wife left him and his 2yo daughter on Xmas Day, returning 9 months later 7mos pregnant with another man's baby. In that time his divorce was finalized and that was when I met him. I came in and immediately helped with his daughter and wanted to prove that I wasn't his ex.
During couples therapy, I realized that he needed to see a therapist on his own to hash out his past. He did go, again for about 4 months, but stopped going. In couples therapy, we were given homework, but never did it. I left it up to him to prove that he desires me and wants to fix the problem. I have trouble orgasming vaginally and I feel that he takes that personally (why I feel he says porn is easier). I'm 26 and not ready to give up my sexuality.
Why did his first wife leave him? Did he also deny her sex?
His first wife left because she is a drug addict and ran off with a man she met in AA. I asked him if he was always like this and he said no. He always wanted sex with his ex because he thought it would help save the marriage (before she took off). That stung pretty bad and he was surprised that I brought that up in therapy; he was surprised that I remembered that.
The fact that he has you helping him with his daughter while he leaves you feeling unattractive and masturbates to porn is not a good sign. It seems you caught him on the rebound while he still has issues to resolve. You say you love him but it appears to me the only thing you're getting out of the relationship is an opportunity to save someone.
maybe it isn't as interesting as porn for him? so many fantasies come true with porn even though its just visual. do you talk dirty? maybe he feels like he is not good enough? what do you do when its over if you dont orgasm? I know i used to have a problem with an ex who kept going on her own which made me feel rediculous that i couldnt do it for her. And feeling rediculous=not wanting to do it. If this is the case with him he might turn to porn so he doesnt feel rediculous. Idk just a suggestion. don't know if this fits into your situation.
I feel an incredible amount of resentment, and a lot of it stems from his daughter. I adore her, but I sometimes feel used and then guilty for feeling that way. I have no answers and with my overactive imagination, I create all kinds of theories in my mind. I broached the subject of therapy again and he said he feels to uncomfortable to go. So I'm stuck. Leoma, you hit the nail on the head though. He always says he wants me to orgasm, but I'm not going to fake it. At this point he should realize that I don't orgasm vaginally and need other stimulation. He refuses to do anything after the act, so I do take care of it myself. Why should I lay there frustrated while he drifts off to lala land? But would that really cause someone to forgo sex for over a year? I told him I wanted to talk about the relationship because I feel myself starting to mentally check-out of it, he acted like nothing happend, only saying that he doesn't want me to leave.
hopelesshelpless
Not being able to orgasm from vaginal intercourse is no reason to abstain. From what I understand many women, if not the majority, are in the exact same boat. Other forms of sex that do bring you to orgasm are not lesser forms of sex.
I think you're going to have to bring this situation to a head. Either that or accept it and let the resentment grow which I don't think you want to do.
If he's not prepared to work with you and demonstrate that he's equally committed to the relationship than perhaps it means he's not.
No sex in a marriage is a huge issue not to be ignored. I spent 25 years in a mostly sexless marriage and it nearly destroyed me. My husband used it as a control issue and it took me a long time to realize it. If you've tried therapy and sex therapy and nothing improves you need to get out of the relationship. Few women orgasm just from vaginal intercourse and a man who cares about you will make sure you come first, during or after through his stimulation of your orally or manually or you stimulating yourself with his involvement. You are too young to give your life to a man who seems to have big issues; lack of sex is only a symptom and it's not your job to treat him. Of course you feel resentful and it sounds like you've given a good effort to resolve this in your marriage. Time to get your life back - sorry there is a child involved.
Please remember that having sex will not always result in orgasm. It is the meaning of "oneness" that counts most when a couple indulged in sex. Though sometimes we are led into believing that by reaching orgasm it will complete the act. A lot of factors (external & internal)should be considered here. One should maintain an open line of communication regarding this issue otherwise a resolution is a far fetch idea.
My husband says he can't get an erection any longer after 30 years of marriage. He says he just stopped wanting sex partly blames it on me for not wanting it in the past but I was on antidepressant and just didn't really enjoy it although I thought I was still seeing to his needs. Worst part is he want talk about it and the two times that I brought it up he says he will see a doctor but never has. I know he can see that I am frustrated about no intimacy in our marriage but he tries to make up for lack of sex by doing nice things for me. I want my husband back sexually. I am tired of no intimacy. I don't know what to do I am contemplating divorce.