Lack of experience: the 50 Year Old Virgin
I truly believe something is very wrong with me..I am 50 years old, and the last time i had sex or what i thought it was when i was in my early to mid 20's..the act itself left me asking did i really do it and if so, is that's all there is..In any case since that time, I have no had a partner/lover. Sometimes I feel that women wouldn't find me attractive although i do have a very outgoing personality at times, smart, etc. I'm afraid that if someone(woman) was to discover this about me they would wonder if something is mentally wrong with me and not want anything to do with me as well. From what I have heard, women especially at my age, would want someone who is experienced, etc. Something obviously I am not. I guess I am a freak of some kind..Outside of the movie, who ever heard of a 50 year old virgin (somewhat).. i guess this comes from my upbringing or so..you thoughts
Out of curiosity, what's been going on for the last 30 years? Do you have sex drive or lack it? Have you simply not had the opportunity? Has your lack of confidence hindered you, or is there something else? Also, are you currently dating someone with the expectation of sexual interaction? Or are you asking hypothetically? In any event, it's understandable that you'd be nervous, and it might help to pick up a couple of books. We have a number of great eBooks on this site. But also, you have to be able to trust your yourself and your instincts and ability to respond.
Well, I think it might be a combination of all the above that you mentioned somewhat. I hope I have a sex drive..I do think about it, visualize it, even imagine that I would hope I would be good at it.. Its amazing, I live what I like to call an "actors life".. by day I am this outgoing, easy going, nice guy who everyone I think sees as a nice and good "friend/brother" type..Not boyfriend or lover type. I haven't dated since I guess, oh my, does anything prior to the Vietnam war count. Just kidding..There are some women I would like to meet or go out with, however, the majority of them see me as just that - friend/good buddy not boyfriend and some are married which is strictly off limits. It can be frustrating..I have read books, watched videos, done the online dating sites ( no success there) you name it..I have just about tried it..
It sounds like you lack the desire to meet someone and have sex. If that is the case, have your doctor check your testosterone level.
had it checked a while back..says its in the normal range..so i am ok there..
Let me say that there are definitely others out there like you that never really found the right opportunity or time to start a sexual relationship. Also like you, I believe that they probably worry what others will say about them, so they really keep it to themselves, which almost makes it more difficult to talk about as time goes on. I believe that you work on a relationship first, and once you have that friendship, trust, and desire, you can work on the sexual part of the relationship. If your partner really cares about you, it doesn't matter if it's your 1st time or your 1000th time.
Dear declinbb,
As a "recovering nice guy" what you wrote resonated with me. You wouldn't be on here asking questions if you didn't want to get your life moving in the sex department. Dr. Castellanos's comments are right on, but I'll go farther. You mention your life by day, the nice guy nobody wants to date. This is true my friend and no one knows this better than a recovering nice guy. You have described thousands of us, too shy to assert yourself, polite and approval seeking, probably doing favors for women just to have the opportunity to talk with them. Being a friend to these women does not work as it further places you into the undateable category.The process to undo these behaviors that are thwarting your entry into the dating world is difficult but if I did it, YOU CAN DO IT. What one man can do, so can another. I am going to suggest that you check out a book by Dr. Robert Glover called No More Mister Nice Guy.Here is a link to the website: http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/
You wanted my thoughts...here they are: you seem asexual. And if that properly describes you don't feel you are doing anything wrong. Emily Nogoski, on this site, has written exhaustively about what "normal" is. Read some of her highly reasoned considerations. Consider yourself normal. I'm not sensing any angst from you, just some puzzlement about your lack of sexual accomplishment. Not everyone is sex addicted, or sex driven. Are you lonely and want a partner--and feel you will be expected to "perform"? Time for you to get educated about sex and relationships. I'd advise you to find a therapist to cover some of this ground with--if sex is now a motivator for you try a sex therapist. Google AASECT for a referral.
I think it is really important for you to be gentle with yourself. You started out your post saying that "something is very wrong with" you--and there's not something very wrong with you just because of this. When we start telling ourselves that we're screwed up, we start to really believe it and it seeps into every part of our lives--and it becomes almost a dirty little secret of sorts: if someone meets me and gets to know the real me, they'll run away screaming because they'll see that there's something wrong with me.
So. Be kind to yourself!