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sex with wife.

By spongebob on Feb 19, 2011 at 12:04 AM

I've never done this before so here we go. my wife and I (2nd marriage) have been married going on 23 years. I myself like sex. once a week won't set to good with the wife. she thinks that is way too much. her way would be if I'm lucky enough would be every 10 years if she is feeling good at the time. I'm only 69 and once a day would be great for me but I'll take once a week if I could get her to agree. for now I haven't had nothing going on 15 years. I don't pressure her. I've waited this long a few more months won't make that much of a difference. she thinks that sex is dirty and uncalled for, overrated and so forth. anything I try to help her with or explain to her she just looks at me and says, is that all you think about. no, but it would be nice to see what it used to be like. I'll soon be 70, but that doesn't mean that I have to stop. I enjoy sex and always have. so if you have any ideas that would be great. the sooner the better.

thanks, spongebob

7 replies

Carmen | Feb 19, 2011 at 7:11 PM | Reply | Report

Unfortunately, I think that sex drives are mismatched in a lot of marriages. At one time my husband and I were on the same page, but haven't been for years. Our relationship has been strained in many aspects, sex is one of them. Now that he physically can't, and has no interest in trying to adapt, I found myself getting more frustrated and depressed. About a year ago, I bought a vibrator, and have learned to masturbate. Also, I have a lover (who is also married & in the same almost sexless boat), but he lives far away & we cant get together very often. When we do, the sex is phenomenal. And worth the risk.
Neither he nor I like the fact that we have to lie & sneak around in order to be together, but our culture does not condone extramarital sex. I'm curious what others on this site think. When you are in a hopelessly sexless, but otherwise tolerable marriage, is it wrong to seek sex outside the marriage? Or are you supposed to be celibate until you die?

Paul | Feb 22, 2011 at 11:04 AM | Reply | Report

I don't believe anyone should live in a sexless marriage unless they choose to do so.

In my mind though unless it's agreed to with your spouse you should not have extramarital sex. It demonstrates total disregard for your partner, a partner you presumably love or did at one time.

I think your options when you live in a sexless marriage are:

1) Live with it
2) Work with your partner to fix it
3) Agree with your partner you will seek sexual gratification outside the marriage
4) End the marriage

To do otherwise means living with a huge weight on your shoulders that is potentially devasting to you, your spouse, and your extramarital partner. Why put yourself through that?

whodathought | Feb 20, 2011 at 5:13 AM | Reply | Report

I'm 60, my wife is 64. We still have great sex, but certainly mismatched on the frequency scale (like you, I'm a once a day type)..A year or so ago, I started getting together with a couple of guys in the same situation, mostly just to commiserate. Eventually it led to some masturbation sessions and related type bi sex play. My wife's supportive of the situation, as it takes some pressure off of her, and isn't a threat to our relationship, so everybody wins ...not a solution for everyone, but works great for us...

Cajun | Feb 20, 2011 at 8:16 AM | Reply | Report

Carmen,
This is a very interesting discussion about sexless marriages and adultery! So many marriages (mine included) fall in this category and can't make heads or tails of it. Great question: should we just settle for a less than happy sex life, especially when we have such strong desires and sexual needs? I would like to hear more comments on this topic. PLEASE!!!

Cajun | Feb 20, 2011 at 8:23 AM | Reply | Report

Spongebob,
I think you are in a very unique situation. I think you are very fortunate to have a healthy sex drive at 70 (please share your secrets) and still want to share your love wiu your wife. I think communication is a great way to begin the process of achieving your goal of sex once a week. Professional help can be an option as well, marriage and family counseling etc. I wish you the best!

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Madeleine Castellanos, M.D. | Feb 20, 2011 at 3:41 PM | Reply | Report

I think that although mismatched libido may be playing a part here, it is striking that you said your wife thinks sex is "dirty and uncalled for." This attitude can only add to the decline of libido after menopause and contribute to inexistent sexual desire. My suggestion would be to find out what physical pleasures she enjoys - massage, dancing, jogging, bubble bath, foot rub - and get into a conversation about how brilliant it is that our bodies are designed to provide us with pleasure as well as all of the pain and struggle we experience in life. If she is receptive to this conversation, you could explain that, in a way, sex is that way for you as well and that you are sad that you no longer share that with her. Then you could ask her if it used to be a sense of pleasure for her. You could also be curious to find out in what ways you could enhance her physical pleasure outside of sex which may open her up to allowing herself more physical pleasure.

Carmen | Feb 23, 2011 at 8:47 PM | Reply | Report

Paul, thank you for your thoughtful reply. I choose to put myself "through all that" because the thought of never having sex again became more than I could bear. Call it a midlife crisis, or whatever it is, but when I hit my fifties and realized that more of my life is behind me than in front of me, I had to really evaluate what was important. I didn't run out and do something crazy & risky, but when I ran into a man who is in a similar situation, it became a great option for both us. Most of my 33 years of marriage have been sexless, and when we were having sex, it was less than optimal. Ending a 33 year marriage is not a very desirable option either. My husband knows I need sex, but doesn't care to participate in any way, and is not secure enough to deal with the idea of me seeking satisfaction elsewhere. Sometimes the choices we are offered in life are not the greatest. So we choose the option that seems the most tolerable. Or the least intolerable.

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