Not Interested But Want to Be
I have always had sort of a low sex drive but now it is completely gone. I have been under incredible stress with a couple of job changes, my partner snores like a freight train so I get very little sleep, and he isn't really very good at pleasing me. I love him a lot but I am just not interested in sex. I hear other women talk about how much they enjoy sex and I also know it's an important part of a relationship. I don't really know where to turn. I can't turn off the stress and I can't make him quit snoring.
Monica, I am certain that you have all your own answers. In order to have sexual desire, there has to be something pleasurable about sex to look forward to. Next, you mention that you are under a great deal of stress and that you cannot get any sleep (or at least the benefits of the deeper stages of sleep) because of his snoring. Both of these are not only libido-killers, but they take years (I mean YEARS) off of your life. Not only that, but they rob your living years of pleasure and well-being. My advice? - start masturbating on a regular basis to give your body the pleasure it wants and needs. Next, start sleeping in a different room so that you can actually get some sleep. Many couples decide that this is the healthiest thing to do and doesn't mean that you do not love the other person. And finally, you MUST find a way to reduce your stress - exercise, meditate, relaxation exercises, change jobs - something if you really want your life to change. (This is STEP 1)
(STEP 2)
The first step is about reaching a healthy balance as a foundation for step 2. The next step is to start having erotic exercises between both of you that get you grounded in your bodies again, relearning what it feels like to touch each other where and what you both like. I don't know if you have checked out our eBook 52 Weeks of Amazing Sex but it's worth the investment. Also, your partner seriously needs to get in touch with his body and attend to it. Does he need to lose weight? Does he need to start using a mouth guard to prevent snoring? If he is not in tune with his own body, it makes it more difficult to be a good lover. Good luck on your journey - it's worth it!
Thanks Doc. Yes, he does need to lose weight, but he likes his food and his wine, and he's 17yrs older than me so his ability to exercise is less than mine and diminishing by the year. I don't want to become a nagging harpie - a turn off for both of us. I can't control his desire to lose weight. He is a former athlete who swears he snored when he was in perfect shape so he doesn't think losing weight will help him. I want to make this work because I care about him and other than at night I enjoy being with him. But I want to have all the benefits of a relationship that includes intimacy. I'll check out the book, maybe convincing him that he is on the way to a sexless relationship or an ending relationship will spark something. Maybe I'll find a book on meditation too!
Don't let age be an impediment to fitness. I ran a half marathon a couple weeks ago and achieved a personal best. In doing so, I just barely beat out a friend who is in her early 60's. Last year she did an Ironman.
I can't extoll the virtues on being fit strongly enough. It has such a positive impact on so many aspects of your life, such as resistance to illness, energy levels, sex drive, ability to manage stress and so on. Not to mention when you're exercising regularly you can enjoy good food and wine without having to worry about putting on weight.
Monica,
I think you have a bigger problem here than just the snoring, but I do have to tell you that earplugs (the super duper ones) helped me a lot. I can't hear my alarm now, but at least I can sleep through the night :)