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Polyamory - Sister Wives

By Frenchie Dreams on May 27, 2011 at 10:08 AM

I have a question about and want to start a thread on multi-partner relationships. Specifically one man and two women. We are not FLDS, but we have looked at this from a biblical perspective. We are all over 50 grandparents.



Background, I am a single woman that allowed myself to become more deeply involved with a married man than indended by either of us. The affair is going on 3 yrs. He is married to a woman with some age related health problems, but not disabled.



He and I have discussed a committed 3-party group relationship. His wife does not yet know about me. He is preparing to open a discussion and tell her. We expect she will be angry and hurt, but he believes he can assure her of his love, commitment, and responsibility to her. We honestly believe we can have a better life with the 3 of us together, than we can apart. We also know that sex will be the most difficult barrier. We are not considering any type of group sex.



Anyone have experience, advice, suggestions?

11 replies

sexyagain | May 27, 2011 at 1:57 PM | Reply | Report

You are having an affair with a married man. I think you lost site of what you are doing and what you are doing is WRONG! Imagine the poor wife when she finds out her husband whom she committed her life to is having sex with you behind her back and now you. .the other woman wants to be in her marriage as well. I may not be an expert but I am a married woman and it is women like you who give us a bad name. You should be ashamed of yourself. The two of you probally deserve one another. You are living a lie. Everything about your relationship is a lie. He is married and you are just his unpaid whore on the side where he gets what he wants. I feel sorry for his wife to have to put up with what the two of you are dishing out. Karma. . you'll get it back someday!

Frenchie Dreams | May 27, 2011 at 4:35 PM | Reply | Report

No arguement, what we are doing now is wrong. His wife will be hurt when she learns of his infidelity. We are looking for a solution that might keep everyone from the heartbreak of separation. I have never asked him to tell her, or leave her. But we have formed a bond that while unintended, is deep and true. Yes we should have never started this, and are old enough to have understood how wrong we were. But we found in each other a bond, a love, a connection that would be as painful to us to discard, as learning about this will be for her. In looking for answers I have found other individuals that have formed this kind of plural commitment that resolved peoblems for all concerned. I just want to talk to others that have either considered or experienced this situation and get a better understanding of what to expect. I am not a whore, and he is a good caring man that wants to find a solution that may bring more joy to the final third of all our lives than we have experienced before.

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Madeleine Castellanos, M.D. | May 27, 2011 at 5:48 PM | Reply | Report

Polyamory requires trust and communication between all partners. I would say that the communication should have started with them as the married couple to then go out and start meeting others of the polyamory community. If instead, you are both trying to find a way to keep your relationship going and incorporate her into it, you have a much more difficult time about it. First, how can she trust her husband? Next, to really be polyamory, you and she would also have to love, respect, and honor each other, but she doesn't even know you exist. Polyamory is not the same thing as an open relationship, but he doesn't even have that. To some extent, I agree with the first comment here that I think you are deluding yourself if you think that you are not having an affair, and that his wife will probably take it poorly.

Frenchie Dreams | May 29, 2011 at 9:29 AM | Reply | Report

Thank you for your insights. I am not disagreeing or defending the current situation. We know it is wrong and must be changed. We have two choices, we separate and he returns to his marriage, or we look at alternatives. We are not taking this lightly, nor looking for a way to be together at his wifes expense. These thoughts are not fantasy, sexual or otherwise. After extended soul-searching we see benefits for everyone, even our extended families. I respect your opinions, that is what I was looking for when I posted, but I do not agree with your judgements. We are on a path that we strongly believe is worth exploring, and I was looking for experienced advice on how to follow this direction and minimize the potential for injury to anyone. I have lived too many years to give up on the potential for happiness, but do not want that to be purchased on another woman's misery. I really need help on this, not judgement and name calling. I wish you happiness within the lifestyle you choose.

sexyagain | May 28, 2011 at 8:28 AM | Reply | Report

I know I came across harsh in my first comment, but this site is about getting others opinions. . .or at least I think it is. This site has helped my relationship by the therapists telling us to communicate and be honest. However, neither one of you are doing that and his wife is the one that has to deal with the heart break due to the two of you being decetful and liars. Quite frankly you are a whore. . .maybe you dont sleep with tons of men, but what do you call a woman who knowingly slept with a married man. And, no he is not a good man, he cheated on his ill wife with you. That is not being a "good man." A good man would have turned his head and wouldn't be in this position. I think you need serious counceling because you are only fooling yourself here to pretent that what you have is real. It is based on lies and nothing more. You will have no love and respect from his wife when she is informed that you exist. . hearbreak and anger will be the only reaction to come.

WD | May 29, 2011 at 5:43 PM | Reply | Report

Yes, your comment (above) is harsh. This very definitely is an "discussion" site. That includes opinions. But I would suggest that value judgments, or "judgments" that call people "whore" are not helpful. By your own admission "this site has helped my relationship" and I'd like to see the one who posted the mis-labeled "Polyamory" question experience some help. I do agree with you that her lack of integrity (and let's not let the man off the hook, either!) is loathsome. Also, that the wife, who's been cheated on is highly unlikely to be lovingly accepting of the existence of her husband's lover. But neither of us know what's going on between the husband and wife...we're getting third hand info from someone who seeks to justify her behavior. Back to the "whore" appellation: I'd consider perhaps labeling her behavior as "slutty" and definitely inappropriate, but unless money is exchanged, technically not a whore. Devil's in the details. Another funny:"Biblical perspective". HAH!!

Carmen | May 28, 2011 at 1:25 PM | Reply | Report

Sexyagain's opinion is one point of view, but certainly not the only one. There are books on polyamory, maybe they would help. I am also involved in a long term affair, and don't have as much guilt about it as you might think, for a number of reasons. Good people do find themselves in affairs. You always hear about the ones that end in divorce or heartache. I wonder how many exist happily for years. I would caution your lover to carefully consider revealing this to his wife. I would be surprised if she willingly accepts the arrangement you are considering. More likely, she'll tell him to either give up the affair or get out. You may end up without him, or with him and his painful, messy divorce. Why do you and he plan to try to convince his wife that it's all okay?

sexyagain | May 30, 2011 at 8:04 PM | Reply | Report

WD; Just to be clear I didn't call her a whore. . I said she is being an UNPAID WHORE!!! She isn't even getting paid for her services. He is going home to another woman, if it really is love than he should be coming home to her. Bottome line the relationship started based on lies if there is deception involved than I find that to be a big issue. . .that is MY opinion. I cant imagine the hearbreak that this mans wife will feel when she learns that he has been living another life behind her back! There is no possiable way to spin an affair to make it "OKAY" ITS NOT!!! Is is okay to steal? NO of course not. . yet that is what she is doing. She is stealing another womens husband. It's not fair to anyone involved especially the wife. All around this is wrong and the only one who will end up getting hurt is the one who didn't do anything to deserve it! Oh, and on your comment of the wife. If she is a bad wife than be honest and have an open marriage or divorce. . . dont lie!

Paul | May 31, 2011 at 11:22 AM | Reply | Report

Attempting to retro-actively turn this into some kind of polyamory relationship is a real stretch. For your boyfriends wife you are going to symbolize her husbands betrayal. Even if she does accept it it will likely only be because her fear of being alone overroad her humiliation. Every time she looks at you it will remind her of the betrayal. To ask her to willingly accept you into her life seems almost cruel to me.

You should consider how willingly you will accept it a few years from now when he announces to you he has become bored with you and wants to bring the woman he has been cheating on you with into your relationship.

I think the best thing to do is to break up with him and allow him to choose who he wants to be married to...you or the current wife.

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Madeleine Castellanos, M.D. | Jun 1, 2011 at 6:30 PM | Reply | Report

Paul states it very well. I am not against Polyamory at all, but Paul's comment is very poignant - you are a representation of his infidelity. You and he have this idealistic wish that all of you together would work well. But you have asked for our advice, opinions, and suggestions. I would like to emphasize that polyamory requires A LOT of trust and understanding. From the wife's point of view, how do you suppose that she will trust him or you? Polyamory can be structured many ways, primary and secondary relationships, or all attempting to be equal. Do you expect to be the primary? or do expect that she will accept an equal relationship? My honest opinion is that the way it was started is set up for failure. I'm not against the idea for people in general, but the idea was not born out of the marriage, it was born out of the affair. This is not a judgment, it is defining the facts.

magpie | Jun 6, 2011 at 5:59 PM | Reply | Report

While I'm all for polyamory, I don't think showing up with a new woman and saying "Oh look who'll be joining our relationship, honey!" generally goes over very well. It's more likely that this conversation will seriously mess up or destroy their relationship. If he wants to bring up polyamory *theoretically* with his wife and then pretend to meet you later, well, maybe that will work, but it seems shady.

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