Woman with higher sex drive...
When C. and I first got together (tell me if you've heard this one) our sex life was great and frequent! There were some erectile issues but they never prevented us from having sex, just made us creative.
Now he seems less interested (going on 4 weeks). When I asked about it, he said the following:
1. He is still attracted to me and desires me, but sex is not a top priority for him.
2. He sometimes feels that sex is the ONLY priority for me (not the case at all).
3. He sometimes feels pressured to have sex because when we don't I leave his place looking dejected and he feels like a failure.
4. He wants me to initiate more instead of waiting for him (seems contradictory).
We have yet to talk about finding a solution, though we both know we have to. I don't want to lose someone amazing because of this, but physical intimacy is VERY important to me, and I can't make it otherwise. Sometimes I wish I could just turn it off. I don't know what to do. Thoughts?
Yes, I have some thoughts on this. I'm a man but in much the same boat. I also have ed and can't perform regular sex but the thought of it consumes most of my time. I would like to use a strap-on but the wife wants the real thing or nothing. She has a very, very, very low sex drive. I would love to hug and kiss and have sex but she isn't into it. We almost never touch except the good-by kiss now and then. So I got creative with masturbation to stay satisified. I would say he definately isn't interested in you sexually for whatever reason. Your just not the only one with this problem. I guess I didn't do a very good job with this one.
Low male desire is extremely common, and sexuality changes over the course of a relationship. Is he otherwise depressed, or having major problems at work? Perhaps he finds it hard to get sexually motivated, but ultimately enjoys it when you initiate? Maybe he's attracted to you, but his libido has diminished, or perhaps he has some performance anxiety. Sounds like you need to to continue to have a conversation, either between the two of you or with a sex therapist? What happens when you do initiate? Does he end up being interested?
Since I wrote the above he has initiated more. I have wanted to initiate per his request but he actually hasn't given me the opportunity. Even when he's not in the mood, if I just come out and say that I would like to spend some time in bed naked (given the ED issues, I don't want to make it seem like it's intercourse or nothing, I like any kind of intimacy) most of the time he gets into it.
One of his big things was feeling that I was disappointed (no matter how good a time we had) if the night didn't include sex. I have since adjusted my attitude and have made sure to express what a great time I had with him whether we had sex or not. This seems to have taken the pressure off him, and could be why he's initiating more.
I think he does have a lower sex drive than me, and he is 14 years older (he's 41, I am 27) which could contribute.
So I guess I will see how things go, talk as necessary, try to initiate more, and enjoy the time we have together whether it is in bed or not.
Maybe you and I could hook up. I am 53 but have the sex drive of a 20 year old. I will initiate things.
I'm glad to hear someone illutrating my point. He indicated during our talk that he felt that my higher sex drive was related to my, and I disagree on that point entirely. I know plenty of people in their 40s, 50s and beyond that want sex as frequently as I do.
I am in a similar position but with the reverse occuring. My wife has a much lower creativity level. Her sex drive is okay but she lacks in creativity. After over 30 years of marriage, I am bored out of my mine. Whenever I have asked about new things it ends up in a fight, right after her question "is that all you think about?". I guess that is her defense against my wishes for new positions, places, etc. We are empty nesters too. Well, to solve that problem I have reduced my desires and expectation of a good sex life. Since I am "so far off the wall" with my desires I found it best to lower my desire to a level than hers. Sure, it drives me nuts but it works. This way it keeps peace in the home and in the bedroom. As long as she is happy, so am I (?). Besides, I can seek satisfaction elsewhere if I wanted. Just my opinion.
I am a female and have a huge sex drive. My husband isn't even close to me. He teases me that I am the energizer rabbit. Like you I am not always about the act per say. I can get my fill by just kissing. Some nights I will just look at him and tell him I want to make out without the physical. I admire the fact that you have gotten creative by getting naked and just cuddling. To me it sounds like you are fixing your own problem by making him feel like he isn't being pressured. Keep doing what you're doing because it seems to be working.
That's good that at least your husband is willing to work with you. I was married before dating C. I was with my ex for 9 years (married 6) and from the very beginning, he had a much lower drive but wasn't willing to compromise with me. The last few years, I was lucky to talk him into sex once every 2 or 3 months, which was devestating for me. Although there were other factors such as his depression and lack of motivation in life, ultimately, this was the tipping point for me, and I ended up asking for a divorce. Ironically, after we separated, he talked about wantng to have sex with me all the time, but I think sometimes you can pass the point of no return, as is what happened in my case.
Compromise is so important. It's not necessary for someone to have the same sex drive as me (and unless I were dating a 19 year old, it would be unlikely), but... recognizing that it's important to me and coming to an agreement on frequency, well, that's key. :)
Like you sex is very important to me. My hubby went thru a period of not wanting sex at all. I am talking about maybe 6x a year. This went on for about 5 yrs. I was ready to step out of the marriage to get my physical needs met. I also contemplated divorce because I was so sexually starved. I of course thought I just didn't do it for him anymore. One day he went into my emails and read some inappropriate conversations I was having with another man. I had not physically cheated but I was close. That's when it hit him. He confronted me and all I could say is "what do you expect and what do you want me to say?" I had been begging for years and wasn't going to anymore. He told me he failed as a husband/lover and ever since he has put forth the effort to at least try to meet my needs. Seeing this effort on his part has been huge for me. I also have to say counseling was our biggest benefit because we learned more about each other and why we are the way we are. (He asked me to go.) Good luck