You don't say specifically what the issue is. Is it that you both desire sex but the equipment isn't working? One or both of you don't feel any desire for sex? Or the sex you're having is not very good?

Perhaps you've established a comfort zone in your relationship that precludes sex.

It boils down to a chemistry issue we think. We really don't know. From the honeymoon night sex just wasn't good. He would say he doesn't feel motivated to have sex with me so doesn't make advances. I used to make advances but now I fear rejection. The time we tried to have sex throughout the year, I had difficulty getting fully aroused and wet because I knew he wasn't really into it, and he had to try hard to stay present. It has been awkward and frustrating but mostly unexpected since we were both very sexual with our previous partners.
I've tried lingerie, heels, porn but I feel clueless.

The therapist we meet with have tried to identify what the problem could ve and tend to focus on communication. We communicate very well and quite openly so they usually tell us we have a perfect relationship and just néed to work on the sex part. It's annoying to hear such a conclusion since we knew that before paying hundreds per week. We were hoping for tips in how we can work on it. What can we try? Where can we go? Who can we see? The last therapist we saw recommended divorce, which we are absolutely not considering. We are just trying to fix the not having sex part.
It seems all the good therapists who have great results and stories no longer see patients.

The comment that stands out to me is when you say he doesn't feel motivated to have sex with you. I would expect that after not having sex through the dating process and waiting until marriage he would be literally bursting at the seems.

It appears you're more motivated based on your comments about trying porn, heels lingerie etc.

Is it possible he views the idea of you as a sexual object somehow degrading? In contrast to previous partners who he was less serious about that he was able to be more sexual with.

Or is it possible he was not particularly sexual with his previous partners either and there's a physical/medical component to his lack of desire?

Or is it simply the extended build up to sex has put so much pressure on the two of you to have successful sex that you're now unable to do so? Much like a man who dreads erectile dysfunction so much it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Hi Paul,
I am more motivated than he is. I am still very much excited and interested in having sex with him. I'm just afraid of rejection now so I dont initiate as much.
I've done some research on the Madonna whore complex which is what I think you alluded to in your response, and I feel he may be experiencing some hint of that but I haven't seen any treatments or therapies available for that. I'm still looking.
We were intimate before we got married lots of hugging, kissing and we had oral sex once, it all felt very intense. Things got sour from the honeymoon night and has been bad since.
He was also a very sexual person before, we both were.
I know it could be a combination of issues, just trying to find answers and solutions.

I was throwing ideas out there to see if you could identify with any of them. It sounds like perhaps there is so much anxiety going into the act the two of you are having trouble relaxing and enjoying it.

I think like pretty much every problem raised on this forum finding the solution will require open and honest communication. Perhaps ease the anxiety by removing the expectation of sex and trying foreplay only for a period of time. The goal being that at some point the two of you will be so aroused by the foreplay sex will happen naturally.

Since you are Christians and waited, which I think is very sweet, really loving, let me ask. Did either or both of you have relations with anyone before? Maybe there's too much self inflicted pressure being put each of you so that you can't relax. It really takes comfort with your sexuality, I think, to connect sexually. Many people struggle with achieving this comfort level, in my opinion. I think it can work. Have you previously been physically close - hugging passionately in a pool or lake for instance in your bathing suits? Maybe you need to work on some more fundamental intimacy that isn't so scary. Just being close to the body of the oposite sex and feeling their heat and their skin, even if they have some clothing on, can be very sensual and gratifying. I'd talk with your partner and try with these kinds of baby steps.

I'm not saying he's gay. I'm just saying if he WAS both gay and a devout Christian, this is exactly how he would be acting.

Communication and prayer is key to any relationship.