masturbation...
i am nervous to do this but i am worried. i've been in a relationship for about 3 yrs. we had sex almost everyday for probably the first 2 1/2 yrs. it was great!! but about 7 months ago, we moved in together, had a lot of family/work related tragedies happen. it put a lot of stress and strain on our relationship- communication, affection, and sex. now, i know all those are very, very important to a successful relationship. since things have calmed down a lot, we have got back into our groove of better communication and all, except sex. i find him turning to masturbation more than having sex with me. we've talked, argued, understood that that's not too healthy and we need to try and fix this. i need, want, and love sex. i know he does too but he still isn't meeting me half way in getting it going. or maybe he is trying but not as much as he used to. i am confident that he loves and respects me a lot but i am worried that he is no longer attracted to me, among other feelings and it is driving me insane! i know it's normal and healthy to masturbate, everyone does it. but what does it mean when it's taking presedence over making eachother feel good? what do i do? please help!
jgal, when I had intimacy problems with my partner I, as a man, submerged the feelings and lost that connection. It was only after much time that I decided I had to make the relationship work--and that it was up to me to do so. I found a very talented sex therapist (Google A.A.S.E.C.T for a referral) and the two of us began to work, both individually and jointly with her. A mistake I made earlier on was to try and do it myself. That didn't work out so well. It was only when we could take the emotion out of the discussion that progress was made. She felt heard. I felt heard. I hope you don't "try this at home" and instead engage a professional. Preferably one with experience, judgment, empathy and talent. If cost or locale makes this difficult, try contacting one of the awesome moderators--who have thriving practices of their own and post/comment here pro-bono. You may be able to "phone it in". Get busy. You both deserve great sex!
Thanks for this great and very important question. Moving in together is certainly a time of great stress, not to mention the other stresses that you are experiencing. Masturbation is a way of releasing not only sexual tension, but some of the other tension created during the day. It is difficult to say if his masturbation is a problem with just this small amount of info. I would say that until you re-establish your communication about sex, you will continue to have this issue. Try to have regular conversations about sex during times when you are both relaxed apart from times when you are having/about to have/have just had sex. Be more curious than you are accusatory. Talk about what obstacles does he see to having sex like you used to have and really listen to what he has to say. If you find it difficult to have this communication, a good sex therapist can definitely help with this.