Porn addiction?
My boyfriend of 2 years and I have always had an amazing sex life, rarely going more than 2 days without intimacy. I know that he occasionally watches porn on the internet, and until recently, I hadn't really had a problem with it. Lately, however, I feel that it has become a far more serious habit than I had previously thought, and now I feel it is adversely affecting our relationship. Physically, he oftentimes has a difficult time 'finishing' (and sometimes even maintaining). Emotionally, it's driving me crazy by making me feel as though I'm not enough. We've discussed this issue, and he said he would "try" to stop. This only made me more upset though, because I feel like he's being selfish by putting porn before me and the health of our relationship. Is there anything I can say or do to show him how this is affecting me/us, or am I overreacting out of insecurity?
I don't think you are overreacting. If you are feeling like he is putting porn before you and the health of your relationship, there is a problem. However, I don't believe in "porn addiction", so I definitely wouldn't say he is addicted. Now, you've discussed this and he has said he would "try" to stop - have you seen any signs of him trying? What has he been doing to try? If he doesn't appear to be trying, it might be time for you to tell him that if he doesn't start making you and your relationship feel more important than the porn, you might have to reconsider whether you want to be in the relationship. If that seems harsh to you, you could certainly try talking to him more about the details of why and when exactly you are feeling neglected and what exactly is making you feel insecure. This might be a tough discussion to have, but it is a necessary one if you'd like to save your satisfaction in this relationship! Good luck - feel free to come back with any follow-up questions.
This is a tough issue to tackle because our minds are so primed to respond to visual stimuli that it is very seductive. Problem is, our brains become desensitized to a large amount of visual stimulation. I go into detail about this is my eBook A Woman's Guide to Men and Their Penis Problems.
What has he said about it besides "trying to stop."? Unless he understands that it is a problem, he will not be motivated to change.
I've faced this issue,too. I didn't care about his watching porn until I felt it was replacing me. Then there's the risk of him contacting another woman since many sites offer chats. To me, that crosses the line into infidelity. When we discussed it he said he would stop, and certainly wouldn't contact anyone. I think asking him to eliminate it completely is setting him up to lie to me and himself. Relationships with technology require a lot of trust - anyone can do anything and there's really no way of knowing. I believe he has seriously cut down on his porn but I've also noticed a marked decrease in his sex drive. Not sure if it's related. Ian Kerner has written some good articles on this issue. I think communication is key, and maybe therapy could help at some point if just to enhance the dialogue.
With all due respect, I think Ms. Mark's advice to tell your bf that it's HIS job to change how YOU feel about the relationship is dead wrong and unlikely to lead anywhere productive. Good emotional health relies on YOU being in charge of your own feelings and not outsourcing control of your happiness to someone else.
You will be much better served to focus on WHY your feelings about his porn use have changed. Is it just the orgasm and erection problems? Is there something else in your relationship that is making you feel insecure? When you understand the specific problem, you can ask him to address it, whether that request is "I am OK with your watching porn so long as it doesn't impact us in bed" or "I want you to stop texting your ex-girlfriend." But it has to be YOUR responsibility to determine the root of your changed feelings. Your bf isn't inside your head, so dumping the responsibiilty of sorting out your feelings onto him is going to go nowhere.
me and my girlfriend had this issue i watched a lot of porn and she kep trying to get me to stop and it wasnt until we had a very long talk about how it made her feel and why i watched it that we came to the agreement that i would watch porn 2 times a week and i would not watch it if we had done anything that day then like two weeks after i stopped all together i still have the urge to watch it but when i do i stop to think how it makes her feel i would segjest talking about it and putting your self in his shoes and having him do the same another thing i would do i dont know if you guys have truble talking about stuff but make a safe place where you guys can say what you need to say with out getting mad at each other maby have like a talking stick so that you guys hear each other out with out cutting anyone off i wish u both the best of luck