Desire vs Accommodation
I am typically the one to initiate sex and discussions about sex with my wife, and often find that her interest level in having both are somewhat muted. We are in our early 30's, married 7 years and have 2 children.
Most of the time, when I initiate sex it feels like she is accommodating me because I am a man and she is somehow obligated. It's not sexy to me at all. I feel she is not engaged. I don't get a connection from it. I tell her how I have been thinking about her all day and want to get her home and can't wait until we can go at it. She kind of brushes it off like she doesn't care. And she never says anything like that to me.
Basically, I feel like my wife is accommodating my sexual advances but does not actually desire me. If I don't make a move, nothing will happen. If I make a move, I might get laid but its boring.
How do I approach this when I talk to her about it? How to avoid making her feel bad because I feel really quite undesired in general?
Take a month off from sex (maybe longer), and talk it out VERY carefully, with zero blame. She sounds tired, maybe bored, stressed by whatever, and sex is just one more obligation. Work on your friendship! Do you actually like each other? Laugh together? Go on dates? 7 years and 2 kids means it's time to hit the reset button and rekindle what drew you together before marriage. Your job now is to get her to fall in love with you all over again, via courtship behavior, with many small and meaningful gestures that show you value her for more than the sex. Have you tried counseling? There are oodles of resources available as you are going through what every marriage sees at some time. She needs to open up and talk ... and you need to listen. Successful marriages get a remodel every now and then, or they fall apart. Deal with it properly now, or you risk worse down the road. Good luck!
I agree with most of what 58doinggreat said, but "getting her to fall in love with you all over again" may be unrealistic. People and relationships change over time. This site has some good self help ebooks that may give you some guidance. I would encourage you to talk openly to your wife, in a calm, solutions-oriented manner, not blaming her for everything. Counseling would be a great idea. What you don't want to do is sweep it under the rug, letting your resentment continue to fester. Pretty soon you will find yourself in a sexless marriage, like so many other married couples. The longer it goes on, the harder it is to get back on track. So make it a priority. I read once that marriage without sex is kind of like cake without icing. It's ok, but not nearly as good. Make icing a priority in your life.
Too many things to cover to adequately do so in 1000 characters, so I wont' try. I suggest you two get professional assistance in defining your sex roles. A "date night" approach could work. Just one of many possible methods to bring more romance and connection to you two. Yes, as suggested, get sex therapy started. 7 yrs and two kids are libido killers. Don't think its all about you or you being less desirable. Has she had hormones checked? What is her life really like? Depression could be involved. Know that sex is not the type of connection that's highest on her list. Respect her needs, but communicate yours as well. As said, by others, above, in a non-judgmental way. Hence using a professional and not "trying this at home" approach. Glad you are reaching out for some suggestions and open to finding a solution. She needs to be lovingly engaged in the solution to this challenge, as well. Its about the two of you. Don't take it all on yourself. Best, WD
Great responses! And a very common issue. People change. Relationships change. Why should our sex lives stay the same? There are key points in a relationship when we need to re-define sex and it sounds like you're reaching one of these milestones. Have you tried to have a constructive conversation with your wife about why sex is still important to you, and why you find her sexy. Maybe she doesn't feel sexy. Or perhaps she's depressed. You won't know until you ask, and as long as you approach the conversation from a loving place, I don't see why you shouldn't be able to have it.
All of the comments above hit the nail on the head! The most important one is to be non-judgmental in your conversation. (easier said than done). I too was having similar problems in my relationship and after tons of research on the subject of compatibility and desire and on how to exactly express myself in a non-threatening way, I found an incredible brief e-book on the web, entitled "I have One Question" The author, Hayden Dane makes a strong argument in this brief e-book about the way to achieve and sustain a lifetime filled with romance and compatibility. His book is thought provoking and has great self-help questions to soften the edges of that first stressful conversation. But best of all it gives the secrets on not just conversing with your mate, but manifesting your hearts desires.
Combining the ideas from this site, and Mr. Danes' thoughts on relationships, you will both finally enjoy a lifetime of physical and emotional romance. I sure did....