Partner Can't Keep Erection
I've been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months. We've been attempting to have a sexual relationship for the past 3. Before the clothes are off things are great. Well as soon as his clothes are off his erection goes away. We've managed to have sex once but without a finish as again, his erection goes away. Have not been able to try again since. Neither of us understands why.
He is very frustrated and worries that I will get impatient and leave him. That is not the case. I love him and will wait for as long as it takes and I've told him so. But I still don't understand why this happens and want to do whatever it takes to help.
Just a little background. He was a virgin before me, I've been with 4 others before him over a period of 12 years. He is a very self conscious person and even has trouble exploring me I think due to limited experience and him not wanting to hurt/scare/disappoint me. I've been reading a lot of forums on this topic but wouldn't mind hearing more opinions.
Thanks.
I suspect it’s in his head. When the opportunity arises rather than thinking of how sexy you are or the situation is he’s trying to will his penis hard. With such a fear of failure looming in his head the situation becomes less than sexy and he loses his erection.
It’s way easier said than done but he needs to find a way to get out of his own head during sex. Perhaps some intimate contact that’s not meant to lead to sex. Kissing, hugging, sensual massage etc. I suspect if he’s able to stop thinking about it for a few minutes the erection will come.
LAnna, sounds like classic "performance anxiety". Please make extra effort to communicate to him that you have the patience to see this through with him. I would suggest you employ a profession sex coach/sexologist/therapist who can work with you both, together as a couple and individually. This is too important a dynamic in your relationship to try and "fix this" yourselves. You seem really kind, patient, loving and caring. I don't sense you think this is in any way your "fault", of course. Questions: does he get and keep a firm erection during masturbation? How much porn does he consume, if any? Do you engage in mutual masturbation, oral on each other? A sex therapist can assign "homework" to help you prepare each other and do non-sexual excercises that can ramp up desire and help him "get out of his head" as Paul relates, above. This challenge does have a solution (pun intended). Access resources, including eBooks on this very site! Good luck and keep us informed and updated. WD
Are you able to give him oral sex, without the pressure of intercourse? Have you tried this? Just telling him that you want to pleasure him, and then he can take a turn pleasuring you (orally and manually). I'm just trying to think of an approach that would take the pressure off? Also, how old is your boyfriend. Is he fully erect when his clothes are on? Are you sure his issue isn't premature ejaculation, and that maybe he's so excited he's ejaculating before getting his clothes off? Just putting it out there--
Wow. A lot of responses here. Well first off, I too agree that this is all in his head. I have asked him about his masturbation and porn habits. He admitted that he does watch porn to masturbate and does so at least once a day. I suggested that he quit the porn for awhile and to try to masturbate at all. He said that he would give that a try. He was also going to try to see a therapist.
WD: I wouldn't mind seeing a sex therapist with him however my insurance does not cover mental health and it's not something that I can afford right now. You should also know that I reinforce my patience with him all the time.
IK: My BF is 26. I have tried oral only to have the same result. He has no erection problems by himself and when the clothes are on he is rock hard. As for mutual masturbation or having him please me...I have never tried mutual masturbation with anyone. I'm open to it but do have some reservations. I don't want to throw too much at him at once. Same goes for him giving me oral. I'm trying not to give him more pressure and I'm afraid that asking something of him like that may be too much right now. I can barely get him to touch me down there as it is. I's almost as if he has so much respect for me that he is afraid to try anything.
BTW, I noticed that you can share this post on Facebook?! Can that function be removed? I'm here anonymously but I really don't want this discussion to be available to social media so easily.
This sounds like classic anxiety. If you can create a situation with less pressure and just focus on physical sensation and pleasure, that would be helpful. Please check out my eBook that goes into detail about the causes of erectile difficulties.