Performance Anxiety is killing me
I’m a college student and I’ve been with my girlfriend for eight months. A few weeks ago I lost my erection while feeling stressed and ever since I’ve been dealing with constant anxiety about keeping it up. I read She Comes First by Ian Kerner. The idea that intercourse wasn’t the be all-end all of sexual pleasure came as such a relief. I hoped going down on her would let me stop worrying about my erection and eliminate the problem entirely. I tried putting the techniques into practice but she was bored. She told me I wasn’t doing anything wrong and that it felt good but that cunnilingus makes her feel disconnected and leaves her with her own thoughts. I know performance anxiety is common but each time it happens I feel worse and I sense her getting more nervous. I’m scared that it will keep building until I avoid sex entirely. When I’m not anxious I have no problem getting and maintaining an erection. I just don’t know how to turn my brain off. Please point me in the right direction.
Losing an erection every now and then is quite common regardless of age. What do you think is making you so nervous? Is it anything in particular? A glass of wine might help you relax as well. In terms of foreplay, try using oral sex to get her well into the process of arousal and then transition into the woman on top position. Even if you feel like you're starting to lose your erection, she will still be able to receive a lot of clitoral stimulation via your pubic bone. Has this happened before in previous relationships, or is there something about this one in particular? What do you think is causing you to lose your erection? The more sexual "warm up" you engage in, the stronger your erections will be. If the problem persists you could see a psychiatrist -- I'm curious to see what Dr. Madeleine Castellanos has to say. But before turning to any sort of prescription (whether an anti-anxiety med or erectile stimulant) best to explore other options.
She doesn't like her own thoughts during sex? That's interesting since women usually need to be completely free from distractions to focus on their own erotic thoughts to reach orgasm. But anyway, what you are describing is the classic way that anxiety interferes with arousal. You would benefit from recognizing this anxiety, and then redirecting your thoughts at that moment to what is erotic for you. The longer that you entertain anxious thoughts, the more power they have over your arousal. I agree with Ian that a prescription is not the way to go since every medication out there has side effects - and anti-anxiety medications are one of the worst offenders. If you find that you are unable to redirect your anxious thoughts to something pleasing like your girlfriend's body or enjoyable sensations, then brief work with a good therapist should help you resolve this. The best thing to do is continue the action with something you like and "think less."