Thanks for your reply and i appreciate you saying this will be difficult to navigate on my own. I'd say there are lots of reasons for my hesitation. She has been a financial strain on me for the past few years without a job. She has kids still living with her and combining households like she wants is not going to make me happy. I am becoming more and more attracted to other women. I'm bored, sexually and physically. She has recently become a grandmother and although that is special it seems thats mostly all she cares about. But im not ready to be a step grandpa im 42. lol. Not sure about a couples therapists, i think it would just end the relationship if she honestly new some of the things i was thinking. Anyway i know there are no easy answers. I suppose i am just venting.

Brother, I hear you. You are owning your sh*t. But you are wrapped up in guilt and have just begun to take the steps you need to. Reaching out here is a good first step. See a therapist, yourself, first. Session(s) with her comes later. You have built a wall around yourself. Time to dismantle that wall, with professional help. Just dumping her won't give you the sense of integrity you seek. You know that. Learning how to communicate with her, without blame, and how to protect your self is crucial, in my judgment. You focus on her failed relationships with men (father, husband, now you) so there's something about her that is part of the dynamic...or is there? Is your relationship less sexual, now. You seem swallowed up by her other relationships (kids, grandchild) and not getting enough alone time with her. A man's mind drifts to other possible relationships, sexual or other, in this situation. That's normal, not a sign you're messed up. Get professional help, as Ian says.