Feeling comfortable with aging and my husband going to strip clubs
Intellectually I get it. My husband likes relaxing and socializing with naked girls. Emotionally I can't get over it. I want to be understanding -- he's a retired firefighter, used to running on adrenalin, definitely bored -- but I feel threatened.
He took me to the club one night, and I was judgmental because some girls appeared to be under 18, or like they were on something, or bored. The men looked pathetic. The young men were in groups; the older ones were alone. There was touching -- the girls sitting in the patrons' laps. After questioning, he admitted he allowed the girls to sit in his lap while he talked to them, but he also tried to say it was like going to a coffee shop and just talking.
I still want to feel sexually attractive and wanted (I take good care of myself -- it's not a situation where I've let myself go). He says the club is a benefit to our marriage. I believe it, until my emotions get going. Our relationship is 36 with two grown daughters. Any suggestions?
Well it might be a stretch to say that this is like going to a coffee shop and just talking, it does sound like your husband is not doing this as a threat to your marriage. The strip club scenario you described is very typical of what a strip club is like. Him taking you there with him is a very good sign...it means that he wants the people there to know that he does have a wife who is "cool" with his presence at the strip club. However, the fact that you are emotionally uncomfortable with it is important, and he should respect that.
Could you suggest some other things to get his adrenaline pumping? A new hobby that isn't threatening to you? You could sign him up for lessons of some kind - scuba diving, rock climbing?
How is your sex life? That could be an area where you could inject some adventure that may make him choose to stay home with you for fun to curb the boredom. Tell him that you want to feel wanted.
No matter what, your husband should respect that you feel threatened.
The thing is, I was okay with it when I didn't know there was touching involved. I know men are visual, but the touching part feels like adultery. We've talked extensively about this, and it's complicated because he had some sexual issues and he suffered from depression and it was a counselor that suggested he go. He stopped going for a long time, but he feels like there is no place to just go and jabber (he loves talking), and I feel for him, so now he goes back on occasion. He used to tell me funny stories about his adventures there and he's shown my photo to the girls and told them I was okay about it (that was before), but now we are both circumspect. I feel like I've tipped the balance. Of course, I want my husband not to be depressed, to find people that don't care if he talks non-stop, and to feel like he has places to go to blow off steam. It's also about accepting that we are aging and I can't stop that from happening. How do we find that balance? Thanks for responding.