feeling betrayed about no cunnilingus - a deal breaker?
Hi there-my most truly amazing boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. Amazing. But we are sexually incompatible. And now I feel like he's been lying to me by not being honest with me from the start.
I have genital herpes, which I revealed to him quickly. I mentioned to him that he would have to use a dental dam to make sure that he had the best protection (along w suppressive meds I take). I also told him from the start that I love sex and could have sex easily every couple of days. His sex drive and interest are very low. So we adapted...
But tonight, I realized that cunnilingus will probably never happen. I asked him if personal odor was the reason why he did not like oral sex. He said he did not know. It made me realize that he does not like going down on women. I feel like he lied to me for all the time we have been together and I am quite hurt and angry. I don't know if I can have a long term relationship with a man who cannot love his girlfriend's vulva.
I guess you have to decide how important this is to you. As a man who enjoys performing oral (or I should say used to enjoy), I have been married to a woman for almost 30 years who does not enjoy receiving oral. Yes, it has caused some unhappy feelings and conversations with hurt feelings, but the rest of our sex life is pretty good. It could always be better, and I am always looking for ways to improve it. However, in the grand scheme of things, me not performing oral on her is not that important to me. You just need to decide if you can live without that. If you are one of those women who seem to only be able to orgasm by oral, then I would understand that this would be a deal breaker.
Really great advice from 'wantsmore'. It is super important for you to evaluate how important this is to you. It would also be good to talk to him about it outside of the context of sex - maybe it is the herpes he is concerned about? Maybe it is the latex? Has he told you he used to like giving oral sex?
I'd also like to add that I've done some research in the area of sexual compatibility. What we found was that your perception of whether you were compatible was more important to satisfaction than compatibility of sexual preferences (such as one of you liking oral and the other not). That research was conducted in a younger sample (mean age 23ish) in relationships of a mean length of 3 years...so I wouldn't generalize beyond that sample. But I do think that it is valuable to know that not being sexually compatible in terms of what you like isn't always going to impact sexual or relationship satisfaction, especially if you perceive yourselves to be compatible.