Update one: something interesting happened. A few mornings after our sex ban was put in place, my man wanted sex! Spontaneous erection, holding me against him, even telling me that he was horny. A MIRACLE! I was so stoked that I wanted to go and tip the counsellor :) Instead I cuddled and stroked him, and then excused myself to go and make breakfast, leaving him to some happy self time. Of course I don't know yet how often this will be repeated, but the important thing is that it was different - he wanted sex, and he initiated the idea of sex. I felt so good about that I didn't even need to have it! I think the important thing for him is that he KNOWS that sex won't be expected, and he won't feel that he has to start or continue if he doesn't want to, which I think removes a 'blockage' to enjoying it. I've never put overt pressure on, but he's a perceptive man, so he feels my (desperation?) anyway. At first I wasn't so keen on our homework, but this is worth every dollar - WOOOHOH!

Update two: We're two counselling sessions down. Mixed results so far. Still on a 'no sex' prescription, but after the next session then everything apart from penetrative sex and orgasms will be allowed. The counsellor talked to us separately last time, which was good because I was able to share some more open minded observations about what I see happening. This week my partner told me he isn't sure its all working. It also became clear that he is 'building up' frustrations with me quite regularly, about small things, which I think is a big part of the picture. He is always more interested when he spends time away from me, which I now think is largely because he hasn't been able to get frustrated with me! While learning these things is tough, I still feel a lot better that HE is thinking about this as well as me, and that we are making some sort of progress. My prescription has certainly helped me - I am devoting less time to worrying/problem solving, and more to just experiencing.

Update 3: after the third session. Counselling went well, we are more open about what we're saying to the psychologist. Homework was to spend one week on romance (massages etc), then one on "sexual intimacy" without orgasm or penetration, then after that, whatever we want. However, I am feeling pretty angry today. My partner took a flying leap past those phases and tried to initiate oral sex (as in, me giving it to him), and when I indicated that I didn't want things to go that way, he masturbated. I said that it probably wasn't what the counsellor meant, so he suggested I go and and make myself some coffee (which is what I was doing before the attempted launch of oral sex). Now, in the context of a healthy, giving, generous sexual relationship I wouldn't mind any of that, but right now, in my view, we have less than 0 on a scale of 1 to 10 in the way of sexual intimacy. I told him I want to do the homework, and he then agreed, but I am still feeling hurt/ignored/angry.

Ok, so I've been talking all about my experience (which i find therapuetic!) but now I actually do have a question. Has anyone been to a counsellor who specifically and explicitly addresses sex? Ours uses the term "sexual intimacy", and will sometimes be more explicit in saying "no orgasm or penetration", but this leaves me wondering if she is really just counseling us in general relationship terms, when we might actually benefit from some counseling specifically about our sexual relationship. They are of course related, but clearly not the same thing (since one appears to be doing fine apart from the negative influences of the other!). Has anyone had more success with a sex counsellor, rather than a general relationship counsellor?

Thanks Ian. I'm not in the US, but happily things have now improved, so not feeling the need to find a new counsellor. It's hard to explain what changed - we somehow both found part of our solutions. I read a book he bought (the happiness trap) which is really working for me. Counsellors had begun to use the same approach with me, but I got SO much more out of reading the book and understanding it fully myself - and it's so much cheaper! He has been reading a more spiritual book about mindfulness, and somewhere along the line became more relaxed, appreciative and affectionate. The combined effect has been great. Still work to go on sex I think, but now we seem to have a base to work from. Hurray!