married but havent had sex
Hi.. Ive been married for 2 months for my bf of 5 years but we havent had sex.. i was thinking were not sexually compatible but i love my husband..i want to make things work for both of us. we were both virgins in early 30s. we tried but it cause me pain a lot (i have a very low pain tolerance) aside from the fact that i dont get arouse. initially he tried to insert his penis, but it was painfull. we bought a lubricant and tried with his finger but only an inch was inserted because it makes uncomfortable.. what shall i do? i was thinking if i just have a high expectation because of what i read from the books and now i havent feeling any of it.. hope you could help us.. will appreciate your thoughts. thank you..
Have you seen a doctor about your problem? Losing your virginity is painful, and sex (at least for me) was painful for me the first 5 times but then got better. Does he do a lot of foreplay, like playing with your clit? You should be very turned on before attempting intercourse. Is your husband knowledgable about female sexuality? Maybe you could buy some e-books on this site for him to read.
Sex doesn't have to be about penetration. Try having sex without penetration. Kissing, touching, stroking, caressing etc. Both of you can be made to feel good without penetration. You can even bring each other to orgasm this way.
I'm thinking once you become more relaxed and comfortable with the sexual contact you may find yourself craving penetration. If not though you are still bonding in a physical way.
I want to make sure and let you know that it is not always painful for women when they lose their virginity and anyone who tells you that it is definitely the case is misinformed. It will be very uncomfortable if you are not aroused, however, and anxiety directly interferes with your ability to get aroused. You may be inadvertently causing muscle tension due to anxiety which is making impossible to have penetration. At this stage in the game, it is important to be able to relax and just focus on being connected and aroused with your husband. If you are not able to do that, I suggest that you see a sex therapist to work with you to decrease this anxiety and allow you to get aroused with your husband naturally. Sometime just taking sex off the table and focusing just on kissing and touching can decrease anxiety and help you find your arousal.