Sexual problems and porn
My husband & I have been married for 7 years. I recently found hidden porn. He knows I don't like it & that it makes me feel like I am not enough to satisfy him but he insists that's not the case. For about a year now he has had problems ejaculating during sex and this has only furthered my insecurities. My sex drive has significantly decreased over the last couple of years. I have addressed this with my doctor and there is no hormone imbalance. I like to have sex 2 - 3 times a week but he says that's not enough. Once I found the DVDs he became angry, told me that he gets physical and emotional satisfaction from them, he has always watched it & won't stop, it has done more for our marriage than I can imagine, & only hid it & lied about out of respect for me yet still wants me to have sex with him whenever he wants it & gets mad when I won't. I feel our problems are related to porn directly & indirectly. Am I being overly dramatic or could this be true? Is it possible he prefers porn?
You're definately not alone in feeling insecure about your husband viewing porn. Read a few of the questions posted here and you will see it's one of the most common threads.
I don't believe your husband prefers porn to you. It would be like saying a person prefers candy to steak. A person can crave both but neither one makes a particularly good substitute for the other.
I don't know what the solution is. Obviously you both need to feel respected in your relationship. I think it's something you need to discuss in a respectful way and come to some kind of compromise.
I love Paul's answer - "It would be like saying a person prefers candy to steak." I agree.
Porn produces a strong visual stimuli which is difficult to ignore because our brains are primed to pay strong attention to visual stimuli. He does indeed get satisfaction from it because it gives him a release of chemicals that is pleasing. Trouble is, for many people, porn can end up ruining their ability to respond similarly with their partners and men can develop delayed ejaculation because of it. If your gut is telling you that porn is a problem, you are probably right. But unless he understands that it is a problem, he probably won't change his behavior. I usually recommend clients stay away from all porn for at least 3 months before they start getting results. This takes a lot of discipline on their part, especially if they have been using it for years and years.
The best way to bring it up is to focus on how it impacts him - delayed ejaculation. He won't change what doesn't bother him.
You say your are married seven years, and your sex drive has significantly decreased and you only like to have sex 2 - 3 times a week.
There is NOTHING wrong with you. Most of us husbands at this stage in a marriage (especially with kids) are pulling our hair out over wives that only want to have sex only 2-3 times..... a month. Or that certain acts have been halted by our wives.
The only things I can think of that might be on your side might if it has gotten a bit routine or simplified.
Most guys watch porn. It is the male equivalent of a woman having a vibrator/BOB/dildo/etc in their sock drawer. Nothing more - usually.
However, anything becomes and addiction and a problem when it takes away from something normal and healthy in the life of those involved. In this case since your husband is having trouble completing and functioning normally during sex with you - then it is a problem he needs to solve.