boyfriend can't climax with me
I'm female, 32, in my first relationship EVER. My guy is 28. We're both healthy and fit and have high sex drives. Sometimes we'll hang out for two days straight and have sex 6-8 times, 20-40 minutes a go. We both really enjoy it, I'm learning a lot (including that I am one of those lucky women who can orgasm [repeatedly] from penetration) but even when having sex so much, my boyfriend very rarely climaxes. He says he's enjoying it anyway and tells me not to worry. He says he's desensitized from using porn and paper towels when he masturbates (and it doesn't really bother me that he does so). A few times he has orgasmed, when we make the extra effort of doing roleplay or such, but I orgasm so much, and I know it isn't really my fault, but I want him to climax, too. I've tried giving him oral, but I'm working against a strong gag reflex in learning to deep throat. He also climaxed the one time we tried anal, but I bled, so we're wary of trying again. Any suggestions? How can I help him?
Everybody's orgasm is their own responsibility (not that of their partners). If he is having difficulty reaching orgasm as a result of desensitizing himself by watching porn or masturbating more roughly than penetration can provide, then the help is not going to come from you. In order for this to change, he needs to stay away from porn (cold turkey for the first few months - then decrease his exposure to more balanced levels) and also use a much more gentle style of masturbating. This is often difficult for guys when starting out because it can get quite frustrating, but it is very effective.
Meanwhile, do not feel guilty at all for having your multiple and frequent orgasms. That is your pleasure and adds to your vitality. That should be independent of his ability to peak. Every person is responsible for their own orgasm (keeping themselves relaxed, healthy, and not desensitized).
Thank you for your advice. I did talk with him some more about how he can relearn to orgasm with a real person. He acknowledged that he he thinks I'm correct, but didn't give indication that he will take any steps to do it. I'm new to sex, still, but I'm trying to do the best I can to communicate what I like, ask what he likes, do what he likes, but actually, he will be transferred to a different country in October, so we both know this is a short-term relationship. Perhaps it's not worth it to him to make all that effort to change.
I am sorry but I have to ask a follow up to the expert's advice "that everyone is responsible for their own orgasm".
Men are very happy, in my experience, to get their own pleasure one way or another. And this can lead to them virtually ignoring the woman. Not the case in this letter writer's experience, but yet very common. Don't you think it is a mutual responsiblity in a loving relationship, or any sexual play, to focus on both parties enjoying themselves? It seems you're telling me, who has a SO who could pay more attention to me, to just tough it out and self mastrubate. If I am going to pleasure myself, what the heck do I need a guy for? Yes, tell him what you need, got that. But your partner needs to have some attention and focus on you, no? If not it's just 2 narcistic people only concerned with themselves naked together with no giving. I don't understand your advice, let's assume. Mechanically, I can't do for myself what another person of the male gender can do.