loss of interest in intimacy
My husband and I have been married for almost 34 years. We were passionately inlove and I was sure we were sole mates. Approximately five years ago, problems with our son still being at home, financial problems that led to the foreclosure of our second home and our having to refinance our primary home, which was paid for, led to increased arguments and hurt feelings. In addition, my husband had unaddressed health problems that all but ended our good sex life. We grew further apart and after a while he said he thought he would prefer to live alone and may not be inlove with me anymore. Insisted we give it a try to fix things, we agree, then I found letters from a woman to him, he says they never had sex, but he was curious as to where things could go with her, had talked to her about us but will not talk to me. Now, two years later, much better but no intimacy. Does not want to touch. Viagra makes him dizzy, does not like to take it. How do I get intimacy, sex & closeness back?
If I could offer a perspective from a mans point of view, I think boredom and taking each other for granted can lead to problems. You also mentioned a possible affair your husband had. I dont know what to say about that. However, I think all of us have had financial troubles in during our lifetime. My wife and I are no different. We also have an adult daughter that has severe mental health issues that seems to drive a wedge between us. She doesnt live with us and thank God for that. I think it is really a matter of how we recover and bounce back from problems that makes us strong. Relationship issues can symptomize in the bedroom. If you have a chance go see the new movie "Hope Springs" It is about a couple married 31 years that have fallen apart and into a routine. It will make you laugh and also cry if you identify with the characters. My wife and I had some good discussions after we seen it. I think it is similar to mirror of our own lives or what could happen.
I think your husband might be a good candidate for therapy, as it sounds like he could be suffering from depression, which is extremely debilitating and would definitely affect his libido and desire for intimacy. It also sounds like he had what would be considered an "emotional affair" with this other woman, as he discussed intimate details of his relationship with you and what he was feeling with this other woman, but would not confide in you. Even if there wasn't any physical contact, I can understand your distress. It sounds like things are financially difficult, but that doesn't mean you can't find inexpensive sources of counseling.
Thank you for the response. Since I posted my comment, we had an argument where he told me he just did not want me anymore. After hearing that, I told him he should leave. He has been sleeping on the sofa bed. He seems as if he would be perfectly happy to live as roommates, but I am not. I have expressed to him that he cannot remain on the sofa. However, I am not crying or begging to know why he no longer wants me. I have thought he needed therapy for a long time, but that will never happen. I tried to get him to go to counseling when we first started having problems. I am going to try to be patient for another week to see if he spoke out of frustration or anger and did not mean he no longer desired me, but if no chance soon, I will pack him up and change the locks so he will have to move out. Thank you for your responses and open to any suggestions. I do still love him but he does not want to hear that. AT A LOSS