Sex After Infidelty
My husband had an eight-month affair that I discovered three years ago. At first, he was belligerent about it and said many hurtful things, particularly about how great his mistress was in bed and that I didn't measure up. We decided to work on our marriage and with some therapy he has become contrite and worked very hard to make amends. However, he did a lot of emotional damage that I still have not overcome entirely. He thinks it's ben long enough and that I should be over it. I don't dwell on it but it still causes me pain to think about that time. In any event our sex life seems fine but I have an overriding feeling of inadequacy and I don't even want to try anymore. He says he doesn't think about her and he just said those things to be mean. I feel like I'm just being cajoled and he's just saying those things to make me feel better. How can I get my confidence back?
What you're going through is completely normal given the trauma you suffered as a result of your husband's infidelity, as well as his remarks in the wake of your discovery. It's not up to your husband decide when enough time has passed, and I would encourage to continue with counseling even if you feel like things are much better. Let me also say that it's to be commended that you're working to re-initiate intimacy and it's only natural that your self-esteem would have taken a blow. You might want to try "sensate focus" exercises in which you take sex off the table, and focus on slowly building up to it again by taking turns in the role of giver and receiver. Also, the more you allow time to heal your wounds and focus on the relationship with your bedroom outside the bedroom the more confidence you will likely have in the bedroom. Best of luck!
I think that the two of you should lay everything out. Ask him what made her "better".
From this site and plenty of others, you can up your technique, learn new stuff and leave him feeling like a noodle.
I've been where you are and you can get over this.