Coming Clean about Infidelity

After an affair is discovered, betrayed partners often want to know everything--from start to finish--about a partner's infidelity. It can feel overwhelming to the partner who strayed to answer questions and provide details that are only going to create more hurt and anger.

However, a person who commits any kind of infidelity owes it to their partner to be honest and upfront about the relationship. A quick, no-nonsense admission is the best move you can make for your relationship. Attempting to minimize, hide or slowly reveal the truth of an affair will do further damage to your relationship, perhaps irreparably.

Come clean about the affair by detailing:


• When it started.

• Who initiated.

• Whether it turned sexual.

• What communication was shared, whether texting, emails, calls or letters.

• What lies of omission you told: Have you been sharing lunches or late nights at the office with this person? Do you communicate with this person when you say you are working on the computer late at night?

• What lies of commission you told: Did you fabricate any stories to be with this person? Did you say a purchase was for one thing, when it was really a gift?
• Have you ended the affair or do you plan to?

Emotions often run wild after an affair has been disclosed or discovered. Many people describe the feeling as unreal--as if they are living someone else's life, since so much is called into question after a partner has been unfaithful.

In the immediate days and weeks after learning of a partner's infidelity, a betrayed partner may go numb or may recover quickly, depending on the details of the relationship. More commonly, betrayed partners feel:

• Extreme anxiety and/or panic
• Depression (including sleep and appetite changes)
• Anger

• Sadness
• Fear of losing your partner

• The desire to divorce or leave your partner

• Rapidly shifting emotions

• Obsessive thinking about the affair

• Increase in sexual desire for your partner

• Disgust at the prospect of sex with your partner

• Lack of trust

Though these emotions can feel powerful and overwhelming, it's important to know that they will subside with time. Avoid making any rash decisions in the first couple of weeks after learning of a partner's infidelity. Also, try to resist saying harsh words you'll regret. You'll benefit from a calmer perspective once the initial shock has worn off, then both of you can decide what--if anything--the future holds for your relationship.