The Doctor is In!

Bored in the Bedroom

By Good in Bed on Jul 28, 2010 at 8:29 PM

People change. Relationships change. Why should your sex life stay the same? Falling into a routine is natural, but what do you do when sexual boredom starts to settle in?

9 replies

Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT | Jul 28, 2010 at 8:45 PM | Reply | Report

I believe that the brain is the biggest sex organ, and after you've had sex with the same person for a zillion times it's not the physical connection that matters as much as the mental connection. I have a little trick: sometimes I'll wake up and tell my wife that I had a sexy dream about her -- (even though I never actually remember my dreams.) Most of the time she'll ask me for details and that's when I'll fill in the blanks with an outlandish fantasy. Hey, blame it on my unconscious, but just talking about a fantasy (forget acting it out) is enough get things going and add some anticipation to the day.

Gail Saltz, M.D. | Jul 29, 2010 at 8:24 AM | Reply | Report

It is boring to do the same thing all the time, but it is also comfortable and that is why its hard to break out. Trying something new takes risking being alittle self conscious and vulnerable to how you will feel if it doesn't quite work out. But this bravery truly pays off in that it generates new excitment. So propose a new position (its easy to research for ideas), buy a new toy,have sex at a different time of day, even do it in a new room. Try reading a little erotica to one another, watching a very sexy movie (which need not be porn, or it could)beforehand, say something alittle naughty if you are usually quiet. Really even alittle something new spices things up.
I agree with Ian, anticipation revs the brain for increased excitment. I like his little trick, but you could also send a text or email in the middle of the day "Can't wait for tonight!" or send surprise note for them to discover of what specifically you are looking forward to.

Belisa Vranich | Jul 29, 2010 at 9:41 AM | Reply | Report

Consistency in sex is good (as in consistently good sex!) but monotony isn't! One of the easiest things to do is to change the amount of noise you are making; take things up a notch. Even if you aren't a big talker, putting some "oomph" into your vocalizations can make things more exciting, even if the mechanics are the same. Research supports this -- well, at least research with primates. Female monkeys often utter loud, distinctive calls before, during or after sex. To see if yelling resulted from how vigorous the sex was, the scientists counted the number of pelvic thrusts males gave and timed when they happened. They found when shouting occurred, thrusting increased. In other words, vocalizations led to more vigorous sex. Now if we could only figure out what they were hollering :)

Anna Potter | Jul 29, 2010 at 10:07 AM | Reply | Report

I think it's important to have a life that never gets boring--if I start to find myself getting bored in life, I feel bored in all facets of my life: my work, school, friends, social life, relationships, sex, you name it. So, having a fun, fascinating, and entertaining life OUTSIDE of the bedroom (alone AND with your partner[s]) is key, I think, to staying adventurous in the bedroom!

Kristen Mark, Ph.D. | Jul 29, 2010 at 10:12 AM | Reply | Report

Sexual boredom is certainly a problem for many couples in long term relationships. Most of the time, this boredom sets in after being together for a while. Once you've been together for a while though, you're usually quite comfortable with one another, which lends itself well to experimentation in the sexual domain. The suggestions provided by Ian and Gail are related to this idea of experimentation. Get creative and take advantage of the fact that you have a level of comfort with your partner that takes time to develop!

shelley | Jul 29, 2010 at 11:32 AM | Reply | Report

This is a great topic!

I change things up by taking the lead at times. My husband goes wild. We also bring in new toys, lingerie, or try something new all together. I think making an effort not to do the same old thing is what really matters. Sometimes we try new things and they aren't great but it is fun trying and makes us appreciate the routines we have developed over the years.

We recently started up a private email account where we send sexy emails to one another. It's fun to log on to see if there is something there or read old discussions. It's a nice way to stay connected even while we aren't together.

Ed Ratush | Jul 29, 2010 at 12:08 PM | Reply | Report

Sometimes you can do the same thing and have it feel different just by changing the meaning of the act being done. Dirty thinking is a gift that we can employ without too much trouble or cooperation from any one else. A perverted thought on its own or a dirty scenario (that only lives in our minds) can transform the mundane into a novel sexual experience.

Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT | Jul 29, 2010 at 8:10 PM | Reply | Report

I think Belisa made an interesting point about consistency being good, but not monotony. I think sometimes we tend to over-emphasize novelty. It seems like the simple thing to say, and especially in our age of Internet porn, it seems like there's more pressure than ever to swing from the chandeliers -- but Ed is right: you can do the same thing physically, but bring a new mental context to it. In the end an orgasm is an orgasm, and when we think back on some of the sexier experiences we had in life, what we're usually remembering is the person and the context, not so much the actual sex itself.

Heidi Raykeil | Jul 30, 2010 at 1:01 PM | Reply | Report

I agree that the mental connection is a key to keeping things hot. Being mildly distracted, or having sex because we "should" leads to boring sex. But when my husband and I are connecting, open, and we can really feel the "want" in each other, then great sex just seems to come (no pun intended!). It's at that point that knowing each other so well becomes a plus rather than a minus. Because we know how to please each other, and we are so comfortable we're not embarrassed to try new things (although honestly, most of the hottest sex we have is not about new things).

I am also a big fan of role play and fantasy to add novelty. And it doesn't have to be a big production or a super self-conscious thing. It can be as easy as watching a sexy show (I like the grown-up vampire show "True Blood") together, and letting your mind drift back to sexy scenes or characters while you're in bed. Don't be afraid to nibble that neck!

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