The Doctor is In!


By PrettyInvested on Sep 9, 2010 at 4:44 PM

I'm 26 and I've been with my husband for 12 years. He was my first and is my only. Lately, I've been wondering what it would be like to be with another man. Is this normal? Should I act on it...I dont want to wonder for the rest of my life if it could be better. I've never had an orgasm and just want to experience great sex.

11 replies

Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT | Sep 9, 2010 at 9:42 PM | Reply | Report

Have you tried to have an orgasm on your own? Masturbation is an important way to get in touch with your process of sexual response. Once you can have orgasms on your own, it will be easier for you to give your husband constructive feedback about how to have an orgasm when you're together, and if you're wondering what it would be like to be with another man, enjoy the power of fantasy.

Kristen Mark, Ph.D. | Sep 9, 2010 at 9:53 PM | Reply | Report

I agree with Ian. Exploring your body on your own is an incredibly important precursor to having great sex with a partner. How can you tell your husband what you like if you don't even know yourself? Perhaps having an orgasm on your own and connecting with yourself sexually will fulfill the urge you are feeling to be with another man.

Paul | Sep 9, 2010 at 10:33 PM | Reply | Report

Unless somehow your husband agreed to it beforehand I strongly urge against acting on your curiousity. The emotional risk to you, your husband and the third party far exceeds any possible gain.

Heidi Raykeil | Sep 10, 2010 at 12:21 AM | Reply | Report

I think it's totally normal. I have been with more than my fair share of men and I still wonder what it would be like to be with someone other than my husband! Fantasy men are fantastic, flawless lovers (And they don't forget to buy you flowers or take the garbage out). But a real partner can be great, too, especially if, as the other experts have said, you can help direct him a little. Sometimes I feel sorry for guys because too often we assume they know what they're doing. But even if they've had sex a bunch, they still might be clueless. I'd say really get to know the real before you head out looking to fulfill a fantasy. It sounds to me like you have some fun exploration to begin, apart...and together. Enjoy! (and get Emily's guide on Female Orgasm!

Manspeak | Sep 10, 2010 at 10:01 AM | Reply | Report

Heidi-that noise that I hear is the ice cracking under another marriage. If a married person desires sex outside of marriage-then get out of the marriage BEFORE you act on it.

Prettyinvested-I have been married almost 49 years and my wife is my first and only. The problem you are experiencing centers around you not experiencing an orgasm. What is wrong with your husband? That is his responsibility to see that you DO have an orgasm every time that he expects to have a climax. I see that my wife experiences an orgasm every time that we are having sex (2-3 times a week) and that happens BEORE I experience a climax. Your husband needs to get some smarts on how to please you into an orgasm and needs to do that real soon. Masturbation may work for some but that does not correct the problem: selfish, lazy men who only think of themselves. I wish you success with this challenge.

Heidi Raykeil | Sep 12, 2010 at 11:29 PM | Reply | Report

Just to clarify, I don't desire to have sex outside my marriage, fantasy is simply a fun part of sex for both my husband and me inside of our marriage. We are very open with each other about it. Perhaps if I were frequently harboring feelings for a real person whom I saw regularly and was withholding that info from my husband, that would be another story and certainly something to watch out for. Besides, I don't think Bad Pitt is very available to act on anything with me these days... ; )

Anna Potter | Sep 10, 2010 at 11:03 AM | Reply | Report

Manspeak, I don't think there's anything wrong with having fantasies of being with other people. It doesn't mean that a person loves his or her partner any less.

Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT | Sep 10, 2010 at 12:56 PM | Reply | Report

This sounds like a situation in which a couple married at an extremely young age, without a lot of previous sexual experience. It's certainly not too late to explore your sexuality and sexual imagination individually, as well as to start communicating with your husband about the sex you'd like to be having. Manspeak, I understand the sentiment that a man should care about his wife's sexual response, but that requires a foundation of communication and information. For example, I know many women who consistently fake orgasm and their husbands believe that they are great lovers, with sexually satisfied partners. Constructive, honest feedback is the key.

Paul | Sep 10, 2010 at 7:56 PM | Reply | Report

I don't think there is anything wrong with the fantasies. I see lots of women who I can't help wondering what it would be like to be with.

By the same token if my partner spotted someone that got her going and came home to expend that sexual energy on me I certainly wouldn't have a problem with it.

However acting on that curiousity is something that quite simply can't be undone. The reality is likely to fall short of the fantasy and at the same time potentially hurt someone deeply.

Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT | Sep 10, 2010 at 11:48 PM | Reply | Report

Yes, many fantasies are inherently taboo -- that's part of what makes them fantasies -- fantasies are valuable in that sense in that if we accept them and share them, and don't judge ourselves or our partners for having them, we have a better chance of not acting them out.

Lola | Sep 11, 2010 at 2:37 PM | Reply | Report

one thing I learned from trying to make up for lack of experience in my 30s is that it's not number. i have other issues as well with my body shutting down but one thing I did need to figure out is what I liked as Ian said. I do understand your frustration about enjoying sex. I am unfortunately in the same boat (including trying positions) but already went the quantity approach and it didn't help.

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