The Doctor is In!

Shy About Masturbation and Toys

By ItsForReal on Nov 9, 2010 at 4:07 PM

I have what I would consider a fairly good sexual relationship with my wife of many years although the frequency of sexual relations with her could be more frequent. When she is able to forget the stresses of life, she is able to enjoy intercourse and have orgasms. However, there are many times she says she doesn't think she can get there and she will just take care of me (which I appreciate). I would like to be able to help her get there and have suggested masturbating her with my hand or using a vibrator. She is reluctant to let me use a vibrator or anything else to relieve tension and reach orgasm. How can I get her to be more receptive to this idea?

3 replies

Amy Levine | Nov 11, 2010 at 5:45 PM | Reply | Report

It may simply be that she's exhausted and wants to please you and get to work, take care of the next item on the to-do list (this sounds terrible in this context, but it's true for a lot of women), or go to sleep. She may view her pleasure and orgasm as needing to exert to much energy to reach, and instead chooses to take the easy way out. Or, it may be she doesn't want to be the focus of attention--even though it's awesome that you want to make her feel good. The only way you'll know if it's this or something else, is to ask. You can also buy her a small toy like the bullet, and incorporate it into your sack sessions, so that you both feel the buzz. Perhaps if she's experiencing the feel-good sensation (that's making you feel good too), she'll change her mind and let you use it on her clitoris--as stimulating the clit is surefire hot spot for many women.

Madeleine Castellanos, M.D. | Nov 11, 2010 at 11:29 PM | Reply | Report

She may be trying to communicate something to you. Instead of being focused on orgasm, ask her if there is anything you can do for her - I mean anything! It might not even be sexual, like dishes, vacuum, laundry, watch the kids. Let her really know that it's about giving to her on her terms. Instead of being focused on orgasm. ask her what you can both do together that would give her pleasure. Then, really listen to her answer. There was a study that showed when men help their wives around the house, they get sex more often. It is not because women get turned on by watching their husbands do housework, but because this freed them up and gave them more time to relax, recharge, and feel sexy.

Kristen Mark, Ph.D. | Nov 29, 2010 at 7:38 PM | Reply | Report

The ideas suggested above are really great, and hopefully you'll be able to communicate with her and figure out what's going on. Once you get communicating, you could surprise her with something that K-Y makes that might help--it's called Intense and it is supposed to improve climax. K-Y even went so far as to have studies done using the gel--75% of women reported higher arousal, sensitivity, and pleasure, and 90% of those women said using it improved their overall experience. Keep that communication open, and good luck!

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