The Doctor is In!

Bi Sexual Feelings

By Travis on Jan 5, 2011 at 5:49 AM

I am in my mid forties married to my wife for more than fifteen years. For the past two years I have started watching gay porn and seem to enjoy it. I am attracted to the male genitals and have also experimented with married guys on business trip.

I wanted to know whether I am bisexual. Does bisexuality exists or is it more gay and heterosexual. This has affected my performance with my wife. Our sexual frequency has reduced.

I have not been interested with anal sex with guys, but mostly like seeing guys who are sexy naked.

22 replies

Kristen Mark, Ph.D. | Jan 5, 2011 at 10:49 AM | Reply | Report

Bisexuality absolutely exists. I like to think of sexual identity orientation on a continuum rather than as a dichotomous construct. I like the way the Kinsey Scale defines orientation, with 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual) and 3, in the middle, serving as the bisexual orientation.

Others have modified the Kinsey Scale to include three dimensions: emotional, sexual, and cognitive. So, you can rank very differently on the scale in terms of who you are attracted to emotionally, physically, and mentally. I like this format of the scale because it acknowledges that our fantasy and behavior may be different, or that we may fall in love with one gender, but desire sex with another.

Have you talked to your wife about this? I'm sure she has noticed that your performance and interest in sex with her has decreased.

Also, know that not all gay or bisexual men enjoy or engage in anal sex. Anal sex is just one act of many...some enjoy it, others don't.

OhioGirl | Jan 19, 2011 at 11:03 AM | Reply | Report

How come none of the so-called "experts" here have warned this guy that sex with male strangers can have serious health repercussions for his wife in the form of AIDS or other STDs? That not telling her is not only cheating but dangerous to her?

handyguy54 | Jan 21, 2011 at 9:05 PM | Reply | Report

Very good point OhioGirl...bisexuality is *not* an excuse to engage in potentially dangerous behavior for yourself and puts your wife at risk; he's just being an selfish, inconsiderate clod *at best*. I say all this as a *real* man that may be truly bisexual.

Travis | Jan 5, 2011 at 11:51 AM | Reply | Report

No I have not talked to my wife about this. I dont think she will understand. I would like this side of sexuality hidden. Dont want to ruin our marriage and affect the kids. I like the straight married guy lifestyle.

Saying that I am attracted to gay porn. I have been monogamous all my life but lately been playing with married guys , just safe stuff. I was surprised to see so many masculine married guys who would like to have some fun with other guys.

One other note my testosterone level is bit low, it has always been on the low side (around 400). Would this affect my sex drive and bisexual thoughts.

Kristen Mark, Ph.D. | Jan 5, 2011 at 11:57 AM | Reply | Report

My concern with you not telling your wife would be that if there were ever a way she would find out, it would likely hurt her much more than telling her this now. That's not to say that I suggest telling her, because I don't. Just be sure to evaluate all potential outcomes of your behavior.

As for the testosterone, it shouldn't impact who you desire sexually, though it does impact male desire in general in a fairly substantial way. There are treatments available, so seeing your physician letting them know it impacts your desire might be helpful.

Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT | Jan 5, 2011 at 6:45 PM | Reply | Report

Kristen makes so many insightful points -- do you feel like you're entering a new phase of your life? As Kristen said, bisexuality is definitely real, but only you would know to what extent you either have or have not been living your life truthfully. Some people are completely comfortable with their bisexuality, others are really more oriented one way or the other but are not comfortable with the implications of their sexual identity. This process of knowing yourself might well be something you want to work on with a therapist. Personally, I'm not as concerned about the porn, but exploring your sexuality with other men, and without your wife's knowledge, is infidelity, and your wife would have every right to feel extremely upset, perhaps not so much with your bisexuality, but with the actions you are taking in secret.

Amy Levine | Jan 5, 2011 at 8:35 PM | Reply | Report

I totally agree with Kristen and Ian. Additionally, a lot of men are on the down low and may choose not to label themselves as hetero-, bi- or homosexual.

There are men that may have known earlier in their life that they are gay or bi and choose to have the "straight married guy lifestyle." It works for a while and then something may click that it no longer works, or works by incorporating elements of same sex thoughts, behaviors, etc. I'm curious about how you view sex with your wife. Stereotypically, men that are bi are interested in both genders. Could it be that men interest you more sexually and/or otherwise?

If you want to be with your wife and choose to be faithful, perhaps using fantasy and incorporating porn into your sex life together may satisfy your same sex desire until you may choose to change the status of your relationship or state your needs to your wife. Just some thoughts, you know what's best for your situation.

Travis | Jan 6, 2011 at 11:21 AM | Reply | Report

I know what I am doing is wrong. I was happy with the regular sex with my wife. With age and being married for long time, the excitement for sex has diminished. Also easy access to Internet and websites like craigslist had made it possible to try different things. I had never watched gay porn until I accessed last year on internet. Also I found out that there are many Yahoo Groups which bi married guys use for fun with other guys (Men Seeking Men in Craigslist).

I wanted to try while I am not too old and regret not doing this when I have these feelings. It is sad that society looks down on same sex attraction. I wish we were more open to male male intimacy.

I have never cheated on my wife with other women. But I do not the male contact with wife, that is the reason for seeking male friendship. Being with a guy is mostly have some good fun. No emotional aspect, pleasing , going on date etc.

There is a guilt feeling, but after few times it goes away.

Travis | Jan 6, 2011 at 11:57 AM | Reply | Report

Wanted to know whether Internet and sites like Craigslist are making guys to experiment with same sex. This would not have been possible before the internet came in picture. Now you find college guys experimenting with same sex fun. Has sexuality become more fluid because of easy access to porn? Still it is disturbing to see so many people are extremely homophobic

Beau | Jan 6, 2011 at 2:08 PM | Reply | Report

I understand about concerns for revealing your curiousities to your wife. Try approaching her with concept of bringing someone else, be it another couple or single, into your sex life together. Be sure to emphasize that it is not out of boredom, but as a means to intensify your own relationship. We have begun to explore in this area with other couple and a couple MFM encounters. Our sex afterwards seems more intense. You may find that she has similar curiosities as you. Our last MFM led to some limited contact between males, perhaps more next time. (more to follow)

Beau | Jan 6, 2011 at 2:12 PM | Reply | Report

You mentioned Craigslist. I have found that is a useful way to find people outside your social circle with similar interests, however, you have to wade through a lot of spam. It has worked for us. You know your wife better than anyone. Personally, the "sharing" concept worked for us. That way, she get's something out of the deal, too. You may have to let her get more out of sharing than you do at first to get her "hooked" on the lifestyle. Above all, you must let her know that she is and always be #1, and that no matter what kind of connections you make, they could never harm your relationship. BTW, We have been married 20 years and stronger than ever now.

MamaBold | Jan 6, 2011 at 6:10 PM | Reply | Report

Travis, I respect your honesty in this forum. However, I don't think it's right to cheat on your wife! Ask yourself this; anything you are doing with another man... would YOU consider it cheating if YOUR WIFE did it?? Whether you choose to tell her or not is obviously your choice. As a wife, I would hope my husband would talk to me about his feelings. I'd respect him more for being able to share it with me. I'd be pissed off as a M-F'r if I ever found out he was fooling around behind my back - regardless of the gender. Be Honest and Be Faithful! You have kids to think about as well as a marriage!! Be careful! Best of luck to you!

Paul | Jan 7, 2011 at 10:26 AM | Reply | Report

I agree. Having sex with another person, irregardless of their sex, without the knowledge of your partner is cheating. I think it's time to have an honest discussion with your wife. Living with a secret like this is hard on you and potentially devastating to her should/when she finds out.

magicalstacie | Jan 7, 2011 at 10:51 AM | Reply | Report

While I applaud you for exploring your whole self, I want to add I think this IS cheating. My ex cheated on me for years before I found out and it was and has been devastating. The lying is the problem for survivors of cheating - not the acts themselves. It has been four years and I still have not figured out how to trust my own judgment. I mean, the person I loved most in the world and was my best friend was able to pull off a scam for many years and I didn't know it. :(

My ex-husband's sexual behavior has caused me damage I don't think I will ever be able to leave behind. I've come a long way, but years of sexual rejection (and excuses that allowed me to believe it was my fault) is hard to get past.

I just want you to be more realistic about what you are doing to your wife. Regardless of whether she knows all of the facts, the lying is harmful to her and will cause much pain when she figures it out - and don't kid yourself, she will eventually figure it out.

NYGiant | Jan 7, 2011 at 12:36 PM | Reply | Report

Good but sad insight Stacie.

Heartbroken | Jan 13, 2011 at 9:02 PM | Reply | Report

Wow, Stacie, you really hit the nail on the head.

Take it from a woman who's going through it right as we speak. Even though my husband was upfront that he struggled with his sexuality, he said he wanted to be true to himself and marry me, and build a family. While the circumstances are a little different, I have recently found out (within the last two months) that he has been having homo-erotic liaisons behind my back, usually through online means. Like Stacie said - it's not the sexual actions that hurt (although it is a big part), its the lies, deception and lack of trust which destroy it all. I feel if my husband had been forthcoming from the get-go, we could have worked through this. Now it seems like an impossibility. I would say break it gently, but do consult with your wife. She may even surprise you with her supportiveness. I know I would have. And I will say: we women are much more intuitive than we're given credit for. We WILL find out...that is just the inevitability.

Joe Kort, Ph.D, MSW | Jan 13, 2011 at 10:09 PM | Reply | Report

Travis, your story is one that I see most often in my office. Sometimes it is about a gay identity formation, other times it is bisexual identity (which is very real) and other times it is just a bicurious sexual interest by a heteroflexible person.

Testosterone levels cannot shape one's sexual orientation as far as I know.

As for Craig's List there is a lot of men (gay, straight, bisexual and everything in between) exploring male on male sex. I attribute this to our society not allowing teens and young adults let alone adults to explore ANYTHING but heterosexuality. Given that, Craig's List becomes a safe place for men to experiment discreetly.

You are in a hard position. What you are doing is definitely cheating. If you tell your wife she may leave you or forbid your experimentation. If she finds out the betrayal will be more hurtful than finding out your sexual interests in men.

I recommend you get counseling to explore this along with continuing to explore porn not people.

topguywilm | Jan 22, 2011 at 10:35 AM | Reply | Report

Joe, this site "Good in Bed" is so great I've learned more in 20 minutes about sex than in the last 20 years.

I'm sure I'll be able to talk to my kids much easier and will refer them to this site as time goes on.
I wish this was available when I was going thru the stages..


Sugarbunny49 | Jan 22, 2011 at 10:47 PM | Reply | Report

Heterosexuality is Nature's "norm" among 99% of animals for reproductive purposes. It has always been the accepted "standard" through all cultures.

Until recently, homosexuality was considered a "choice," but science/research/medicine has proven that it has a biological/genetic basis. (Who, in their right mind, would choose to "be" homosexual in a society that is outwardly hostile toward gay & lesbian persons?)

Being born into the wrong body and choosing to "make alterations" for a "better fit" (transgendering) is now considered one of the complexities of the human condition.

Now, in my opinion, bisexuality is conscious, purposeful behavior and action, and has nothing to do with one's biological sexual nature. They choose to play on both teams by choice, not biology. Therefore, I think that using the term "bisexual" is disrespectful & dishonest, and if the individual is married or in a relationship, it is cheating, period.

WD | Jan 23, 2011 at 5:18 PM | Reply | Report

SB: I respectfully disagree. If someone can be hardwired at birth to be heterosexual or to be homosexual then to me it seems natural that there can be those who are hardwired to be attracted to either or both sexes. I know one woman who is bi, has a girl friend with whom she is intimate and has also gotten married to a wonderful straight man. They are "three-some" intimate with each other. WIN WIN WIN. That's not for everyone, but it is for her and I choose not to judge her as being biologically adverse for her inclinations. You say "choice" but I say she is being true to her real self and authentic. The couple, Travis above, has a different dynamic, perhaps, in that he has pushed his true self down into the shadows--which I judge being inauthentic and unhealthy for all involved.

OhioGirl | Jan 24, 2011 at 8:45 AM | Reply | Report

And to add a little, just because a person tries sex with same sex once or twice does not make them straight, bi, or gay. I think it is natural to be curious (esp. for women but that is my own impressionistic conclusion.) I wonder what % of women have had an experience with another woman? I had one several years ago, and if the woman were still local, I'd still have an occassional "sleep over" here and there. I don't consider myself to be "bi", I just enjoyed some comfortable, relaxed, slow sex with a caring gal who understood a woman's needs and how to take care of them for me.

RogueElement | Mar 26, 2015 at 1:45 AM | Reply | Report

Hi. I'm a bi curious man of 42. I definitely prefer and couldn't live without women but am physically/sexually attracted to men as well. I've felt like this for many years and have experimented only once about 5 years ago (mutual oral only]
I enjoy bi and sometimes gay porn and fantasize regularly about sex with a man and or a couple. It seems the older I get, the stronger my desire to experiment further gets. Is this normal with many men?

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