The Doctor is In!

Massage parlor experience

By UD on Jan 19, 2011 at 12:19 PM

I love my wife but she has been non responsive sexually for years. Recently I have begun visiting upscale massage parlors for erotic massage with a hand release. I find this incredibly erotic while not having full sexual relations it is very satisfying and I do not feel I am " cheating" on my wife as I do not want to be involved in any affair, but need to find sexual satisfaction. Can any of your readers comment if they have experienced the same. Also is there anything to be concerned about from a safety reason?

29 replies

Madeleine Castellanos, M.D. | Jan 19, 2011 at 6:57 PM | Reply | Report

If they wear gloves, then there should not be too many safety concerns. Otherwise, HPV can be transmitted by skin contact. There are other viruses that are not necessarily considered STIs but are frequently transmitted via sexual contact (even with hands), like molluscum contagiosum.

The real question is: do you have any interest in improving things with your wife?

UD | Jan 19, 2011 at 9:21 PM | Reply | Report

I have tried but there is no interest....but I still have desires so that is why I go. I feel it is the safest way without getting emotionally involved.

NYGiant | Jan 19, 2011 at 8:47 PM | Reply | Report

I'd be worried @ legal issues, if the police come to shut the place down while u r in there......

OhioGirl | Jan 19, 2011 at 9:00 PM | Reply | Report

does your wife know

UD | Jan 19, 2011 at 9:14 PM | Reply | Report

I don't think she does. I feel guilty, but the pleasure of being touched is so needed that I want to keep going back, does that make sense OhioGirl?

Deirdre | Jan 21, 2011 at 9:31 AM | Reply | Report

I can totally u/s this. It might be cheating, but since there is no romantic relationship here, or committment, etc, the claim that smj makes above that it "IS CHEATING!!!!" is nowhere near so clear cut. I'd love to find out too what she does that is so skilled--can you share!?!?!

UD | Jan 20, 2011 at 2:16 PM | Reply | Report

Ohiogirl, what would you do?

OhioGirl | Jan 21, 2011 at 8:53 AM | Reply | Report

1st, I totally understand your needs, and don't condemn it, but if you are getting a sex act and paying for it, the police ARE interested in this kind of thing (despite what HJGuy says), and I'd hate to have you busted/be in the papers if they do make a raid. I know you don;t want to cheat, so maybe this is the best way to do this. If your wife found out, what would she do? Have you 2 tried to learn why she has been been non responsive sexually for years?
When I was not getting any sex (b.f. deployed) I had my female roommate help get me off through masturbation (See "Strange roommate situation). Was I cheating?

smj | Jan 20, 2011 at 10:53 AM | Reply | Report

FYI what you are doing IS CHEATING!!!! This is such a break in trust. You need to communicate with your wife. Let her know how important it is to you and hopefully she will respond. Women are naturally pleasers and want to make others happy. You need to talk to her about this issue instead of going outside of your marriage vows.. . .beacuse what you are doing here is wrong and breaking thoes vows no matter how you want to spin it to yourself. How do you think she will react when you get arrested for your little activity? Think about her feelings first and tell her you are at a breaking point and need her to join in on your sex life

HJGuy | Jan 20, 2011 at 6:07 PM | Reply | Report

I agree with UD. My wife refuses to have sex, will no longer do BJs, and often says her arm hurts or for a variety reasons cannot even do hand jobs. Where does that leave me? We still love each other and get along okay, just not in bed. I recently found a massage place and the owner lady is the one massaging me. She is licensed for massages and does a great job at it. On the first massage she ever gave me a year ago, she massaged everything. Yep. And she "finished (me) happy." I was pleasantly surprised, but can hardly believe how skilled at it she is. I've been back to her ten times and we finished happy seven of those. Given the obstacles to sex that I face at home, (and my wife won't talk about it or go to counseling either) I see nothing wrong with utilizing this harmless expression of sexuality. Most people do not consider a hand job to be a form of adultery, and I cannot see the police raiding this place, considering the lady wants to do it for me and at no extra charge.

UD | Jan 20, 2011 at 8:40 PM | Reply | Report

Thanks, I think you know exactly where I am coming from. Same situation.

smj | Jan 21, 2011 at 7:59 AM | Reply | Report

Just a quick thought. Say that in a few years you can no longer function in the bedroom and suddenly your wife gets back into it. How wonderful would you feel to find out she is having a man masturbate her behind your back? Would you then consider that a form of cheating? I think if you aren't man enough to let your wife know what you are up to then you ARE cheating. If you can discuss it openly then its wrong. If it's something you want to continue you should be honest. P.S. I live in a city where these places get raided regularly and it's always on the news

UD | Jan 21, 2011 at 9:40 PM | Reply | Report

You seem very bitter about this. I will ask you this question, if you were in the same situation what would you do? Don't you have desires you want fulfilled? If you haven't been in my position you don't understand.

No one you know | Jan 24, 2011 at 12:38 PM | Reply | Report

smj's question was, if you were in your wife's place maybe sick or weak all the time, or whatever other hypothetical reason; how would you react if another guy masturbated your wife to fulfill her sexual needs. UD, have you suggested counseling? Have you been open to her about this matter? And the expert's question was and I quote: "do you have any interest in improving things with your wife?"

Deirdre | Jan 21, 2011 at 9:58 AM | Reply | Report

I think a huge # of affairs and divorces in the US could be avoided if women would do more to satisfy their husbands' normal sexual desires. I don't mean all, but many. Most guys want sex, and would be perfectly happy to have sex 2-3 times a week regularly. Nothing all that kinky or "out there," but just good old fashioned roll bwetween the sheets, and no guilt or complaining afterwards. I have had more than a few friends/neighbors whose husbands cheated, and the women were astonished/shocked...even though they would not allow them to have sex with them!

UD | Jan 21, 2011 at 9:43 PM | Reply | Report

Deirdre, thank you for your understanding comments. It is not as easy as some would think to resolve this. In my mind this somewhat satisfies me although it is not a full relationship. But I don't want to get into an affair. Does this all make sense to you. I appreciate a women's point of view.

Sugarbunny49 | Jan 22, 2011 at 11:33 PM | Reply | Report

Sorry, but even without an emotional bond with the massage therapist, you are cheating on your marriage. Our collective morals now dictate that married individuals who are participating in one-on-one private chats online or in email with the opposite sex are cheating and breaking their marital vows.

Even when I was married (1973), I always had great friendships with males other than my husband, but they were strictly platonic. My husband knew from the start of our relationship that I had more male friends than female friends, who were strictly platonic, and if he could not accept this, I would not marry him. These were males I had grown up with and gone to college with, guys who were my buddies, social companions, even mentors, but had never dated, no romantic thoughts whatsoever. I still have one male who I keep in touch with, 32 years we have been friends. But with today's suspicious minds, I would not seek out additional males as friends, just to avoid wagging tongues.

OhioGirl | Jan 24, 2011 at 8:53 AM | Reply | Report

I agree.

NYGiant | Jan 24, 2011 at 11:24 AM | Reply | Report

Prob works both ways. Women too need sex and if they are not getting enough w/in a marriage, some (not all of course) will look elsewhere. A co-worker of mine several years ago was married to a lawyer with $$, nice home, 2 kids, vacations, etc. She'd never think of leaving her husband b/c she had too much to lose as far as $ & family. However she was only having sex 1-2 per mo due to husband's lack of interest. She explained all this to me & asked if I'd have sex with her to fulfill her sexual needs. There was no romance/dating/flirting. I enjoyed the sex & she enjoyed release her orgasms gave her. We never did it more than 1x per week, nothing kinky like anal, and that seemed to suit her needs. We usually stayed late at work, and had sex in her office. She'd get off 1st with me using rubber then she would give a BJ-she was careful @ preg., & did not allow me 2 ejac inside her.) Found out later that 2-3 yrs earlier she had done same thing w/ a guy in her neighborhood.

WD | Jan 22, 2011 at 6:16 PM | Reply | Report

all: sex = intimacy to my mind. Infrequent sex and sexless marriages = lack of intimacy. With a huge part of intimacy being both the physical part and the communications/sharing part there is a basis disconnect when one is getting intimacy (in this case hj's) outside the marriage. In my view, here's what you need to do--talk to your wife. Be direct, be non-judgemental, and listen to what she says without making an immediate response to your question such as "honey, I feel unconnected with you when we don't have physical intimacy--what can I do to re-establish the connection we used to have. I miss your loving." --or some such. And, I'd highly recommend you source out a sex therapist (google AASECT for referral) and find one to give you a free maybe 10 min. phone consult about your issue--be brief and concise. Ask: "what do you recommend?" And please realize that aging, hormone levels, stress, self-worth, weight gain...all contribute to her libido loss. Get professional assistance.

smj | Jan 23, 2011 at 11:33 AM | Reply | Report

UD: No I'm not bitter but I have been in your shoes and also your wife. I had cancer years back and it drove my sex drive through the ground. I did all I could to get it back and trust me it was a struggle during that time. After I got it back and it came roaring back my husband was opposite. He looked at me as fragile and breakable after what I had gone through and our sex life took a huge hit. This didn't go on for years but months and I finally told him these are my needs and if he cant meet them then we need to look at options. Neither one of us has ever strayed out of our marriage and we make every effort now to be as open and honest as possiable. I think this site is a huge eye opener at how little most couples communicate. We build live togethe and families yet cant discuss sex openly with one another. I just dont understand. I know that if I ever found out my husband went behind my back before coming to me and talking and giving me a chance I'd be crushed!

UD | Jan 23, 2011 at 9:09 PM | Reply | Report

smj I am sorry you had to go through that. It must have been hard for you when you got better and had the desire to be intimate. It is too bad your husband could not provide for you at that time. I am glad you stayed together, he must be a lucky man. When you got back were you able to have passionate sex or was it just "normal"? In other words, enough to "get by"?

smj | Jan 24, 2011 at 8:06 AM | Reply | Report

At first it was rough. HE looked at me differently. That was the tough part, however as time went by it's changed. Now our sex life is amazing. Were always trying to spice it up and change things. I think our sex life is better now then when we first met, which is hard to believe. I just know that if he had gone behind my back when I was having a tough time or vice versa I doubt we would still be married. My opinion is communication. I think that if he wasn't satisfied and he came to me, I KNOW I would do whatever he needed to me to do in order to satisfy him. We've said that if we are together forever. . there is no holds bar. .were open to anything in order to keep each other happy. I just think you need to talk to your wife. Tell her this is how you feel, and at least give her the option to fulfill your needs. If she chooses not to then let her know her options for you to go outside your marriage. That way she is in control. . either join in or opt out!

RA,MSW,RSW | Jan 24, 2011 at 7:12 PM | Reply | Report

General comment to all:
I like this forum. That's why I've decided to hang out here and write a few replies.
Sadly, I see here a behaviour that drives many people to seek out my services: far too many people feel entitled to judge everyone else's sexual and relationship choices.
This individual asked a specific question. Dr. Castellanos answered it, and respectfully ASKED, not insisted, about improving his relationship with his wife. And he answered.
He HAS tried. She is NOT interested.
I don't think that beyond most people's ability to understand...IF THEY BOTHER.
Let me be clear about why I am writing this.
These are people's lives you are responding to here. They aren't here to conform to your idea of what a proper life is, or proper behaviour. In many, if not most cases, they are hurting. CLEARLY this man is, if you read with your heart as well as your eyes.
If you want to ask about more detail, probe his reasons, offer an alternate view, go for it. But show some respect, please.

UD | Jan 24, 2011 at 9:47 PM | Reply | Report

Thank you very much for your understanding of the heart of this matter. As you stated, I HAVE tried. Thanks again for your open look at this.

WD | Jan 26, 2011 at 6:40 PM | Reply | Report

Sorry, but I don't see what your complaint is? Yeah, judging someone's behavior if it works against their best interests can be uncool, but this is a forum. People are supposed to provide their input...this is not a therapy-on-line pay site. Sounds like someone is projecting a bit. I own that maybe I'm incorrect or that you seem to have credentials to back your perspective...BUT I highly recommend the services of a therapist, especially an AASECT member. I usually tell folks NOT to try and fix it by themselves. And perhaps your comment wasn't directed at me specifically--but allow folks to speak, here, without being scolded. Is that fair?

RA,MSW,RSW | Jan 26, 2011 at 10:11 PM | Reply | Report

It is perfectly fair that people be allowed to speak their mind.
Is it fair that I be allowed to request a little less judgement, and a little more respect in how people address themselves to others?
Personally, a person's credentials matter far less to me than their experience, and their way of treating others.
In sessions, I do lot permit couples to address each other in disrespectful or abusive ways. Everyone has a right to express how they feel. No one has a right to express their feelings in a way that harms others. And the potential for harm is very real. Sometimes people seeking help respond in tragic ways to one more judgement or put down.
No scolding intended.
Certainly not directed at you.
If you can tell me how I'm projecting, I'd be glad to discuss that.

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