The Doctor is In!

Trouble With Sex

By Colleen on Jan 6, 2011 at 10:48 AM

My boyfriend of 2 years doesn't seem to care much about my pleasure during sex. I'm sure it's because he doesn't care as much about me as I do about him, but because of this, I feel like a turtle emotionally and don't want to say anything. I rarely finish. In fact, I believe it's only been 3 times, and only when I've started before he was awake and forced myself to continue while riding him. I find it very embarrassing and it makes it worse knowing he's really just not that into it or he'd want more for me. I bought him a vibrating cock ring because one of my friends said he would enjoy it. He does. Apparently I'm supposed to like it too, but it doesn't do much for me. So, I'm back at square one. I want to give up on sex altogether-I can. I was down to about 3 times a year with my ex (trust issues) so I know I can abstain. But I love him and don't want to not do it. Should I keep doing it anyway? It's getting so I hate it. I'm usually the one who initiates it... Thanks.

5 replies

CuteNCGuy | Jan 6, 2011 at 6:02 PM | Reply | Report

Have you raised the subject to him Colleen? It does sound like he is being a very selfish lover, however, that does not necessarily mean he does not love you. Perhaps he has concerns over his performance and is afraid to try other things. Try opening up to him about your concerns in a non-confrontational way. Explain to him how much you love him and how much you want sex to be a mutually satisfying event. Guys often overlook the importance of pleasing a woman, thinking that penetration is going to automatically have the same affect on you as it may us (fortunately I had a very patient girlfriend when I was in college who taught me pretty well). But for some guys it takes a good talking to in a sense to wake up and realize that whatever he is doing is not enjoyable for you.

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Madeleine Castellanos, M.D. | Jan 7, 2011 at 7:47 AM | Reply | Report

You said "I'm sure it's because he doesn't care as much about me as I do about him...." Is this true in other areas of your relationship too, or are you just referring to sex?

You should really have some honest communication about your sex life together. Oftentimes, a partner is not really sure if there is a problem because it is never brought up. Sometimes, it is not spoken about because there is fear about blame and a misunderstanding of how issues could be resolved. But usually nothing happens and then you start to avoid (as you already described) if there is no conversation about it. Pick a neutral time when you are both relaxed to start the conversation.

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Logan Levkoff, Ph.D. | Jan 7, 2011 at 9:35 AM | Reply | Report

Colleen,

Good relationships are about mutual pleasure - both emotional and sexual pleasure. Often times if we don't speak up about our need for pleasure (or how to give us pleasure), our partners just continue doing what they're doing because they have no reason to change. Ideally, a partner wants to know how to turn you on, but if he/she find it difficult to talk about sex, too, this can be more challenging. You should never have sex just to do it - especially if it's not fulfilling for you. If this is a relationship that you would like to continue, I would talk to your boyfriend (in a positive, nonjudgmental way) about your concerns.

Paul | Jan 7, 2011 at 10:22 AM | Reply | Report

Colleen

I don't understand why you want to stay in this relationship. You are the one to initiate the sex despite the fact you are growing to hate it and he apparently makes no effort to please you. That sounds like a very one sided relationship.

There are plenty of good men out there that would be more than happy to be part of an equal relationship.

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Anna Potter | Jan 11, 2011 at 9:05 AM | Reply | Report

It sounds like your sexual relationship has some similar themes that may run into your emotional relationship as well. Have you talked with him honestly about your frustration? If you haven't, what's holding you back? If you have the understanding that he doesn't care about you as much as you care about him, it may be time to move on and find someone who can't wait to take your sexual and emotional satisfaction into account!

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