The Doctor is In!

Husband Who is All for Himself and Does Nothing to Me

By Angie Hiebl on Mar 10, 2011 at 2:38 PM

I have this crazy problem. I am remarried to a man that is my soul mate.. he is truly amazing. I am deeply in love with him and he makes me very happy. I am very attracted to him sexually.. and I enjoy being with him in that way. In fact I want to be more intimate than he does. But since we have been together for the past two years he will not perform oral sex on me or try and help me have an orgasm. I do anything he wants because I like to. I am an open book and tell him I am game for anything and that i like what we do but its not far that sex lasts for 5 minutes or less and he always gets to have an orgasm but he never helps me achieve one!!!!!! I have begged for oral sex but he just never attempts... he manually does stuff to me but never long enough for me to have an orgasm.. he stops and goes straight to sex. HELP! I have tried to talk with him nicely about but I get no where!!!

6 replies

1kuelguy | Mar 11, 2011 at 10:27 AM | Reply | Report

Hi Angie,

I would suggest that you get a couples counselor involved. If he won't go with you, go by yourself. That would be a great first step in showing your husband that this is serious and that you will "not be denied". Only you can stand up for you. I believe by being nice as you state in your last sentence, you are passively letting him control your sexuality and you are right, it's not fair. Even if he can only last for 5 minutes, he could still take care of you either before or after and many men would. I hope that this helps.

Sugalump | Mar 11, 2011 at 10:36 AM | Reply | Report

Hi Angie. This may be a silly question, but are certain that he knows you are not having orgasms? If he thinks you may orgasm from intercourse it might explain why he only does the other things you are asking for for a short while, before moving on to what he sees as the 'main course' for both of you. Or, perhaps he is hesitant to do other things for very long because he is not sure he is doing it well, and finds it embarrassing to keep going, or to ask if he should. You sound like you have a good relationship so perhaps you have already communicated clearly about these things, but sometimes sex is the topic where we are least open :)

If you are comfortable to, I think masturbating to orgasm with him could be a great way to show him how you work. You could either invite him just to watch (if he would like to have no pressure to perform), or ask him to participate (if he would feel awkward only watching). Once he sees what you can do, maybe he will want to do it with you too!

Sugalump | Mar 11, 2011 at 11:22 AM | Reply | Report

...thought train continued. I can think of only five reasons why he would not be responding to your requests.

1. He doesn't care
2. He doesn't understand what you want
3. He doesn't know how to do it
4. He is shy about doing it
5. He doesn't want to/like it

I assume it isn't number one, since you sound like you're happy in the relationship overall. It sounds like oral sex might fit into category number 5 for him. If so, and if many of your wants turn out to be in category 5, then I suppose you have to assess how happy you can be in the long run.

But maybe the reasons he is not responding to your requests all (or mostly) fit in categories 2, 3, and 4 - he doesn't get it, he doesn't really know what to do about it, or he is shy about doing it incase he is no good or makes a fool of himself. If so, then it is definitely resolvable, but you might have to really lead the way.

RA,MSW,RSW | Mar 12, 2011 at 9:59 AM | Reply | Report

I think both replies you've received offer very good advice.
Since your relationship seems to be stable and strong, I'm going to offer something quite different. One word you can say to him.
As in , "No, you cannot penetrate me. I am not ready. I am not satisfied. I haven't gotten what I need...yet."

You've tried to communicate with him. You've tried explaining, being reasonable. You've tried begging (BEGGING? Really?) And he still ignores your needs and goes straight to intercourse as soon as he gets bored with "pleasuring" you.
This tells me that during sex, he is probably acting from his child ego-state (we ALL have one.) In that state, addressing him in adult language won't work.
And, after all, why SHOULD he change? You've made it really easy for him to keep doing what he's doing, and getting what he wants.
So, try asserting yourself in bed. You are more likely to get his attention, and at the very least, less likely to feel used and ignored.

Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT | Mar 13, 2011 at 10:32 AM | Reply | Report

It also sounds like he doesn't have a clear understanding in the role of clitoral stimulation and the female orgasm. Has he discussed his reluctance to perform oral sex? Does he have a pre-conceived attitude about it, or is he unsure of his skills? Maybe he doesn't enough experience? What does he say when you try to discuss it? Also, if has some sort of aversion to oral sex, perhaps he would provide more consistent manual stimulation, say via a vibrator? I agree with all the comments above that this discussion needs to be part of a bigger overall discussion about mutual satisfaction and not just one-sided satisfaction.

frustr8d | Mar 28, 2011 at 11:59 AM | Reply | Report

I understand your frustration. The opposite is true for me and my wife. I do everything and get nothing in return. Once she has achieved the big "o", she attempts to initiate intercourse. Occasionally, I will say "nope, its my turn". She will then reciprocate but I feel it is not because she wants to. Maybe if you did this, he would eventually get the hint that he has a responsibility here too. My wife is just hard-headed. Good luck

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