The Doctor is In!

Wife Does Not Like Sex

By HopelessinNC on Jul 25, 2012 at 7:20 AM

My wife and I have been married 12 years now. Over those 12 years we have had sex 20-25 times. My wife says all the time, 'it's not you, I just simply do not want or like sex'. It is hard to think it is not me, my esteem has taken a hit. The issue is I cant even talk to her, she gets angry when I try to. I have tried texting her, writing her but cant get her to open up. She refuses to seek help. The depression and resentment I feel is growing, but I have no recourse. I do not want to separate, financially divorcing would leave me without anything. I work hard to support her and my children, I help out tons around the house. I cant tell you the last time we have hugged. Over the 12 years, twice we have gone 2 yrs w/o anything. Other friends of hers have talked to her, she shuts them down too. I am not sure how much more I can keep these feelings hidden. This would not be a problem if I did not love her so much and or have such a attraction to her, but I do. What do I do?

9 replies

crazyd | Jul 26, 2012 at 9:47 PM | Reply | Report

You love her......and she is not giving much sex(hardly any). Does she give (love) to you in other ways? Honor, respect, adore, cherish...make your favorite meals, support your pursuits, encourage you, etc...?

Once I know this I can give you my thoughts.

HopelessinNC | Jul 30, 2012 at 5:39 AM | Reply | Report

She is supportive and takes amazing care of our family. But from an affection standpoint, there is none at all from her.

crazyd | Aug 3, 2012 at 10:06 PM | Reply | Report

Okay she is a good mom. I assume then she never praises you, says she is proud of you, respects you, or does things for you out of love.

Lets assume then that it is not just the sex - but she is cold and gives nothing to YOU as a man and her husband. Here are some ideas - in no particular order - or judgement - or moral high ground.

1) Exercise - including heavy weight lifting. It will help your feelings self worth.

2) See a lawyer. Talk not only about divorcing now - but later too.

3) Get a life. What I mean by this - is find things outside of your marriage, your kids, your home, to help fulfill the missing affection, affirmation, and positive energy. Join a club, take up a sport, running club, bike club, martial arts, join a volunteer organization.

4) Find an reputable place and get weekly massages. Not sexual - but the psychical touch and therapy from a female massage therapist can do wonders to lower stress.

7) Get sex elsewhere on the side. Ya -immoral I know.

123meep | Jul 28, 2012 at 7:07 AM | Reply | Report

You mentioned that she doesn't want to open up. I know for me that was very difficult to do with my partner about my desires, problems, etc. Something that helped a great deal(I'm not sure if you've done this)is he let me know that would never judge me. He loved me the way I am and wasn't going to hurt me. Approach her, but gently. She might be afraid of your judgement. Reassure her and tell her how much you love her. Let her know that your her to help with whatever problem it is that she's having.

It sounds to me like your craving affection that she's not giving you. Keeping your feelings hidden is not a solution. Be open with her, but be gentle about it. Share your feelings, but again gently. Gently! I suggest you try showing the affection first. Surprise her maybe. When she's cooking or doing something, come up behind her and give her a hug and a kiss. Experiment a little. Show your affection in various ways and she might begin to show it back.
Good luck!

HopelessinNC | Jul 30, 2012 at 5:41 AM | Reply | Report

I have tried some of the things you mentioned and receive no response. Talking is impossible, no matter how gently I approach it. When I try to hug from behind in an instance like you mention I am literally pushed away.

stillcraveit | Aug 19, 2012 at 3:02 PM | Reply | Report

I've had the same issue. I finally told my wife I'm not living without sex in my like. It's her decision where we go from there. She came around and we are doing well. Maybe it works for you and maybe not. But you have to have conviction to that statement. I was prepared to move on it because I had given her every chance to have a life with me.

WD | Aug 21, 2012 at 11:17 AM | Reply | Report

I don't see any advice here, from any of the MD's or other medical professionals. What is her medical history? Is she on any medications, including birth control? Hormone levels checked? Thyroid? Is she stressed by work, family, or have history of depression (some people can mask those symptoms very efficiently). Be certain of one thing: I am NOT saying anything is wrong with her. But her libido is being affected either by emotional or physical aspects that you and probably she, as well, do not fully understand.

You two are ripe for some couples counseling by an AASECT sexologist/therapist. google it. You are dealing with some symptoms, to date, not with the cause. You need some immediate counseling to deal with your grieving/anger, in my opinion (I am not an MD or therapist). You two need a neutral third party for couples therapy so she can be heard without your judgments. Get this started. You both deserve to live happy, healthy lives together.

Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT | Aug 28, 2012 at 11:05 AM | Reply | Report

Sorry for the response in seeing this thread -- I agree with much of the advice in this dialogue. I really think you need to see a professional -- if your wife refuses to go, then you must go yourself. You mentioned the expense of a divorce, and investing in some therapy sessions will cost far far less. But it sounds like the situation cannot continue as is, and you need help. Your wife needs help too, especially in opening up and communicating around her lack of interest, but you need strategic therapy in terms of concrete next steps. Some couples in your situation find that they're able to negotiate the boundaries of monogamy, but I would not take any step without seeing a professional. 12 years is far too long, and you need to take some action, especially if it's always basically been this way.

Warren | Sep 5, 2012 at 2:09 PM | Reply | Report

I was in a very similar position and just recently my wife and I started communicating for the first time after 10 years (about sex). We have 3 young kids, we both work, mortgage, 2 cars... the whole 9 yards. Everything may look great on the shell but without a solid core (love and desire), you're headed towards depression, infidelity, and eventual separation. The worst part of it is, your children will suffer. Better to live a life feeling like a man, being desired and showing your "best" to your kids as a single man than being a broken, undesired, and depressed father.

Sounds like your wife may have some secrets from her past that she cannot get over and seriously needs to open up or talk to a professional. If she refuses, it is extremely selfish on her part and she does not respect a man's emotional/physical needs!

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