The Doctor is In!

I cant cum

By B on May 17, 2013 at 12:06 PM

I am 23 boyfriend is 37. We both have an amazing sex drives. We really find it hard to keep our hands off of each other. We are both open for toys and all positions. However no matter what we try i cannot cum through penetration or with oral. If i use a vibe. alone then i can make myself cum. The sex is lovely but i desperately want to reach the climax with him. Please help!

3 replies

Madeleine Castellanos, M.D. | May 21, 2013 at 8:13 AM | Reply | Report

Hi B, It's weird the way that the brain works. When people have difficulty reaching orgasm with another person, it's usually due to a distracting thought that keeps you from focusing 100% on your erotic thoughts. You may not even notice it, but it can be pretty frustrating. Try to masturbate the way you normally do with him watching you. As you are able to reach orgasm, have him become more and more involved each time - first touching your breasts, then the next time moving to touching your thigh, belly, etc. This will allow you to become more accustomed to reaching orgasm both in his presence and with him touching different parts of you, but you still being able to concentrate on your pleasure and orgasm. Only progress to the next step when you are relaxed enough to reach orgasm reliably. Each time, you are teaching your brain to make that association.

Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT | May 21, 2013 at 9:01 AM | Reply | Report

What's different about when you're using a vibrator? Are you more relaxed, less anxious? Are you able to provide yourself with more direct clitoral stimulation? Are you able to focus more on your own pleasure?

K | May 22, 2013 at 10:57 PM | Reply | Report

Are you new to sex with a partner? I ask because if a vibe is how you trained your brain to orgasm it can take an adjustment to orgasm from intercourse. Although oral should happen easier. Your mind plays a role in what you like, as you and your experiences have shaped it. If not how have your experiences been with other partners? Did you need time to adjust to them? to feel comfortable? What you describe is not uncommon in women that masturbate only one or two ways, without much penetration, and have never had intercourse, for many they have to adjust to being able to orgasm with something inside them. In most sexual difficulties, time, relaxation, being free of distractions, and focusing on the sensations you are feeling can work wonders, for either sex. You may need retraining if your body and mind are very used to orgasm only with the vibe, not unlike men and masturbation.

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